Dealing With Feeling SelfishWhen my husband and I first got together part of what we had in our plans for marriage was to have children. As time went on we realized that the possibility of this, at least naturally was not an option.
We spent a lot of time discussing the possibility of IVF but knowing how difficult it was on our relationship just to go through the ups and downs of raised and dashed hopes we decided it was too much of a risk to our marriage to take this route.
So many people ask without ever thinking about it "are you going to have children?" or "do you have any children?" because it seems like such an innocent question. The thing is when you are not able to have a child these are not simple easy to answer questions.
I tell people I have borrowed children because I am a step-mother, an older sister to a teenager and have a neice and nephews who drop in fairly regularly along with their friends. I joke with other adults (parents) that I get the best piece because when they start to drive me nuts I can send them home.
Reality is though it's not the best piece because I will never hear "I love you mom" nor will I ever even have the chance to get to hear "I love you grandma" and it leaves me feeling empty and lost at times.
Then the next thing that people come up with if they find out or guess that you can't have children is the adoption piece. So very many people don't understand that for most of my life by being an eldest child, being a stepmother, being an aunt who is very involved in her neice and hephews lives that I don't want just another child to look after. They don't understand the feeling of loss and sadness that I have inside me having to accept that unless I was to give up on my marriage and attempt to become pregnant otherwise that I will never have the opportunity to experience what it is like to be pregnant, to give birth, to hold that tiny living being in my arms and know that they are mine.
I have been told and even thought myself that I am being selfish seeing as there are so many children out there without homes and without parents but for me I think actually adopting would be the final step in giving up hope and I just don't feel ready to do that yet.