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Just Not For Me

I remember at a young age saying I wasnt going to get married and I didn't want kids. Well I got married to a stone cold man. We are now getting a divorce. I should have went with my gut feelings and never got married. Everyday I feel like I'm bombarded with the notion that I should have kids. I'm glad I don't, going through this divorce alone is hard enough than with kids in the mix. I'm a hairstylist, and where I work we are giving free haircuts to kids in august. It has been my worst nightmare!! Screaming yelling spitting bitting sqirming kids with parents that just don't care. It has been a eye opener for me. It makes me realize just how much I don't care for kids and that I really have no desire to have any of my own. Just the cost alone and to provide for them is almost impossible. I know deep down I just don't have it in me. I like my life being able to be free and not weighed down by the responsibility of raiseing my offspring. My two older sisters have children. The middle sister has four. The oldest had two boys one has autistm. I always feel like she was pressured into have kids. She really has her hands full. I see them both struggle to keep everything together.and they both have husbands!! I don't have that support and even if I did I still can't commit to sacrificing myself and everything I am to a kid. Maybe I'm selfish, I see my self as a responsible adult that knows her limits and won't be pushed into something that I'm not full hearted about. I jut can't bear knowing that I will emotional damage a child (all parents do) I have made up my mind to get my tubes tied.i might let down some people maybe my parents by not having children but I do t think this world is that great of a place to bring children into anyways.
Swayaway34 Swayaway34 22-25, F Aug 10, 2012

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