Oh Mother - What A Nightmare!

another bloody nightmare - what's going on??

before i describe the nightmare ... a terrifying nightmare

.....  let me tell you a little of my childhood

abandoned by my mother at two years old

taken care of by my grandmother (mother's mother) and an aunt, felt happy and secure

snatched from them by my father and taken to another aunt

then taken back by my mother when i was nearly five years old years

.................abandoned again by her when i was 13 years old

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the nightmare

yesterday,  saturday night,  into early hours of sunday morning.

i dreamed i was visiting my grandmother in her "new place" ( she has been dead for 20 years).

i was helping her to sort it out,  decorate it ( i had a lump of mustard coloured pigment but no brush or means to apply)

i saw the walls or her room,, they were grey and rough,  like the walls of a limestone cave.

my aunt ( the one who lived with my grandmother) called me from a distance  (she too is dead,  about 12 years now).

i went to her,  in her "new place".... it seemed to be pink or mauve

..................... and she gave me some brushes and a purse,  which she said was  "for my grandmothers personal things"

she explained that she could not take them herself and i said that i understood.... and i did feel that i understood

she directed me to a bus stop (odd that,  because i really dislike buses)

at the bus stop,  someone was selling,  or maybe exchanging, things and there was a can of yellow paint,  that i thought i could add the mustard coloured pigment to.  as i was negotiating the paint,  someone stopped me,  told me a can't do that,  that it was wrong to make those exchanges

and then my brushes disappeared... also the purse for my grandmother

when i remonstrated,  i was told that i could make a claim

but what was more important to me was that i had let down my aunt and my grandmother was left waiting.......

i knew they would forgive me,  they would understand that i did my best but didn't know what the rules were.

the dream up to this point was not frightening,  i woke up several times,  missing them but not sad,  then slipped back into the dream,  without fear.

 then suddenly,  i was in the home that i had lived in with my mother,from 5years old to 12 years old.

and i was REALLY desperate to pee  ( i smile as i write this... but really not funny at the time)

......  oooohhhhh  really bursting

..............  as i went to pee

.................... a shape appeared,  no more than a bundle of rags,  moving through the air towards me

my desire to pee was lost

as i became terrified

more terrified than i have ever EVER felt in my life..... not that my life was at risk,  more my soul and my entire being.

i knew,  just KNEW.... the bundle of rags was my mother coming towards me

angry as ever... and jealous that i had been with my grandmother and aunt,  just as she had been in life.

i knew it was a nightmare

............  yet i had a feeling of being locked in a place that i did not know how to escape from

i knew that i had to wake up.....  before she got me

but i could not wake up,

i tried to make my body move....  but could not

and so i started to shout,  knowing that if i shouted loudly enough, then i would wake myself up

and so i awoke

shouting

"GET AWAY"

"LEAVE ME ALONE"

"GO AWAY"

as i awoke,  fear fell away from me

............  absolutely certain that she cannot follow me.....  safe away from her in this world

i have never feared death before,, neither mine nor that of others

now i start to fear

....  when it is my time to go

........  will my grandmother and aunt and other relatives and friends be there for me?

..............will they be strong enough to keep her away from me

....................or have i just been given a glimpse of the hell that awaits me

.......................being driven insane by my mother through all eternity

............................as she nearly did in life.

i have never felt any love for my mother

..........................  is that a sin that cannot be expurgated?

i do what i can to help people,  i love and i have been loved

..............  what more can i do

why cannot my mother understand that i didn't know her,  so how could i bond with her

why,  even in death and after so many years,  is she so unforgiving???

with my respect,  posted by robbie


robbiew8n robbiew8n
56-60, M
6 Responses May 13, 2012

This story....a nightmare surrounding the darkness (intentional deceit and betrayal, baleful hatred or a mere misunderstanding) of your mother, she must've felt something for you to cast you away so coldly then haunt you in your dreams. In an odd way maybe she's trying to save you from a life she once lived before having you. To show you right from wrong, what to watch out for, the dangers ahead, you say you do not know her so maybe in a way she's allowing you to see pieces of herself in the manifestation of crude figments of the mind, only contacting you from the dead this way. Awaiting the day you destroy these demons that await you in life, so you may be at peace. This is how I see it, it will be different from how you initially felt about these wild scenarios of your troubled mind.

so kind..... i sense how you try to help me..... to find the positive within my negative experience. with my continued respect, from robbie

Of course my Tiger-like friend. I rather you see the light than follow the dark. My regards, Lush/Lushiro.

What a nightmare it is. I think your grandmother and aunt are waiting for you when you ' time' has come. And they protect you from your mother. She is still ' learning' and will ' come back' many times before she can stay.. I hope you understand what I mean. Just don't be afraid , when your time comes. Best regards. ME

thank you for your contribution.... you are close to what i am beginning to understand.... and yes... i do believe they are protecting me from her.... and they will be there to greet me, guide me, when my time comes to die. it's a warm thought, to be in their presence again. with my respect, from robbie

Its a yourney that we all have to make and some 'get' ' it' soon other they need some more time. At the END were all together all equal and the same. If you have questions perhaps I can answer some !!! Greetzz ME

Robbie, here is an exercise that I did to stop the nightmares about my mother. I've never had another since I did this years ago. <br />
Picture your mother as a 4-year old child. Just think about her as this 4-year old...her innocence. Then pick her up, and place her in a pocket that is over your heart. Now see yourself as a 6-year old. See the innocence of yourself. Now place yourself in the same pocket over your heart, with your 4-year old mother. Hold her hand, and tell her you will take care of her, and you will both stay in the pocket over your heart for ever.<br />
Do this in a quiet place and close your eyes. I hope this works for you as it did me.

hello, Carissimi ... thank you for sharing this with me. respect, from robbie

It's not your mother chasing you, but your own guilt for not loving her. You are torn between what you and society believe, that we should love our mother, and the reality and truth of your own heart. You have no obligation to love anyone, even parents. How can we love those whom we do not know, and especially if they caused us harm. I do not love my mother, and I feel no guilt. She was/is one of the most cruel and vindictive people I have ever known. She killed my love years ago. I don't know if you can help yourself heal this conflict within you, or you may need the guidance of a therapist, but you need to be free of this. It is okay not to love her.

hello carissimi..... u may well be right. when i read "but your own guilt for not loving her" it struck a cord, somewhere deep inside me. maybe my head accepts not loving her... but my heart still yearns for what was missing. thank you for your reply, respect to you, from robbie

Ahh yes, this is so true. The heart is yearning for the love of a mother. It always will for those of us without a mothers love. Our head allows us to see and feel reason, so eventually the yearning is buried deep, but stress and traumatic events can bring it to the surface again. Things buried will also appear in dreams. I had nightmares about my mother for years, and I will post how I stopped them.

ah<br />
<br />
........... always indebted to you for your caring ways and support.<br />
<br />
truth is, i bonded with my grandmother, i didn't even know that i had a mother until i was nearly five years old...... and she resented the love between my grandmother and me.... and she did all that she could to break the bond between us. <br />
<br />
my fear is, even in death, she will not forgive me<br />
<br />
.............. not even when i die.<br />
<br />
respect to you, <br />
<br />
also my thanks for your reply<br />
<br />
robbie

wow.. i really dont know what to think or say other than that i sympathize and relate as i went through being abandoned by my mother more than once as well. (so did my sister & we are female- devestating at times) I love her though because she gave me life and in abandoning me I had the opportunity to spend time experiencing real nurture and family love- the way it should be. The yrs that i did spend with her were miserable. You seem like a very strong, thoughtfull, sincere soul.. and she did give you this life. its good in those early yrs her mother was there to show you true love. she did somethings right, try to love her for that. If you can love your entire self, including the half of you that is litterally her- you can hopefully find it in yourself to love her. I hope this helps a little.. Robbie, my thoughts and best wishes are truely with you.

I'm sorry dear, but if you have to TRY to love someone, then it's not love.

i have come to believe that these things happen for a reason... there are hard lessons that we all need to learn... thank you for sharing this part of your journey with me.... and my respect to you, from robbie