Chinese Daddy Issue (help: Your Thoughts Please!!!)

I am wondering if any of you guys experience or feel the same things with your Chinese dads or moms. How do you deal with it and will it get better?

My dad has never had anything positive to say to my face; it's always been how and what I've done wrong and how i could have done better...other than that, it would be how incompetent I am to accomplish certain standards and goals he sets out for me. He says the ugliest things to me. Sometimes, i feel like he is trying to live through me, because he tends to push me into doing the things he likes or want to achieve in life but didn't.

All my life, I pretty much did many things out of fear of him, trying to make him proud of me and not to be disappointed in me. The older I get, the more i start to stand up to him, yet he refuse to acknowledge "the real" me and hear what I have to say as a person of my own being (because I am "full of flaws and needs to A LOT of improve if I want to be successful"). The problem is that we are very different people even though I have his traits, we are into completely different things and speak "different language". I don't dare to show him the real me because I am scared and i know he will be disappointed.

I have just turned 25 this year, just about to get my Masters degree. I have gone through somethings this year which makes me resent him a lot. I have realized that I've lost myself in the process of always trying to make him satisfied with me (i have given up on making him proud). I realized that I have never done anything that I LOVED and WANT up till now. I have lost all respect for myself because I don't even know who I am or what I really like or want. I am sad that I have always picked him above myself. I don't want to live in fear of my dad. I just want to be me.

But even though after explaining what i like or want, he still won't give up on insisting his ways on my life (education choice, career path, boyfriend choices, weight, clothing etc). I do sincerely believe and would really like to think that he wants the best for me (he always tell me this Chinese proverb, something in the line of: if you don't listen to elderly people, you will fall and regret). But at this point, I am so unhappy from always having the pressure to following him. what if I follow my heart and live the way i want to live and fail. what then? I just can't seem to let go!

anyone feels the same pressure? I feel like it's a common Asian parent things...thats why i am asking on here.
daniflower01 daniflower01
22-25, F
7 Responses Dec 15, 2012

Yeah, common Asian parent stereotype. Nothing can changer their perspective. They are stubborn & conservative.
"I am The Elder. I know what the best for you. I am your God and your King. Listen to me or you will live in despair"
I am Chinese and I understand too well about it.
So I just embrace it and live by my own perspective. You have your own rule, live by it. I guess human cant change rock or Elders but the human themselves.

I'm 19 years old and a sophomore in college. I've been going through the same things. My parents are Chinese and our worlds' are completely different. Recently it's getting bad because it's made me anxious and have panic attacks sometimes. Hope you're doing better though!

My best friend is chinese and extremely successful. But one of the toughest people you will meet. But me and him get along great. He had a very hard life growing up with his mom dead and dad a super stern man urban city being the only chinese HK guy at a all black school. Well one thing I noticed is I always have to take the first step. I always put the first step to tell him how we are like brothers and stuff. This really opens the door and in fact people at his company and his family are shocked at how nice he is to me. I lived in Beijing for a while and really started to understand him 100% better. Go spend a couple of months in China you will understand him and where he is coming from better.

Yes same way with my mom... I lost my dad when I was 2... Over 20+ years I have given everything to her anything she wants but it all about how her friends and family sees her.... Maybe your dad wants to brag to their friends about you but he can't.. eldest son went to 5 univercities before settling down to the course he likes.My 2nd joke if we pressure him,he will bring back an indian wife,and my third son says I am smarter than you...all a*

Dear Daniflower,
I am a100% chinese father of 3 sons about your age.All in u 2 going to do phd or masters one going into dentistry.Please don't feel frustrated for your took me a long time to compliment my sons all top scholars as we have a very hard past.The easy way to get him is to do something unchinese Try hugging him real bear hug,and tell him you love him very much.Then tell him straight that you need him to tell you...Well dani!!!Wonderful! Great work! if you have any questions do ask me and I can be your online dad...based in far away.Ha! Ha! God Bless!

haha thank you so much for your comment, hearing this from an Asian dad means a lot to me. It is also very helpful! I recently started to really focus on the positive side and to understand where my dad is coming from. I know that at the end of the day, he really only want me to have a great life, a life that is different from what he had to go through...Thank you so much again for your comment =) you sound like a wonderful Chinese father with great humor =) thank you!

Hi Daniflower,

I'm Chinese and have been through what you describe earlier on in life so I can understand your frustration.

I've alway been very in what I wanted to do and being the eldest son of the family I probably got away standing up for what I believe more than you do. Being a dad myself now, I can see things from a different perspective.

In defence of my parents, my mum was a doctor, dad was raising up the ranks in a government run factory, heading towards a GM role, they gave that up to migrate overseas to a foreign land, speaking no english to work in a car factory floor for mimimum wage so that I can have a chance of a better life. they were both in their mid 30's at that time so there wasn't any real chance of moving up in the jobs either.

They came from a time in the world when a uni degree and hard work was the way to get ahead and being so far behind in life in a new country, this message was hit home hard on me. I did the good son routine and met their demands but it wasnt until my lil bro who is an ABC reached school age that I went against them and stood up for his wishes.

My agruements were:
1. I raised him as much as they did, thwy both work long hours and I had to baby sit him and be the parent for him, so I get a say in what was best for.him.
2. They made the sacrifice so that we dont have to sacrifice, so why do the opposite and ask us to sacrifice in life.
3. The world has moved on and a degree means little now, they did me good by movingme from a developing country to a 1st world one and what the first world is to be different and stand out, you will alway be good at the job you love.

There was plenty more points but they got the idea, dont undo all their sacrifice by sacrificing my life, otherwise they might as well stayed where they were.

My lil bro is now 22, finished uni in a degree he loves and is working for a world leading firm as an expert in his area where people twice his age ask him for advice.

so understand where they come from, but make sure they understand where you are coming from as well because having migrated for such a long time, they may have just lost sight of what they were hoping for when they left their motherland.

wow, thank you for your story =) really...thank you!!

I know exactly how you feel, friend. I've told my parents multiple times that I wanted to be a police officer but they constantly brushed it aside, told me to get a "real job" and that only failures join the police force. I understand that they want me to be successful. I want myself to be successful. However our definitions of success are completely different, like night and day. They see success as having lots of money, a big house, expensive car, and a big family. I see success as doing something that I love and making a difference in the lives of others.