Completely Lost

Every girl has a dream, and hopes that atleast part of it will come true but when you see it shattering at a young age, you loose faith, hope and become very introward, always look  and make sure the next thing is what you really want. Got married kind of indian arranged marriage, family friends introduced the boy and with in 1 year of the living together found out hard truth, Mr. husband went thru cancer treatment at a young age and can't produce sperms because of the treatment. now wht u do, before u have time to think, he get a tumor and 3 yrs go by, still optimistic abt things and think abt adopting but NO Support from FAMILY or husband so goes down the gutter. now tables have turned 180 degrees he wants to move forward and I don't. rather i have lost the goal and zeal to live. every day is too much of a work even to go thru everthing. went to talk to someone but then u start from the beginning & all comes right back, comments, actions and whole thing. want to just go away from this. i know people are going to be there & so will their mouths with #$# comments. how do u change yourself so that these things don't bother  you and you can't see such people, as if they don't exists and for days like this your husband doesn't even exist, bcoz u get a feeling of betrayal and kept in blind, agreed he didn't know that but come on if you have so well educated family most in medicine even then. i just want to get rid of this & no divorce is not  an option.

toral toral
31-35, F
2 Responses Feb 23, 2010

after a year of being with the love of my life we found out his 11yo son had a brain tumor, he lived 8 months. I miss him and we all have changed, not always for the better. My husband is very bitter, his child was taken away, this boy was kind, intelligent, musically talented, alway wanted everyone to get along. Tender. In a way the child you were wanting was taken away from you your husband and inlaws not telling you upfront and you have done the selfless act of taking care of someone who ws fighting for their life. I would be exausted if I were in your your shoes too. I don't know how you feel, but I have expereinced taking care of someone, selflessly. I have experienced putting someone else's need or wants before my own, repeatedly, daily, for years. I have experienced not getting what I want, repeatedly. When I feel done with all my things... I think about my husband... he never wanted his life to go the way it went. We probably won't have children now that everything has gone the way it has. My heart aches when I see children and I don't know which is worse... not having any at all or watching one suffer and not be able to do anything about it. <br />
Love is love and we need it. I am trying to get out of my bitterness about it all by practicing empathy for others and the ones I love... it is helping, that and I stopped talking to people who discounted my process. Do what you need to do.<br />
We don't ever loose our pain in life it will always be there, we learn how to cope. We don't "get through things" we learn how to sit with it and add love and empathy to it. Americans have it all wrong about grief... it never goes away... we learn to invest our love in a more productive way and stay out of those destructive headspaces. None of us are %100, we all have hurt, I'm sorry your life has gone the way it has. I try not to let it all happen for no reason... I will take away my values, love and new found strength as a parting gift for such a bad experience. My apologies if this din't help, keep your chin up, you never know what tomorrow will bring.

I am so sorry to hear your story. You are dealing with so many situations that are beyond your control. It makes sense to me why it is hard for you to get through the day. I wish you luck and prayers for your daily struggle. I know you don't want to adopt anymore but maybe adopting will give you a child to focus on and get joy from since you can't get divorced. I hope you don't take that the wrong way b/c I know it is easier for me to type that then for you to really do it. Anyway, thoughts to you during your struggle.