Pentecostal Preacher's Daughter

I only met my Pentecostal preacher father when i was 28 years old. I am now 35. He did 10 years prison in Brushy Mountain prison and 11 years at Idaho State Prison. He comes back to Tennessee and after about 4 years finds me. I am no stranger to my religion and did not get it from him. My grandfather God rest his soul took me to church for years and years. I don,t trust my father as my father or as a preacher. I have lived a very hard life, having diabetes at 7 years old, diagnosed with multiple drug addictions and bi-polar disorder and he has been there through none of it cause i never knew him. I still struggle everyday with addiction. my father of course makes himself scarce when a problem arises with me. Even though he has done some pretty mean things to me I keep reaching out to him wanting him to be the father I've needed all these years. Not to mention the mentor i need so badly to do my calling which i believe is to help people like me.
I am getting no younger and have been patient for the Lord to bring me to my calling.But this is my dilemna, I know I have to be clean which if u have ever been there it is easier said than done. And no matter how hard i pray about it I cant get out of bed and get anything started. Is it selfish to want God to do these things for me that i don't think i am capable of doing, like getting over the depression? I was saved by the blood of the Lamb and spiritually and babtized with water, so I've always knew there was something God had planned for me.(This all happened at 9 years old). I've been almost 30 years thinking of this with no answers. Can u help?
littlelady1977 littlelady1977
36-40, F
Dec 4, 2012