Dealing With Feeling Selfish

When my husband and I first got together part of what we had in our plans for marriage was to have children. As time went on we realized that the possibility of this, at least naturally was not an option.
We spent a lot of time discussing the possibility of IVF but knowing how difficult it was on our relationship just to go through the ups and downs of raised and dashed hopes we decided it was too much of a risk to our marriage to take this route.
So many people ask without ever thinking about it "are you going to have children?" or "do you have any children?" because it seems like such an innocent question. The thing is when you are not able to have a child these are not simple easy to answer questions.
I tell people I have borrowed children because I am a step-mother, an older sister to a teenager and have a neice and nephews who drop in fairly regularly along with their friends. I joke with other adults (parents) that I get the best piece because when they start to drive me nuts I can send them home.
Reality is though it's not the best piece because I will never hear "I love you mom" nor will I ever even have the chance to get to hear "I love you grandma" and it leaves me feeling empty and lost at times.

Then the next thing that people come up with if they find out or guess that you can't have children is the adoption piece. So very many people don't understand that for most of my life by being an eldest child, being a stepmother, being an aunt who is very involved in her neice and hephews lives that I don't want just another child to look after. They don't understand the feeling of loss and sadness that I have inside me having to accept that unless I was to give up on my marriage and attempt to become pregnant otherwise that I will never have the opportunity to experience what it is like to be pregnant, to give birth, to hold that tiny living being in my arms and know that they are mine.

I have been told and even thought myself that I am being selfish seeing as there are so many children out there without homes and without parents but for me I think actually adopting would be the final step in giving up hope and I just don't feel ready to do that yet.
nonametoday nonametoday
3 Responses Aug 10, 2010

i also understand.<br />
it's a club i never figured i'd belong to.<br />
i've been a step-mom for 20+yrs now and am blessed to be a step-grandma.<br />
i feel i have to prove to others that i'm ok. and it gets tiring.<br />
mothers day can really suck, even when i am thankful for my mom and 2 ex step-mothers who are both childless. i send them all cardsand or call,because i know how they feel.<br />
my step-son has never called or sent a card for md, so it tends to be a wound that opens every year. i wonder if he was a she, would there be more thoughtfulness?<br />
the sc<x>ripture in philippians where paul wrote:<br />
" i've learned to be content in all things" has helped me when i'm pity-partying

it is sad that you are barren but this is not the end dear. <br />
you do not know what is the reason behind. God always gives us the best thing for us<br />
acceptance of your situation comes from your trust on the God.<br />
<br />
You don't need to do something, you don't want to do. If you don't want to adopt a child , this is not<br />
selfish. this is your life and God didn't force us to do it.

this must be very painful... my heart goes out to you