Choosing To Remain Childless When I Want Children

There has never been a time when I have not wanted children. I always felt like I should be having kids from the age of 16 and up. I wanted several, still do. I never imagined a boyfriend or a husband or even a male friend in the mix, so I'm not quite certain how I thought I was having kids, but I was. A child would be the first person I would know who was related to me.

Fast forward several years, and I've married someone I love very much. However, together, we are unable to have children, as he is a transman. We explored our options thoroughly, talking over it practically and ethically. At the same time, I had begun to explore adoption issues, both for myself personally and on a wider, societal level. We also started to look at our childhoods and the new evidence scientific research was giving us on child development and the harmful effects of traditional Western parenting.

Through this learning and self-searching, we came to the conclusion that we could not bring a child into the world when he/she would not know his/her father and/or siblings. It would be ethically wrong to do so. This led us away from ***** and other gamete "donation" and towards not only a known donor solution but a co-parenting one. We would choose, interview, and get to know a man interested in becoming a father. If we all felt comfortable, we would proceed, and he would join our lives and us his so that he would be present and involved in our child's life.

My husband has one friend who would be more than suitable. However, he doesn't want kids, as he's afraid of passing down some of his health issues. This, combined with our inability to find a good co-parent, has led us - for the moment - to stop. But the clock is ticking. I'm nearing the end of my prime fertility years. I'm terrified that if we wait too much longer I'll no longer be able to have children. It seems now, more of the time than not, I give consideration to consciously choosing to remain childless. Without a third-party or engaging in unethical practices, it's my lot in life. One I may need to accept. And it's hard.
tylerheritage tylerheritage
22-25, F
2 Responses May 5, 2012

I myself have yet to decide for certain whether I want a child or not. It's something that's on my mind more and more often. I admire and respect the thought and consideration and analysis you've put into your decisions on children.

I just read your other story as well... I think you are young enough NOT to make such a life long decision. You have a natural desire and right to become a mother no matter who's genetics they are. If you husband cannot contribute, wtf ...get a random donor, you are putting way to much analysis into this...with all do respect...can I be safe to assume that your decision may be a bit overly influenced by you spouse? I read between the lines in your story and watch for when you switch from "I" to "we" and back to "I" again. Search your heart, your child is your child, not matter where the DNA comes from. I am not trying to be critical or mean, I really feel for you, please keep your options open. Learn from the past, don't repeat those mistakes.

No, a child deserves and has the right to know who his/her parents are. I could never, ever subject a child to that intentionally. DNA is important, and I have learned from the past, which is why I won't be repeating the mistakes of my ancestors. Add to that, a father has a right to be in his child's life.

It is possible that we'll find a good man we click with to create a family with, and if that happens, I'm more than up for it. But if it doesn't, I won't make a child suffer for my selfish desires. A child deserves better. He/she didn't choose to be born, the least I can do is bring them into the world in as ethical a fashion as possible - and that means starting out with the father known and involved.