The Road That I Travelled


I have always wanted to share my own story but I end up holding back because I felt that I would only appear defensive. There are times I want to post something on my social network account, but I often change my mind because it might create either favorable or unfavorable remarks from those who have access to it, that would only make me sad later on. Then I found this group. I don’t know, but one day, I just wanted to browse through sites tackling about infertility, childlessness, barrenness, etc. I know I have gone through a lot of it, but the urge to share my own story prevails and so here I am, opening up for the first time, with people I do not personally know, but whom I share the same sentiments. Peeps, here is my story….
My husband and I went on steady for 13 years before we finally decided to get married. And in the 13 years, I once got pregnant but since we were still in college then, we had an abortion. It was a mutual decision and we both kept mum about it. I personally dealt with it as my “darkest secret” that no one would ever know, as long as I live. We pursued our studies, became professionals, and still kept our relationship strong until we decided to get married. We had all the anticipation of having our baby after the wedding. A year passed, then another, but there was never a sign so on our third year, we decided to see a fertility specialist. Of course, I had to disclose to my specialist what I went through to make sure that I will be treated with any problems related to it (though 7 years had passed since the A). The whole fertility work-up went through for almost 3 years, up to the time that we tried IUI. We were not able to go through IVF, because it required a lucrative amount which we were no longer able to afford. After 2 IUI failures, I suddenly just stopped. I finally said we have done everything. I will just wait for the approval of the one up there. If He will give it to us, so be it!
We are up to celebrating our 16th year of marriage this week… 16 years of childless marriage! Folks, I don’t say that the road has been easy. It was the rockiest road I’ve ever stepped on in my entire life. The hurdle I went through during the work-up, I thought, would be the hardest to pass through, but nope, something more difficult came by that nearly broke my wholeness. It was the time when my husband had resorted to a couple of affairs and liaisons, putting myself in a lose-lose situation. I told myself,”This is it! He was eventually going to have a child with these women, so I’d better brace myself and prepare for the worse: that he is leaving me in favor of whoever could give him a child. It was the most painful thing that any barren wife could muster but who was I to hold him? At that time, I felt I didn’t have any single right to beg him because right there, I knew what he wanted, and that was the same thing that I can never give. It was even more frustrating when his women would send text messages to me snapping out on me and telling me the reason why my husband went wayward. And I was just accepting, but at the same time throwing back at them once in a while because it was just too hard to bear, if I just kept my silence. This went on for a couple of years, and I thank God I had a profession that kept my sanity in spite of the hurt. Thank God for my family, who never showed any bad blood to my husband; instead, they kept their sentiments and joined force in uniting and reconciling us; I thank God for close friends who never failed to remind me and opened my eyes to the fact that I too, had shortcomings and that I should do everything to save my marriage. And for my husband, I thank God for bringing him back to me. No, he never left, actually. He swore he wouldn’t wish for a family or a child outside our marriage. He accepted his sins, telling it straight that he was lured and it was all lust. Of course, I understood that he longed for my presence, since I’ve been working away from home for 11 years. He said, it was not about us being childless - it was him that was a problem. Since then, the Lord redirected our paths together.
Our story speaks of life’s greatest mistakes – but it also speaks about taking responsibility. It speaks about perseverance, patience, faith, and the never ending vow to love and be loved – a love that goes beyond one’s imperfections. It talks about forgiveness, acceptance, and most of all, hope. Our story will continue to evolve, even though we haven’t produced our own children. It is because we are loved and adored by many in our families, especially our nieces, nephews, grandchildren, and those who show their appreciation for our presence in their lives.
Indeed, life teaches you to become the person you should be. I have always dreamed of big things. When I was younger, I was so full of ideals. But frankly, nothing of my biggest aspirations had been fulfilled. But it doesn’t mean that I was a failure. Right now, I stand with head held high, because I have become victorious over the battles of my life. This, I think is what God really wants me to be.
athenafores athenafores
46-50, F
2 Responses Jan 14, 2013

Well done for sharing your story, cant say i admire your husband for doing that to you! Mine would be kicked out so hard he would land on the other side of the world! But youve accepted it so im glad you feel that youve overcome the hurdles

Im truly sorry for you but honestly having children isnt all its cracked up to be.yea sure theyre great while they are babies and grade school but then they become teenagers.this generation of kids is truly horrible.i believe everything in life happens or doesnt happen for a reason.there are lots of kids out there needing parents whom actually want them.try adoption or look for other ways to find happiness.not having children is not the end of the world and seriously think about getting therapy if you think living with a cheating spouce is ok for any reason baren or not bulls***

thank you, Danders....

you are right, it's hard to handle kids nowadays, and I can porve this thru my interactions w/ parents and porblem kids themselves. Sometimes, after a conference with them, i feel a sigh of relief, that at least, I wouldn't be dealing with the same problem myself. It is one of the consolations (not excuses) I can think of for being childless.

we have planned to adopt twice - from our own families (we have the belief that we should get one ONLY from our own families). However, both parents of the babies changed their mind.

as w/ my husband, i can say that we've reconciled, moved on, and renewed our relationship. T he wounds of the past had been healed and at this point, we have accepted our fate. We deal our day to day life as it comes; we plan our lives together (especially our old age). It's peaceful and quiet - the way that I have prayed for the longest time. :)