I Am Jo The Woman-child


I was 42 a couple of weeks ago while on a long holiday in Russia and Estonia, but in my head I’m still a young teen.


I had a very unhappy and loveless childhood home life and was regularly beaten by my father until I was 18. My mother didn’t intervene and I grabbed pleasure and warmth where I could, but paid a high price with boyfriends that I clung to and grew up hating my parents.


 Over the years of my adulthood, I have come to realize that I take childish delight from little things that others don’t understand and am (like a child) far too easily hurt and far too vulnerable. I am lucky to have a husband who understands and is ‘here for me’, but he can’t always be at my side as I look at the world in wonder and bewilderment.


Even my body is disturbingly ‘young’; although I have ‘stand-up’ ‘D’ cup breasts and a ‘double-teardrop’ bottom the general shape still looks like a young teen’s body and I have a tight-lipped genital area with sparse see-through blond hair; naked I don’t even look like a mature woman!


Even my voice lets me down; it is the voice of a young child and when I answer the phone I’m still often asked if my mother is in.  It’s just another thing that seems to attract the wrong sort of men at parties; they just home in on another indication of my vulnerability although I have (with my husband’s help and support) got stronger over the years and found ways to exercise some control.


The trouble is that like a child, I often chose entirely the wrong route to deal with things and just end up in bigger trouble. I don’t think things through and do or say the wrong things and end up having to do other things to make amends.


As I mentioned already, I’m in love with a husband who can deal with my behavior and rationalize it with his knowledge of my past. I am lucky that he encourages me to take enjoyment from the little things and helps me to build some self-belief and self-value instead of dismissing me as immature.


I suppose that I am living a simple life with simple pleasures because that life was largely denied to me when I was a child; that I believe is why I am Jo the Woman- Child, lucky enough to have a second chance at childhood.   

deleted deleted
4 Responses Jul 20, 2010

Your story is not unlike my own, and to be honest there are many more like you and I out there I am almost fifty now and I too, had a traumatic childhood, but like your self I met and married the right partner, part of my persona is little me, and that is the side that still wears nappies and footed PJ's and cuddles a teddy bear, probably to most people this behaviour would seem very extreem, but I cannot rid my self of that part of my persona, nor, at this time in my life would I want too, my wife loves me unconditionally, and thats big me and little me alike, and if hubby is happy enough then you should just chill out and enjoy being the person that you are.<br />
Kind regards dave

wish i knew you

You are so fortunate to have a husband who supports you instead of hurting you. Wonder how many ACoA are that lucky??

If we were al more child-like we might be better off for it.<br />
At least you do not pretend to be some one other than who you are.