I Struggle And I Need Help

Okay, I really need some help, insight and encouragement. I am a Christian and I love God more than anything else on Earth.. I want to serve him until the very last day of my life & beyond, but recently, I've been tortured by some thoughts.

The thing is, I am two weeks shy of 18 years old, and I am about 4''11 feet tall. I am also about 165 lbs. I have never liked the way I look, have been abused verbally and physically by my father in the past & also bullied a lot. I feel like a failure. Even people at my church are making fun of me behind my back, those I thought were very firm in the Lord. Like this recent situation, when two of my friends (a boy and a girl) were walking around the town and saw a really massive tall girl in front of them, and the boy was like 'Isn't it ***? (me)' and laughed. Or that one thing that happened at a recent conference, when I was serving in children's ministry. A few volunteers, including me, were about to go jumping with the children, and one really tall and skinny girl, a pastor's daugher, was like 'Are YOU going too? YOU?!' with the really disgusted look on her face, motioning around her waist, clearly meaning the fat I have.
All of this just makes me feel like a failure. I have never questioned God's love or His plan for my life, so I have no idea how to deal with it.

I have always had a dream of being an actress. I was sure this was what He wanted for me. So this year, after taking an exam in a theater college, I was told I had a speech imdepement. That closed the door to my dream forever. My speech problem was never very obvious, but I do feel slightly uncomfortable to speak, some words and sounds are a struggle to say and sometimes people don't understand me. That is VERY ugly and disgusting. Actually what my heart really longs for is to go into full time ministry, but then I am having these doubts right now. Would God really want a minister like me? Someone so fat and ugly? I mean, look at all most recognized ministers of today - they are all skinny. Benny Hinn, Kathryn Kuhlman, Misty Edwards, Kim Walker, the list goes on and on. I've never faced real doubt before so I don't know how to deal with it. I do believe in God and his love. I just can't truly believe it applies to me as well. Why did he have to make me like this? If he loves me why didn't he give me a pretty face, normal skin (mine is really, really white), normal speech, normal teeth, normal height&weight? I almost died a few years ago and had to go through hormonal treatment which made me gain weight. I went through anorexia and bulimia before I knew Jesus. I used to cut and attempted suicide before I was a Christian. It all was because of how ugly I am. I thought I was done with these problems but I feel like they are coming rushing back to me now. I feel like starving myself again, sometimes I feel like dying. Somebody said I look like a caricature on a human being. It must be true. Why did he have to make me ugly? I don't want to be myself, I just don't know what to do anymore somebody please help me, any thoughts, any advice, anything at all.
I just feel like such trash right now.
iloveGod18 iloveGod18
18-21, F
2 Responses Sep 15, 2012

prayingfor you

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just a proof that i am not lying and i AM ugly. i am on the right. the disgusting girl is me.