I Am Christian
I love people more than they love me. Have you shared this feeling? I have felt this way my entire life from when I was growing up in a Roman Catholic home, all through my spiritual lesbian and proud days, to now when I am a Born Again Christian. Still I need to know that Jesus loves and accepts me just as I am. I do know that Jesus loves me, but I want to really be sure and feel it with all my being and beyond even a shadow of a single doubt. I want to not just say that I believe I'll spend eternity in Heaven with my Lord, I want to be able to visualize it so clearly that it's part of my every day reality. Today in church my Pastor spoke about how Jesus must be very lonely, because He has always loved people more than He was and is loved in return. It breaks my heart to think of this yet I find that the stronger and closer I get in my walk with Jesus, the more I am lonely too.
When I was a child I remember praying with all my might that I become good enough to deserve God's love. When I went to confession at church I would sometimes have to make up some sins to keep it interesting! Following Grandmother's lead, we went to mass every single Sunday, fasted during Lent (I tried to give up something I liked a lot hoping that I would be able to have His love in the bargain.), ate no meat on Fridays and all during Lent went on Wednesday night for the Stations of the Cross. I was so proud that Dad sang solo for the choir, Grandmother always sat in the first row and Grandfather was an usher who knew everyone (always the first one out the back when church was finally over!) Mom had the task of getting everyone and herself dressed to look our best. The trouble was that no matter how hard I tried to be good, it was never good enough. Even the love of my family felt conditional; the older I got the worse and stricter the conditions required in order to be loved became. For example, Dad and Grandfather both stopped loving me when I was a child growing into a young woman. As a teenager Dad and I were at war; I called him"Dictator" and he mocked me for what he observed as "thinking I was so smart". When I was about nine I would go to the Capitol building to work with Grandfather (he was in Congress for 14 years). It seemed like a castle to me and I was indeed treated like a little princess by my beloved grandfather; I got to visit the Governor's office, eat chocolate cream pie at the cafeteria and go for piano lessons on the way home. When I got my first job he was my happy chauffeur, but when I got my first boyfriend I became very unpopular. Those were the hippie days; the only reason I was not at Woodstock when 14, was because Dad would not give me permission to go! I'll let you just imagine the chaos my "hippie ideas" caused in the family. I was a rebel way before I was a lesbian! After two years at the same local university that Dad went to, I headed out of that town as fast as I could for California.
Honestly I do not recall my first sexual experience with a woman, but I know I came out with my best friend from high school. I do remember the boyfriend one and thought it was quite repulsive and boring. My girlfriend and I went on to California together as she was going to college there. In 1977 we became the proud lesbian parents of a very planned for and wanted son. We called the father a donor, but in all actuality I conceived the old fashioned way. Then it was common for the courts to take custody away from lesbian parents so for this reason we could not risk involving the father. Upon closer examination I discovered that we had quite an attitude and were out to prove to the world that no child needed a father. This was in no small way a reflection of my experience with my own father. Flash forward to now: my son is perfectly happy with two female parents and turned down the opportunity to connect with his biological father. His other parent and I parted ways when he was about three, but she has always been there for my son and she and I remain friends. Naturally I love and reach out to her more than she does to me!
As a child I cried myself to sleep because I felt unloved by God and all four parents. I was punished for things I didn't do and the older I got, the more emotionally abusive Dad became. Grandfather just stopped paying attention to me altogether; when I was a junior in high school he died of cancer. Grandmother ended up rejecting me when I was visiting her at the Catholic convalescent facility where she lived well into her nineties. She claimed I knew nothing of God and never would because I wasn't a practicing Catholic; I remember she went to mass directly after she broke my heart. Last, but hardly least, Mom and I are close friends now. I feel so blessed to have this relationship, which was able to flourish after Dad died. When Dad died he and I were friendly, but it was very shallow. We loved each other, but never learned how to get along below the surface. When my first girlfriend and I split up, I couldn't understand why we couldn't immediately transition into just friendship. I feel that way right now about my most recent ex partner.
After my first best friend, I spent many years looking for true love. You might say that I was in love with the idea of love. In typical "lesbian U Haul" fashion I thought nothing of moving anywhere to be with my latest love. I became confused and made love with friends who I needed to stay platonic. I was in love with an alcoholic/addict woman who beat me; I did have the sense to get my son and myself away from her, but I really loved her in spite of her problems. I loved a few men along the way, but I never enjoyed sex with men. I enjoyed sex with women too much! I've had three committed partnerships with women. The last time around was with someone I'll call,Butch. We met on-line in a lesbian chat room; after about six visits, I decided I couldn't live without her and left CA for PA. Butch bought me my first Bible in 2000; shortly thereafter I pledged my life to Jesus Christ. Again I couldn't feel Him consistently though. I have struggled with serious depression since age 19; the illness contributed to my being unable to comprehend the Bible and also I was very angry at God for not taking it away no matter how hard I prayed and begged. To make a long complicated story shorter, Butch became convinced that our physical relationship was a sin against God so we became platonic partners with an incredibly close emotional and spiritual connection. We are struggling in our friendship now, because I found an open/accepting Baptist church that I am loving and she feels the need to constantly warn me that my salvation is in jeopardy. She believes the ministers at my church are deceiving people by preaching that a gay lifestyle is acceptable. I'm asking a lot of questions and considering going to Exodus International for counseling. I do not think that the gay lifestyle is a disease that needs to be healed, but I am concerned that it is not within the scope of being obedient to God's Word. I am having a very hard timing deciding what His will is for me, but I know that if I learn to completely TRUST Him I'll find my answers and some peace! I want the sense of feeling FREE by my Faith so much.
Fairly recently I became truly reborn again; I really felt the presence of the Holy Spirit and my depression lifted. Finally I am able to read and comprehend the Bible; I'm enjoying it and gaining insights at a rapid speed. I prayed for this and it has come true. When all is said and done,despite the loneliness and isolation, I wouldn't trade who I am today in Jesus Christ for anything this world has to offer. I pray that the closeness I share with my King and Savior will fill me up to the brim, that the loneliness will ease. I'm like the butterfly with a new beginning. I have so much hope and love for Him; I do know He loves me back. I'm so excited at the prospect of developing and maturing to be all He promises to guide me to be. I am prepared to have more love than I receive in this world, because nothing can compare to the love of Jesus. I'm here solely to do His will and serve Him.
When I was a child I remember praying with all my might that I become good enough to deserve God's love. When I went to confession at church I would sometimes have to make up some sins to keep it interesting! Following Grandmother's lead, we went to mass every single Sunday, fasted during Lent (I tried to give up something I liked a lot hoping that I would be able to have His love in the bargain.), ate no meat on Fridays and all during Lent went on Wednesday night for the Stations of the Cross. I was so proud that Dad sang solo for the choir, Grandmother always sat in the first row and Grandfather was an usher who knew everyone (always the first one out the back when church was finally over!) Mom had the task of getting everyone and herself dressed to look our best. The trouble was that no matter how hard I tried to be good, it was never good enough. Even the love of my family felt conditional; the older I got the worse and stricter the conditions required in order to be loved became. For example, Dad and Grandfather both stopped loving me when I was a child growing into a young woman. As a teenager Dad and I were at war; I called him"Dictator" and he mocked me for what he observed as "thinking I was so smart". When I was about nine I would go to the Capitol building to work with Grandfather (he was in Congress for 14 years). It seemed like a castle to me and I was indeed treated like a little princess by my beloved grandfather; I got to visit the Governor's office, eat chocolate cream pie at the cafeteria and go for piano lessons on the way home. When I got my first job he was my happy chauffeur, but when I got my first boyfriend I became very unpopular. Those were the hippie days; the only reason I was not at Woodstock when 14, was because Dad would not give me permission to go! I'll let you just imagine the chaos my "hippie ideas" caused in the family. I was a rebel way before I was a lesbian! After two years at the same local university that Dad went to, I headed out of that town as fast as I could for California.
Honestly I do not recall my first sexual experience with a woman, but I know I came out with my best friend from high school. I do remember the boyfriend one and thought it was quite repulsive and boring. My girlfriend and I went on to California together as she was going to college there. In 1977 we became the proud lesbian parents of a very planned for and wanted son. We called the father a donor, but in all actuality I conceived the old fashioned way. Then it was common for the courts to take custody away from lesbian parents so for this reason we could not risk involving the father. Upon closer examination I discovered that we had quite an attitude and were out to prove to the world that no child needed a father. This was in no small way a reflection of my experience with my own father. Flash forward to now: my son is perfectly happy with two female parents and turned down the opportunity to connect with his biological father. His other parent and I parted ways when he was about three, but she has always been there for my son and she and I remain friends. Naturally I love and reach out to her more than she does to me!
As a child I cried myself to sleep because I felt unloved by God and all four parents. I was punished for things I didn't do and the older I got, the more emotionally abusive Dad became. Grandfather just stopped paying attention to me altogether; when I was a junior in high school he died of cancer. Grandmother ended up rejecting me when I was visiting her at the Catholic convalescent facility where she lived well into her nineties. She claimed I knew nothing of God and never would because I wasn't a practicing Catholic; I remember she went to mass directly after she broke my heart. Last, but hardly least, Mom and I are close friends now. I feel so blessed to have this relationship, which was able to flourish after Dad died. When Dad died he and I were friendly, but it was very shallow. We loved each other, but never learned how to get along below the surface. When my first girlfriend and I split up, I couldn't understand why we couldn't immediately transition into just friendship. I feel that way right now about my most recent ex partner.
After my first best friend, I spent many years looking for true love. You might say that I was in love with the idea of love. In typical "lesbian U Haul" fashion I thought nothing of moving anywhere to be with my latest love. I became confused and made love with friends who I needed to stay platonic. I was in love with an alcoholic/addict woman who beat me; I did have the sense to get my son and myself away from her, but I really loved her in spite of her problems. I loved a few men along the way, but I never enjoyed sex with men. I enjoyed sex with women too much! I've had three committed partnerships with women. The last time around was with someone I'll call,Butch. We met on-line in a lesbian chat room; after about six visits, I decided I couldn't live without her and left CA for PA. Butch bought me my first Bible in 2000; shortly thereafter I pledged my life to Jesus Christ. Again I couldn't feel Him consistently though. I have struggled with serious depression since age 19; the illness contributed to my being unable to comprehend the Bible and also I was very angry at God for not taking it away no matter how hard I prayed and begged. To make a long complicated story shorter, Butch became convinced that our physical relationship was a sin against God so we became platonic partners with an incredibly close emotional and spiritual connection. We are struggling in our friendship now, because I found an open/accepting Baptist church that I am loving and she feels the need to constantly warn me that my salvation is in jeopardy. She believes the ministers at my church are deceiving people by preaching that a gay lifestyle is acceptable. I'm asking a lot of questions and considering going to Exodus International for counseling. I do not think that the gay lifestyle is a disease that needs to be healed, but I am concerned that it is not within the scope of being obedient to God's Word. I am having a very hard timing deciding what His will is for me, but I know that if I learn to completely TRUST Him I'll find my answers and some peace! I want the sense of feeling FREE by my Faith so much.
Fairly recently I became truly reborn again; I really felt the presence of the Holy Spirit and my depression lifted. Finally I am able to read and comprehend the Bible; I'm enjoying it and gaining insights at a rapid speed. I prayed for this and it has come true. When all is said and done,despite the loneliness and isolation, I wouldn't trade who I am today in Jesus Christ for anything this world has to offer. I pray that the closeness I share with my King and Savior will fill me up to the brim, that the loneliness will ease. I'm like the butterfly with a new beginning. I have so much hope and love for Him; I do know He loves me back. I'm so excited at the prospect of developing and maturing to be all He promises to guide me to be. I am prepared to have more love than I receive in this world, because nothing can compare to the love of Jesus. I'm here solely to do His will and serve Him.
By:
DeborahLmaZ
Age:
56-60
,
Female
