I Thought It Would Go Away Or Get Easier .... But In Some Ways It's Harder.

We tried for 14 years to get pregnant: we tried everything but nothing worked.  At last one day I was having my physical and my doctor feels something in my abdomen - she says she knows I've been trying for a long time and she doesn't want to get my hopes up but she thinks I'm pregnant.  OMG!  I have waited to hear those words for so long.  My ultrasound shows a tumor the size of a grapefruit in my ovary instead of a baby.  Now I am told it could be cancer.  That's a long way to fall from maybe pregnant.  :(  Surgery is done and thankfully it is benign.  I now have one ovary left to get pregnant and resume the gruelling schedule of doctors, tests, procedures etc.

Skip to 2 years later and my remaining ovary now has a tumor - endometriosis they say.  I am scheduled for a hysterectomy on the Friday before Mothers Day.  I come out of surgery in instant menopause and experience my first hot flash at the age of 37.  I try to drown out the voices and noises of new mothers on the ward because of course my surgery falls under the category of female problems and I am sharing the same floor with the nursery.  They tell me I have to walk as soon as possible so I can recover and I am forced to walk up to the area of the nursery.  I end up doing little circles in front of my room because I can't bear to be reminded that I am childless not by choice on Mother's Day.

I'm a good patient and work hard at my recovery at home and my friends and family say I look good as new.  Nobody understands that all my children died that day and I am grieving.  There is no funeral or memorial service.  No one even thinks to ask me how I am feeling about that.  As the years go by people think I am over it and have moved on.  They have why haven't I?  Their children are now school age or graduating and getting jobs.  Soon there will be grandchildren.  Every milestone and event reminds me that I will not have that.  My mother-in-law cannot understand why attending family baby showers are difficult for me and says I am narcissistic and think about my feelings and should celebrate other peoples's joy.  No one really understands how hard it was, is, and will be.  This never really goes away.

While trying to concieve hubby and I joined an infertility support group and it helped to talk.  Now, on the other side of this journey we are searching for a support group for being Childless not by Choice.  We have not found one so we are thinking of starting one.  If anyone has any suggestions/hints or links it would be great.  I feel lucky to have found this venue to be able to share and hope it fills the void a bit.

dzini24 dzini24
41-45, F
1 Response Feb 12, 2010

HI! This is my first comment on this forum as I just joined and have been reading the stories one by one to decide which comment I should respond to...we have dif experiences but BOY do I get it! I will post my story below and please know that within my surgeries throughout the years (I'm turning 39 shortly) some have had to be on the same floor as the nursery and I too had to walk by, and hear the chimes they play overhead each time a baby was born plus share my room with a woman that just had a baby =/....I feel your pain and if you would ever like to chat please feel free to go to my profile and contact me! I get it...I do! I am so sorry you have had to go through all this as well and my only hope is that we all find some sense of support within one another here on this fourm.... Here is my particular story...(I copied and pasted this from posting it earlier under "my story").....<br />
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Hi everyone,<br />
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I am very glad to have found this group! My wish is to develop friendships over time by letting others in to share my pains and my joys as I begin to pick up the pieces and move forward with some sense of acceptance of my life without children. I have been happily married for 9 years and truly have the most wonderful husband in the entire world. God has blessed me in many ways. However, this loss and the challenges behind it seems to be one I thought would get better over time but have found that it is now time for me to reach out and find others who understand this journey...<br />
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I have found that I have come to a crossroads in many of my lifelong friendships. Where we were once known for enteraining our friends, cooking gourmet sit down dinners and so much more we now feel "left behind" . At one point when we still held hopes of one day having children, we even went on to create an amazing monthly event themed parties conducive to our friends kids (our house use to look like a big classroom set up with themed stations all over the house and outside, etc for all the kids to do fun craft projects that were all correlated with the theme of the month (Valentines Day, Christmas, Chanukah, Easter, etc.). I even cooked the food to go with the themes! At the time it was so much fun for us. We went ALL out in an effort to connect with our friends as best we could until we came to a place where we were to have children as well.......however, years went by, unspeakble challenges came our ways and that never was to happened.<br />
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I have Spina Bifida and have had 43 surgeries and over the past 11 years have struggled daily with C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from enduring 43 surgeries and horrific complications along the way <br />
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I have literally travel all over the country in an effort to see the best specialists in the area of PTSD to assist me in gettng back to some sense of normalcy. Due to reasons related to the Spina Bifida, it appears I am unable to take the meds that would make it possible for me to more effectively cope with the debilitating effectives of PTSD. So, with very little help from meds, I rely on the support of my wonderful husband and other family members. My friends try to help but are very limited in what they can do since they are so busy with their kids and extracurricular events, etc. God has blessed with support for right now that I truly dont know where I would be without that support. <br />
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So, I went from this very social person with lots of hope despite 43 surgeries along the way, to somebody who barely drives their car anywhere more than 1x/ month by myself and thats now just around the corner....now....for the wonderful news about another gift of support through all this from God....my new service dog (for the PTSD) who is to enter into my life in February =)....<br />
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For those of you who have heard of these dogs, they are highly trained, social, family oriented animals who are specifically trained to become certified service dogs for individuals with PTSD. He/she will become my loyal companion fpr the next 10+ years....although I must make it a point to say that we DO have 2 other "furry babies" - a pug and beautiful black lab.<br />
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My husband and I got married in July 2001 and the PTSD hit in January of 1999 shortly before I received my Masters degree in Special Education in May of 1999. I had to leave the field of teaching after 7 yrs - most would think b/c it was too physically taxing for me - this is true. However, the main reason was b/c the onset of PTSD had brought me to my knees. The journey has been long and I suffer from debilitating phobias under specific circumstances as a result of the PTSD for very valid reasons which I can get into another time but the bottom line is this.....<br />
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The sadness for the loss of knowing now that I will never have that really big family I had always wanted and had grown up with all my life and feeling as though my husband and I have been "left behind" with all of our friends is at times overwhelming. My friends who all have kids now connect daily b/c of the common ground they share in raising their children. Our house once filled with laughter, friends and activity that made us feel whole, is now gone and I take total responsibility for pulling away from it all - nobody chose that for me - but I simply live in a different world now where I can't turn the switch on and off and pretend to be able to relate to those whose lives look like the life I once dreamed of having.<br />
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Being on Facebook has become almost unbearable and have now decided to walk away despite still leaving my profile up but I no longer go on as I can't handle seeing the posts of all my friends from HS and such posting their kids and the family /moments and events they get to experience daily.<br />
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So as I mentioned earlier my new service dog is coming my way soon. So, knowing this, I have found the strength to begin picking up the pieces and set out to rebuild my life with new friends (of course keeping and nuturing the friendships I have now to extent I can do that at this time) who can understand this journey. <br />
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So, I pray that God can lead me to those that understand....and I think now - he has...more importantly, I think I am now ready to deal with my own pain, my own loss and connect with others who can spport me along the way as well as allow me to be a sense of support along the way for them on their journey....plain and simple. <br />
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Looking forward to connecting over time,<br />
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cnbc1971