My Father Is Weird To Me

My father is weird to me. He acts like a child all the time. He treats my brother and me like we are the parents. He does not want to be an emotionally nurturing parent to us. This is because he wants to feel special in being child-like in appearance. To be honest, he does have a child-like face but I don't think this excuses child like behaviour or a child like manner or immaturity for a person in their 50s. He acts cute all the time making me wonder how he has the energy to sustain the lie. He does not handle constructive criticism well at all. If any of us ever gets unhappy with something he does or the way he does it, he accuses us of being jealous of his looks.

He walks around like a self-obsessed toy, going about his duties, not acknowledging the presence of any other human being. Its like he walks around in a box or sits in a box.

If we are ever encouraging of him, instead of feeling thankful or grateful for our love, he puffs himself up and does not seem to feel a thing. Also he seems to have an inner dialogue that says "That's all I am". This putting down of self really irritates me because I feel it causes him to do stupid, erratic things. Also I believe in God and that we are made in His image. So this "That's all I am" attitude is unbearable to me.

He feels super-righteous and superior to us because he earns the money in the house and provides for us. He feels he is the most righteous and tolerant of us all. Also when he says "God" or "Jesus", he seems to be talking about himself to the exclusion of others. I would never say I am God or Jesus. I would only say I am Christ-like or at least try to be so. And I believe in always acknowledging that others are one of the three things 1) Christ-like or 2) trying to be Christ-like or 3) potentially Christ-like at some stage.

My father drives us around, does his work and any other chores in order to be "good" and in order to please people. He doesn't see the functionality of him doing the work. He doesn't do it out of Christ-like love but in order to get something out of it. For example, he believes that if he looks after his children, my brother and me now, then we will look after him in his old age. It is true that this is something we would do, but I don't like his selfishness and lack of trust.

He seems to believe that the child is evil because it eats without having to work. Because he still has a child-like appearance, this belief is still operating in his life. He works in order to feel like he deserves to eat. He does not fully acknowledge his need to eat.

He thinks that adult people are unattractive and that they feed the children because the children are attractive. I think he has always bullied my brother and me because he believes children are relatively attractive.

I think he is secretly jealous of us for looking like children, for looking like we deserve more attention and praise for our looks.

Finally and really scarily, he needs constant affirmation for his character and/or Christianity. If he doesn't get this constant affirmation, he gets bewildered and confused and starts to behave badly. He is unable to handle criticism in a generous and intelligent manner.

He also has beliefs around how women have very special bodies and are especially sacred or holy if they are having sex in a marriage or if they are mothers. He believes that sex is something that should cause shame if a person is righteous. He believes that because women have breasts, they, in particular, have feelings of shame when they have sex and therefore must be looked after.

On the other hand, he believes noone should think highly of themselves if they are attractive, because they are after all getting a compliment and praise for their attractiveness from those that are less attractive and therefore naturally jealous.

Because he believes having a physically attractive body  causes others to become jealous, he believes that both the attractive person and the unattractive person are sinful, the attractive person being sinful for having an attractive body and the unattractive person being sinful for being jealous of the attractive person. He thinks jealousy is normal and even healthy, rather than sinful, as  Christianity says it is. He believes that the attractive person is righteous by allowing the jealous, unattractive person to bully them a bit. When he is offered criticism, he reacts by implying that he is attractive and that it is only natural for us to feel jealous of him as less attractive people.

Due to this constant expectation of jealousy and lustfulness from people that are comparatively less attractive, and due to feeling that this is alright and even a good thing since the attractive person gets a compliment from it, my father allows a lot of unfavourable things to happen, does not make wise decisions and does not pray wisely.

Bad things have happened in my past because of my father's inablity to distinguish righteousness from sin. He doesn't believe in the existence of sin or righteousness, only in the existence of attractiveness or unattractiveness.

I am frankly scared of what more could happen from the unwise thoughts and prayers that he sends my way. Please do pray for me and give me any advice that you may have.

P.S. He is thwarted from having relationship with us, his children because he believes that it is the mother who has the right to relate to children and to be emotionally caring, nurturing, empathetic or affectionate. We grew up with little emotional input from him. He puts himself down to prevent himself from having a relationship with us on an emotional level. He never makes himself vulnerable or trusts anyone. Its like he has little humanity because he is looks-obsessed and derives his sense of righteousness from his looks rather than from relationship.





Update of the 24th of August, 2010

I have found out that both my parents are evil. They have destroyed my career and romantic relationships by putting negative thoughts into people's heads.

Even currently, there is someone wonderful who could resuce me from having to live with my parents. They have been trying to keep him from speaking to me. Please pray that he speaks to me plainly and directly. I would never be mean to anyone. I am really easy to speak to.
Annie79 Annie79
31-35, F
Jul 28, 2010