Ok. I Can't Decide If This Applies to Me Or Not.

I think I might be celibate.

I'd certainly prefer to be. It does not mean I want to stay alone forever. I just have a negative view of s_x.

My F best friend said I am s_____y repressed.

It's a shame it is probably true. I do thnk it would be nice to have a positive view of it, but i just find s_x and s_____l feelings are a pain in the a__.

I have not had s_xual contact more than a kiss, since i was ten.

I could not possibly go all the way. no way, I would not feel ok doing that to someone.

especially on top. No chance. And even though I have those sorts of feelings, i couldnt do it to a real person because.... I'm frigid i guess.

I go stiff! Not there, everywhere else. I turn to stone if i try start to see myself as 'Him'

I'll have to come-up with a name for Him. Call him A

Also: I don't watch any s_____l  stuff on TV. Kissing is especially gross to watch.I'm not saying it's wrong for people to do that. It really freaks me out the way they just cut straight to people sucking each others faces. They just do too much of it on TV. I'm pretty lucky I don't get to see it anyway. When I did/do though, it always f---s me up. I would turn away or cringe or change the channel. Watching TV in the company of other people became difficult because I was sooo embarrased that I don't enjoy waching other people doing it that I would make excuses to leave the room. 

I do sometimes fantasise, though I always feel guilty for it after. It's usually about something not involving actual ______ contact. I can start from quite normal fantasies but then I always turn into a submissive well before the end. I usually fall asleep during my fantasies as they happen mainly when Im trying to fall sleep, and trying to distract myself from thoughts that make me cry, as I do that quite a bit, and fantasies stop me crying, if I can stay focused, which I don't... I usually just end-up crying anyway,at some point. I'm getting better now though. Plenty of EP means I have been getting to sleep without doing either.

I'm nuts aren't I?

demonizd demonizd
31-35, M
6 Responses Feb 20, 2009

Thanks Avi, you've pretty much hit the nail on the head there. <br />
..Though I don't REALLY see it as that, but I just always get that feeling.. I hope that I can move on from that gradually and learn to have normal relations. <br />
It's also not just my father, but some other males as well.

Given your past experiences, I don't blame you for feeling this way. I have a really hard time with touch too and I've never been abused like you. I find public displays of affection disturbing because I panic inside when I think about doing things like that. That's probably why I never have. I feel so sensitive to the people around me and I hate it when someone I don't know touches me. Even a handshake or a tap on the shoulder bothers me. I never had much physical affection in my life as a child and maybe that's why it's so hard for me. I don't know. I wouldn't say it's not okay for you to be like that. It's better than being someone else that is a jerk or likes to abuse people. You have to deal with your demons that way you know how.

That's what I worry about. Getting "numbed out". That's the sort of feeling I get a lot of the time.. sometimes from reading stuff here on EP.. butI expect I'll get that when and if I ever try to do something seksual in real life. I don't want to force myself into it.. I couldn't handle the feelings of guilt that come along with that. <br />
I don't have such a problem with flirting online if it's with someone I know I'll never meet in real life. ..but I don't know if I could with someone I could potentially meet face-to-face later. I don't know. I don't want to be like this, so I wonder why I can't just act normal. ...and it doesn't seem like there are any guys out there who feel the same way. It's just not ok for a guy to be like this. :(

glad you're feeling better. have to say i don't enjoy seeing other people doing any of that stuff - why anyone would want to video themselves i have NO idea. i don't know why i feel like this though, unlike you.<br />
<br />
i enjoy it, don't get me wrong, well what i remember of it, i just feel disturbed by it all. i'm the one who's nuts.

Thanks U.L.S.C. :) <br />
I am getting a lot better these days actually. I don't feel anywhere near as bad as what I said in that last bit of the story. I have improved loads since I have been on EP. This story was written only a month after joining but after five months I feel a lot better. I am nowhere near as depressed, and I don't get anything like as much guilt around those thoughts. <br />
I still don't like watching that stuff on Tv though. Especally with no warning... but I don't flinch like I did before. Actually.. I don't watch any Tv now! lol.. but still.. I think I am getting better. Thanks to the great friends I have here.

u r not nuts<br />
<br />
i am the same way about people kissing or any contact