Stuck Every Month

Boy am I sick of it. It never fails. I end up short of money. Im just going downhill. Now I can't bear the thought of leaving the house tomorrow to see my psych nurse. I think its kind of pointless anyway as I don't have the money for the Klonopin which I have to pay out of pocket. The Neurontin helps, but when I run out of the Klonopin I tend to get real out of my mind. Right now y stomach is killing me. I need any arsenal I can get against my stupid anxiety and God help me if it spirals into panic. If I pay for the medicine, I fear I wont have enough kibble to last til I get paid again on the 3rd. I'm freaking the hell out over here. So I call and reschedule tomorrow. Hope they don't get mad because its the same day. I feel like a spoiled brat. I'm sure some "grow a pair/man up" minded people think so. They can kiss my butt. You don't know how I feel. I wouldn't wish it on you. Thank your lucky stars and leave me be.
Anyway, I am sick of asking my friend for help. I hate asking. I am too proud even if I suffer. But if it gets too bad, pride takes leave. I was going to ask her to switch me to Xanax because the Klonopin seems to not help much with the anxiety. Maybe for a little while, then I fall asleep for a few hours. I think I have some tolerance to it. I don't know. But I don't have a choice right now because my lame *** is too scared to get on a bus and go to the clinic. I feel safer in a taxi but it is more expensive of course. I had plans to go to the grocery store after that too, but now the plans are all screwed. So, convenience store food it is. I have no clue how to get better. I have been thinking of suicide because life shouldn't have to be this struggle for the basics. I don't buy makeup, clothes, books or anything like that. I'm not expecting much..Jesus. And if I keep screwing up every month..falling short of money, being afraid to go out...its going to be a very hellish life. 
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11 Responses May 15, 2012

I have you considered badger care for your medical costs? This state has good programs for help in medical assistance.

same here... thanks..

Please seek help if those feeling of suicide continue. I didn't and the anxiety became overwhelming for me. Turns out was also going through male menopause, with my testosterone levels way low. I overdosed on Klonipin and BP meds, became Hypoxic and went into a coma. I cardiac arrested 6 times in 2 days and my family was told I would not survive another night. Well after 6 days on total life support and 2 weeks in ICU, I did wake up and have struggled hard to recover. I know where you are coming from and just want to urge you NOT to take that path. I realize now it was a mistake and that I was saved, by the grace of God for better things. I'm not a religious freak but I was pronounced dead on Sept 30th, 2011 and now am fully recovered and no longer need anti-anxiety meds. Suicide IS NOT the answer. I hope U get what U need and can get thru this tough period. Friend me if U like and we can chat more.

Was on kolonopin a while back... it didn't seem to go well... I'm sorry your having a tough time ... id make you some chicken nugget stew but I am all out of bean dip.

Never give up,you are stronger than you know,you come this far,things will improve,you'll always find a way through.

that is terrible! i am so sorry that you have to deal with that kind of crap. I have BPD, bouts of depression and anxiety and i understand where your coming from, its really hard especially when you don't have a lot of friends who understand. like i have a couple people who i can always talk to but they REALLY don't understand what its like. its so ridiculous that you have to struggle between paying ur rent and having the med's you need.

I totally understand... I'm always broke and I live with my mom and sister and we are always running out of money. I have to go to the doctor and pay for my Lexapro and I have nothing to use to pay for it. My granddaddy just died last week and now we have no one to borrow money from to pay rent and stuff... It's too much!

Hang in there hun....wish I could be there having a coffee with you (hugzzz)

I hate not having enough, esp because when I need more than I can pay for. I did manage to get freebies (meds) for a while, but once I had insurance again that got cut off, never mind that because the meds were so expensive my insurance wouldn't pay for it; then the local clinic supplied me with samples. That lasted until I moved across the state line and I tried to deal with a different mental health system. I struggled with that for a good 6 months, depression, anxiety, etc getting worse, till finally my inner rebel kicked in and I said f*** 'em! If I still had to pay for all those meds I wouldn't be able to afford much and not being able to see an end in sight didn't even give me hope. I did decide I couldn't afford to keep a car though, but I found a way around that; and it helps that I don't really go anywhere anyway. If I mess up and end up short on groceries, I usually tell myself "oh well, I wanted to lose weight anyway" and then I ration. As long as I have kibble for the dogs I don't get depressed over the money issue too much, except December. Why is it always December I never have enough $?<br />
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Convenience store food costs too much - all convenience food costs too much. You'd save money and have more if you never bought convenience foods. That's the #1 reason I got rid of the microwave. I also rationalized that since I don't work anymore why did I even need convenience foods?<br />
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I hate borrowing money too. I seems like once you get started, it's a cycle that never ends and grows too. Yeah, I've found little ways to save money, but if anything major comes along, I'm screwed. I look for used books if I have any $ to spend, but, face it, the library is cheaper. And I can handle going to the library; no one bothers me and the only one I talk to there is the librarian.<br />
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Too bad there isn't communities for people like us. Wouldn't it be nice to have everyone you know be understanding of everything you have to deal with?

Oh if only I can be there, even if just to hold you and hug you tight...<br />
Indeed if my prayers can be of much help to you, I would gladly talk up a storm to the heavens just to be sure that He hears both of us.

*hugs* dear is all I can say and sorry; it can be at times crappy ride for us 'different' and money challenged folks.<br />
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I think of S more when i am doing badly so last few days it's been on my thoughts.<br />
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We will be ok, just know you will pull through, and we love you!

sweet as honey sweet as a flower sweet as a chocolate easter bunny sweet as the sun blazing and one sweet is me sweet is you we are sweeter than the honey dew :D ! oh gosh lol :")
*hugs and kiss*
thank you dear, we you and me are so sweet we are sticky to the uninitiated :P !!