Guilty And Alone :(

I have not been diagnosed with Dysthymia... but I have had depression for almost 6 years now... and I've never really gotten myself into "stable happiness" if that makes sense. I'd go through life on auto-pilot a lot of the time... and I used to think everyone went on auto-pilot but as I talked to people no one seems to understand what I'm talking about. Well the other day I went to my psychologist and she said  might have to start thinking about anti-depressants.. That really scared me, but I went home and did a little research and found Dysthymia and realized that I experienced almost everyone of the symptoms.

Two years ago, I fell in love with my best friend and he made me happier then I'd ever been. But the perfect happiness didn't last for long before my lows started popping up again. After about a month or so I started worrying... and getting depressed because of my worries. I'd worry that he didn't really love me, that I wasn't really special, that maybe he'd realize over time that he didn't love me, that maybe he could just fall in love with anyone... and the list goes on. He tried to help me, and sometimes he could make me feel better, but the lows just kept coming back.

Sometimes in January last year, I got into real depression, like a double low type thing... over something stupid that happened a long time ago, and he did everything he could to help me. He visited me every day, he'd bring me flowers, or surprise me by taking me to a place that was important to both of us... and he never gave up. Then I broke up with him out of sadness, but the next day we got back together and I apologized and got out of the double low. Still, to this day I feel so guilty about what happened. I've hurt him so much with my stupid issues, and I've been so blind to all the thoughtful things he did out of love for me. I just couldn't enjoy them, I couldn't feel anything... and I missed out on some great experiences just because I couldn't pull myself back into my body. These events happened throughout or relationship, and I've put him through so much and everyday I feel ridden with guilt. It's hard to function sometimes with all the guilt I feel for everything wrong I've ever done. It's gotten to the point that I feel ashamed and guilty whenever I'm sad and I try to hide it from everyone. He even told me to get help before, but I started worrying again and got scared, and I got scared that he just didn't want to deal with me anymore... Now I'm seeing a psychologist regularly, doing exercise, and am on St. John's Ward, and if nothing works I'm going to go on anti-depressants, but I just need someone to talk to because I feel so alone since no one seems to understand and I don't know what I want from people. I just feel so guilty, and I just want to get better and I just wish that I could make my best friend understand that I always loved him, and that I need him right now, but not the way I used to need him. I feel so guilty and I need to know that I'm not alone. I hope this makes sense. :(

electricladyland999 electricladyland999
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 9, 2010

I understand your auto-pilot explanation perfectly. I used to think if i just did what everyone wanted me to, just go through the motions, then they would leave me alone and stop telling me to get help. I had a job, always kept my word, and did what i was supposed to, but it wasnt enough to people around me, they wanted me to be happy. <br />
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Your partner sounds amazing and if he loves you, he will not leave you because of it. I feel guilty all the time when my boyfriend comes home and over the course of an hr i have worked myself into a depression funk- when all i talkk about is how i dont want to live anymore. How exhausting to come home to that. i wish i could just be happy for him, because i do love him and when i feel apathettic i feel it sends the message to him i dont love him. i do love him, he just will never fully understand my thought proccess or reasoning, but it does not hurt to try. I warn my boyfriend all the time what he is getting himself into by loving someone who does not love life, but love doesnt have any reason. When you love someone, you love them no matter what their baggage is. I think the best thing is to talk to him, tell him everything, let him see it from your view. <br />
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ps. also if st johns wort does not help, you can also try 5-HTP, or L-tyrosine an amino acid which helped me when st johns wort did not.

It makes perfect sense. The guilt you feel is normal during depression. You are not alone. Hold onto your man; he sounds like solid gold!