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Empty Arms

I am a 42 year old woman who did not get married until I was 40.  I met my husband online and he informed me that he did not want any children.  I later found out that his daughter has severe learning problems and his son almost died at birth due to a rare heart defect. His son has physical difficulties today but does well and is healthy. My husband is extremely intelligent (actually skipped a grade in school and healthy), needless to say he doesn't understand how his children acquired these disabilities.  He told me he couldn't have any more children.  Although his ex-wife is remarried with two new healthy babies, it did not affect her like it did him.

We started dating when I was 37 and I knew my time clock was ticking.  We broke up twice because he didn't want children.  We got back together and I accepted that fact. Although we never discussed children again, I guess it was understood that we weren't going to have any.  This is such an emotional topic for me.  I feel so alone every holiday, since his whole family has small children (eight grandchildren in all).  Whenever we get together I have nothing to say since it is mostly kid talk.  My friends all have young children and they have grown apart from me since they do mostly kid things with other couples.

I have two dogs that I baby all the time and treat like children to a fault.  People get on me for doting upon them so much.  The ironic part of this is that I have been a teacher for years of small children and it still does not fill the void.  Sometimes I actually get sick to my stomach when I think that I will not be special to anyone once my husband passes.  I will never be a mother or grandmother and will die a lonely life. I myself come from a small family and my mother passed many years ago.  My one sister has a teenage daughter.  I am on medication for depression and it doesn't change the way I think.  I usually hide and try to make excuses not to be around people with small children since I become so envious.  I hope that one day I can except this fact, but I'm not even close yet.

joleem joleem 41-45, F 3 Responses Nov 28, 2009

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I see this post was a few months ago, but, oh well... I know the feeling about avoiding people with kids. I am 40 and the whole child thing hasn't happened for us either and I've been married 17 years. Here's the thing though, you cannot guarantee that your children will take care of you in your old age, that you will still not be lonely. My neighbor is 90 years old and his children and grandchildren NEVER come to see him, to me, that seems even sadder. <br />
I understand the pain and the longing, believe me. But I am really trying to stay positive. My best friend is pregnant with her 2nd child and she will be 40 when it's born. I am so happy for her...and extremely envious!

You married at a rather dodgy time of your life to have children. Don't blame your husband..speak to any doctor.<br />
As gryfnn says, consider adoption or foster care.

have you considered foster care?