Tragic Flaws

I have been single for over 10 years now.  I am 28 years old.  I have had a few opportunities to have a boyfriend, but they always seem to fizzle out and/or explode in my face. 

I'm not necessarily looking for someone perfect, and I'm sure my catalog of failures isn't terribly different from many other peoples, and I'm far from perfect myself. 

That said, I'm starting to feel that I'll always be single, and that makes me depressed, but the idea of being in a relationship makes me equally depressed. 

The last person I was in love with was a TERRIBLE idea.  He was my boss, and had been sued for sexual harrassment in the past.  I never got romantically involved with him, but I flirted with him a good deal.

It's unclear if he was interested in me, very dysfunctional about women in general, particularly those he worked with, or some combination of the two.  For a little while, he was driving through my neighborhood to try and find out things about me. 

He would do something inappropriate, then get paranoid that I was going to sue him, then threaten to fire me, and even went so far as to start making comments about killing women and his girlfriend (not me), then AFTER he finally did let me go, he showed up at a hangout of mine with his actual girlfriend.  When he saw me, he ran away. 

I'm not sure why I fell in love with him, but I did.  It doesn't make sense to fall in love with someone who obviously is sort of obsessed with you/hates you.  I wasn't his first female employee that he developed an unhealthy fascination with, however.  It definitely seemed to be a pattern. 

Somehow, I let him in, and I think that's why it hurt.  I didn't intend to, but I did.  There were likeable and even good aspects of his personality, but he was also, on many levels, despicable at best and pathological at worst. 

After that, I started trying, somewhat haphazardly and pathetically, to date men again.  I'd briefly had a boyfriend that my friend set me up with in April of last year, but he also began threatening to hit me and didn't seem interested in anything but sex from me, and really unemotional, controlling sex at that.  When he blew me off on my birthday and even went so far as to be openly rude to me, I was through with him. 

Since then, I've attempted to remain completely emotionally detached from men, and this strategy makes me feel both lonely and empowered at the same time. 

My current boss brags openly about cheating on his new wife, who gets up before him every day to make him a sack lunch.  When I hear about things like this, I wonder, what's the incentive in being in a relationship? 

The men I've been involved with (briefly) in the last year have

1.  Threatened violence against me

2.  Stalked me, Threatened violence against me

3.  Wanted me to move in with them after one date, threatened violence against me when I broke it off

4.  Jobless, didn't remember who I was when I ran into him in public

5.  Jobless, Alcoholic

6.  had an STD, didn't seem interested

7.  2 Internet dates that made me feel like an escort   

I spoke with my long-ago ex (from high school) last night, my first, and still by far, best boyfriend.  I don't think that we'll ever get back together, but for the most part, we had a decent relationship, and he's a decent human being.  I suppose what I'm looking for here is hope that someone is capable of treating me like a human being, and loving me as well, and that I will be capable of doing the same for them.  I really don't think that's too much to ask. 

TurquoiseLady TurquoiseLady
26-30, F
3 Responses Jul 20, 2007

I've known some scary men too. I think living without that kind of relationship can be good, at least for some people. It's working for me, so far. But I wish the poster success in finding what she wants.

That is one very impressive record. You definitely need a better man acquisition and filtering system!!!! Never mind gaydar, you need an ugrade of your straightdar :P

I have the gift for attracting psychos! There are good men in this world, i was with one for 16 years then he passed on. I do hold on to that , you will find one too.