Not Sure If This Explains Me

This is odd.  I study psychology.  Should I not have figured this out years ago?  I just always thought it was my personality - mellow, never excitable, unpersonable, socially anxious.  I've filled out numerous questionnairs to assess whether or not I have depression, but I only ever fit two or three of the ten symptoms.  I didn't even know, until today, that minor depression was diagnosable or treatable - I always just thought, well, maybe I'm depressed but I'm not depressed enough to need help.  I've made it this far.  Really, overall I have a great life.  I survived childhood, I have a wonderful husband, I live in a decent house, I have good food to eat, I get good grades in university and seem to make good impressions on those I conduct research with, and am applying to the top Canadian graduate schools next year.  Hmm, now there's one item to note - I said "seem to make good impressions".  People tell me I'm smart, pretty, funny . . . but I don't beleive them.  I guess that would be diagnostic criteria #1 - low self esteem.  I get good grades yet I don't feel smart.  I have lots of friends but I don't feel close to anyone.  Diagnostic criteria #2 - disconnection, feeling "flat".  I have lots of exciting things going on yet I don't really feel excited.  I feel like I should be excited but I'm not.  I feel like I should be happy but I'm not.  I'm not particularily sad, I'm just not happy.  I have a great husband but one day I feel like I'm too good for him (that he's not smart enough) and the next day I feel like he's too good for me (he's socially competent, I'm not).  I always feel like the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but when I get to the other side it feels just as grey.  I've always felt this way - everyone is having more fun than me.  I think I've had this since I was a child and maybe that's why I didn't identify it as depression - nothing has changed, I've always felt this way.   Now that I know that I may be able to get help, because minor depression is still depression, I will speak with my doctor.  I am not thrilled at the prospect of medication - I'm not willing to experiment to find the right one because I don't want to make things worse.  But I'm willing to talk.  Now it's a matter of finding someone to talk to. 

Cath123 Cath123
8 Responses Aug 1, 2008

I think if you know that you have slight depression or whatever can't you try and fix the problem on your own with positive thinking and whatnot? I took psych and isn't most of the therapy basically just talking sessions to help you feel more comfortable and then positive?

Psych is pretty interesting.

Very good observation. many mental illness issues are situational. not all but many shrinks are well paid pill pushers in a nut shell. nice to see you in the right field. the mh system is broken down and many young profesionals now finishing college will fix that. thanks. champ studied criminal minds and now in2 film.

I feel the same way that you do. even with your husband. I have a very supportive boyfriend, we have been together for 2 years now. and i have the same fluctuating feelings. i go to group therapy, however i still feel that im on a different intellectual level then them... and i feel that they are not smart enough to understand what im going through... not that they are dumb just that i feel so much smarter than most other people. if ya need to talk i would probably feel the best by talking to people who actually feel exactly like me. i think this post was a good place to start. that is why ive done it as well.

I have just read your story and felt like it was written about me! I too have studied psychology. I can identify with everything you have said. You are the first person who understand!! WOW. Im gobsmacked. You sound really nice. You have achieved so much despite how you feel. Im proud of you. You have so much going for you.

Thank you all! It was like reading my own story too. I think I just thought this was how I was. I don't think of myself as a pessimistic person, actually quite the opposite, but I never felt happy even though life was pretty good. It took me and my husband almost divorcing before I went to talk with my Dr. I tried PRistiq and within 3 days I was a different person. I got the laundry done! Now this may seem insignificant, but I've always hated, despised and put off laundry. WIthin 3 days I did all 30 loads and couldn't understand why it had always been such a big deal.<br />
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Then the insurance refused to cover Pristiq, it was too new. The last 2 months has been a horrible rollercoaster of different meds, none of which have worked and Cymbalta actually made things worse for me.<br />
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As of today I'm back on Pristiq and hoping to get back the life I now know is possible.<br />
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Thank you all of you for letting me know I'm not alone and not crazy as I sometimes feel.

Cath123, thank you for posting your story. It was like reading about my own life. "I just always thought it was my personality - mellow, never excitable, unpersonable, socially anxious." This is me you are describing. I have always felt like this. <br />
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I am 35 years old, married with 3 children, and I have always struggled to keep myself active, social and not very unhappy. But every year it gets more difficult, it is eating me slowly up.<br />
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I have like you done many questionnaires on depression and I always get a very low score. I seem not to be depressed, but I am always tired, I feel difficult to be motivated, I'm rarely excited, I'm living but I don't feel alive. I just keep doing what needs to be done, and when there is noting that drives me to do something, I just sit and stare, feeling nothing, or feeling sad/anxious for no reason at all. <br />
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I have a good life, a good husband and have been fairly successful in my life. But I rarely feel happiness. I was at top of my class - and I didn't feel much. It ment nothing to me. Success at work, praise or respect - makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Not happy. <br />
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My wedding day with the love of my life, - yes that was a good day. Having my newborn children in my arms - yes I felt happy. But otherwise I don't recall many happy moments in my life. Which is terrible, because I have had a very good life. <br />
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And happiness is not the only feeling I am lacking. I don't get afraid or shocked easily. When everyone is running around in panic, I am as calm as usually, just keep on doing what needs to be done, not feeling much. "How can you be so calm" people ask me. I just shrug my shoulders and keep on doing what needs to be done. I really wish I could feel excited, but I don't have the energy. I'm too tired. <br />
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I'm so tired all the time. Everything tires me. Going out to meet people often exhausts me. I go to the gym and get home more tired than before. I go to the theater or to a concert and sometimes only get more tired. And this is terrible because I'm really interested in people, music, exercise, theater and more - but I don't seem to be able to enjoy it. I feel nothing or just tired afterwards. <br />
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I'm now starting to seek help. I feel like that I'm at the edge of falling into a deep and dark place. I can't handle to be more tired or more inactive. <br />
I had my first session with a psychologist last week and we talked about the tiredness and lack of happiness. I cried most of the time. I'm not used to share my "lack of feelings" and sadness to anyone. <br />
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Today I found for the first time a description of dysthymia, and this support group. It feels like someone handed me a life vest. This condition has a name. It is treatable. I am not alone. There is hope. I will hold onto that. Thank you :-)

hi to the both of you!<br />
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huggyface, what antidepressant did you take?

I know how you feel. I was diagnosed about a year ago (I'm 28), and I've always felt that way; totally unmotivated, tired, like nothing is really worth it, not believing when people say good things about me. I also study psychology; it's my major in college. I think there are tons of people like us out there who have this, but feel that if it's not crippling them, it's not serious enough to get help. It may not be immediately debilitating, but after awhile it does take a harsh toll. <br />
I talked to a psychiatrist, got on medication for about nine months. I'd still like to be on the meds, as they helped me feel much better, but even in the short time I was on them, I noticed a vast improvement. I wish you good luck in your search to feel better. I know you can do it. :)