Not Sure If This Explains Me
This is odd. I study psychology. Should I not have figured this out years ago? I just always thought it was my personality - mellow, never excitable, unpersonable, socially anxious. I've filled out numerous questionnairs to assess whether or not I have depression, but I only ever fit two or three of the ten symptoms. I didn't even know, until today, that minor depression was diagnosable or treatable - I always just thought, well, maybe I'm depressed but I'm not depressed enough to need help. I've made it this far. Really, overall I have a great life. I survived childhood, I have a wonderful husband, I live in a decent house, I have good food to eat, I get good grades in university and seem to make good impressions on those I conduct research with, and am applying to the top Canadian graduate schools next year. Hmm, now there's one item to note - I said "seem to make good impressions". People tell me I'm smart, pretty, funny . . . but I don't beleive them. I guess that would be diagnostic criteria #1 - low self esteem. I get good grades yet I don't feel smart. I have lots of friends but I don't feel close to anyone. Diagnostic criteria #2 - disconnection, feeling "flat". I have lots of exciting things going on yet I don't really feel excited. I feel like I should be excited but I'm not. I feel like I should be happy but I'm not. I'm not particularily sad, I'm just not happy. I have a great husband but one day I feel like I'm too good for him (that he's not smart enough) and the next day I feel like he's too good for me (he's socially competent, I'm not). I always feel like the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but when I get to the other side it feels just as grey. I've always felt this way - everyone is having more fun than me. I think I've had this since I was a child and maybe that's why I didn't identify it as depression - nothing has changed, I've always felt this way. Now that I know that I may be able to get help, because minor depression is still depression, I will speak with my doctor. I am not thrilled at the prospect of medication - I'm not willing to experiment to find the right one because I don't want to make things worse. But I'm willing to talk. Now it's a matter of finding someone to talk to.