I Have Spent Many Of Nights Crying...

I am married to my bestfriend. Growing up I was the child who always had a doll or a barbie carrying them into the store or wherever I went, even then I so desperately wanted to be a mother. I waited to have children till I was married (always used condoms and birth control).

You would think that after becoming married, buying a house, a new vehicle that the baby would come next NOT..

I have Polycystic ovarian syndrome, which makes it very hard to become pregnant. I don't have the cysts on my ovaries but I do have the other symptoms, mainly extra testosterone. There is nothing wrong with my hubby, the infertility falls on me.

We have been to a RE, and have been on clomid, femara, menupor and gonal-f injections, NOTHING, my eggs did not mature enough to ovulate so I could not do the IUI as we had planned. This was more than 2 years of trying, so we took a break to adopt.

We went to our state foster to adopt program and did all the classes, finger prints and paperwork, we were waiting for hem to do a homestudy when they told us that they did not have any money in the budget to do one, this was in 2009, so we kept calling them every other month to see if they had any money to do the homestudy, for one straight year we kept getting the same answer. Meanwhile there are children waiting in foster homes and group homes wanting loving parents and a permanent place to stay.

I worked at a hospital, one of the nurses had called me regarding a woman wanting to give her baby up for adoption, and I met with her and everything was a go. We kept in contact with her and took her to her dr appts when she needed us to, even in the snow I would come and get her, I thought we were building a relationship, she was 21 with 3 boys already, 3yrs old, 2yrs old and a 10 month old, and this baby was going to be a boy. She said she didn't bond with the baby and didn't buy him anything and that he was our baby, she even asked me to name him. We talked about who was going to be in the birthing room and she wanted me and my hubby there.

Well she called me because she was in early labor, she was 35wks at this time and we went to L&D, we were there with her, she had no other support with her, (we had called our lawyer, our social worker, her social worker) and she had the baby and I cut the cord. Neither one of us got to hold him because his breathing was real rapid, they took him to Nicu really fast. Well the next day she started going back and forth to the Nicu, feeling on the baby and looking after him. I knew right then she didn't want to give him up, and as a birthmother she has every right to keep her baby (I understand that), but that little boy had grew in my heart, and when she told me that she was keeping him, I HURT SO BAD, IT FELT LIKE I LOST A CHILD. I was beyond devestated. This happened in January this year 2011. I am much better about talking about it now.

I have nephews who I have watched grow up become fathers, it really hurts when you see them with their children and you don't have any, I just smile and love on them, but it hurts.

I am out money for the failed adoption, because I still had to pay the lawyer and the social worker (she did my homestudy), my state's foster to adopt program does not have any money in their budget to complete fostering to adopt, and MY BODY HAS FAILED AT REPRODUCING.

I have spent many of nights crying, and I'm tired of feeling the hurt. I need all the support I can get from great people on this board that is/have gone through something similar, hopefully we can be good support for each other.