Loss

 It feels funny to write about this.  My pain is so private, and yet when voiced, is misunderstood and minimized.  I used to be extremely sexual, it is truly at the core of my being.  My husband is 35 years older than me and we have been married for over 7 years.  We have been together for 9.  He had prostate cancer, which I knew before we married.  Although the sex was "different" before we were married, I understood because I loved him.  When it "dried up" completely I became worried and decided we shouldn't marry.  You see, I really love sex!  It completes me, it's wonderful.  I knew myself well enough to know that I didn't want to live a celibate life. He convinced me that it was just that he hadn't been feeling well and I believed him.  I married him.  We have had sex a handful of times over the last 7 years, and nothing at all for over 3.  Even when we did it was so obvious that he was forcing himself, I was just blind to it.  I am angry!  I am only 41 now!  Sex has become so dirty in our society that we forget what a binding thing it can be for a husband and wife.  For a man and a woman.  I don't even feel like a woman anymore!  The closeness that a man and a woman have can not be replaced by anything else!  He is just a man who lives with me.  I am closer to my daughter than I am him, closer to male coworkers than to him.  I am miserable.  I have dreams of being held, of being desired.  I have nothing to ply him with (in a good way), afterall, he doesn't see a woman.  He sees a female cleaning, doing laundry, working full time, a mother.......not me.  

moodymetoo moodymetoo
41-45
2 Responses Mar 6, 2009

I disagree that sex has become dirty in our society. If anything society is more sexual than it ever was. It is Celibacy that has become a dirty word.

it's one thing if the choice is yours, like it was for me, but a situation like this must be very difficult.