This is just a personal rant.
It's so weird when I write about God based on my perspective on things. It's like, I don't know if you guys will understand me, but I kind of just put it out there and hope for the best.
I have made plenty of mistakes growing up. And growing up I have had such a rocky childhood. Growing up with parents with bi-polar and split personalities is tough, but it's even harder because there's no one I can run to. My step-dad utterly hates me and my mom loves him far too much to think about me first.
And it's cool. This has been my life since I was 5 and I'm 19 now. The abuse has been both physical and verbal and the only thing I can do now is just end the abusive cycle here. It's strange, I have a younger sister but it's my step dads child and he doesn't lay a hand on her.
It's been hard for me to "not" believe in God though. Because although I just feel so alone in this God forsaken house, it's like I can feel someone with me. Ever since I was a kid. I was the kid who would stay up late and look at the stars and pray for a shooting star to pass by so I could wish for a way out. That was before I really knew who God was. But at that time, He was my shooting star. Something that I never saw. Something that I felt had the ability to take me away from all this...Something that just never came.

He didn't "come" because He was already there. He didn't take me away but he stood by me and fought it with me. It's hard. And it makes me cry. My mom got mad at me and it was all because she was at work. I called her while she was around her coworkers. But for some reason it really angered her. She said "I told you I was at work! Why didn't you just hang up the phone" Before that call, I had called her 10 minutes earlier and she told me she was leaving. I just really didn't know. But I hung up the phone as she was yelling at me and she called my step-dad. I lied and told him my phone died. But she ratted me out to him and elaborated a 1 minute and 30 second phone call.

He just kept saying, "we'll deal with it when you get here". Naturally I started crying. I'm just so... afraid. He's so happy she is upset with me and so excited for her to get here. I don't want to fight tonight. I don't want to lose my temper. I don't want this.

I don't really care much about what they think about me. They both suffer from delusions. They paint the picture they would like to see and run with it. My mom is just so caught up in her husband you guys wouldn't believe the stories. And I've lost her. and there is no getting her back right now. She's dependent on him and she's a very insecure woman and she cares so much what others think of her. As long as she gets approval, she's alright.
I hung up because I wanted her to just calm down. She was just very heated...over a phone call. But that's not what this story is about.

God is a shooting star. Wishing is praying. I am not mad at Him that this is my life. He didn't make them this way. People have freedom of choice. We are who we choose to be. I am so used to having to defend myself but then it hit me. "What am I accomplishing by arguing with the blind?" It doesn't matter how good you are at speaking, or how good your sermon is. People will only be as open to change as their heart is. You can't force someone to sympathize or understand if that's just not where their heart is at. I can't get my parents on my side. I can't make them truly love me. Since I was 5 years old, I have been public enemy number one.

But that's not how God sees me. God doesn't hate me. He's not bitter towards me. He doesn't seek for approval and doesn't allow others to alter and transform who He is. Situations do not define God and they shouldn't define you or me either. I can not control how my parents act I can only control how I react. I can't allow this to make me bitter, I can't miss out on God's presence because I'm so caught up with where I am. Life isn't defined by the people around you, the situations you have been through, or even the things that has happened to you. Jesus was friends of sinners, he was mocked, and he was murdered. That doesn't change 'who' he was.

If you ever feel yourself sacrificing your character, worth, or dignity because of the world, I just want to say that there is far better in Heaven and in the heart of God.

He has sent us down to the world, like He did with Jesus, not to be changed but to inspire change. I love you. And more importantly God loves you. If God was a star, He'd be the galaxy. If you ever needed to understand exactly how much He loves you, just look up and imagine you were floating in space, just surrounded by all that He is.
lavalife lavalife
22-25, F
4 Responses Aug 22, 2014

"I cannot control how my parents act, I can only control how I react." You have been given a great grace to realise this, and to be able to rationalise and cope with the difficult dynamics of your home life. Until you are able to leave home, you need to continue to learn to rise above the insane and abusive behaviour, remembering that Jesus was abused by demonically possessed people and every kind of insanity. He has gone there before you to show you there is a way to break through. He is the God of breakthrough!

Thank you so much. Your comment really means a lot to me. so much.

amen

You have wisdom beyond your years. Just keep praying with your eyes on Jesus and seeking His guidance and blessings will come to you. God’s blessings!

I definitely wil! Thank you!

Wonderful post. May you grow in the wisdom of salvation and may you be a blessing to many other people who are struggling in this world.

All Praise The Ancient Of Days

God Bless you!