What Was The Closet For You?

The closet meant for me: guilt, obssessive falling in love, thinking that everybody wants the same thing, thinking that I had "chemistry" with girls that I probably didn't, guilt about every little thing, a gap between me and the real world, living in my head, having illusions and being strongly convinced they are true, not being actually close to any of my friends or familly, thinking that I was a lesbian, thinking that I'm not, thinking, thinking, thinking, guilt, always the guilt, guilt about feeling guilt, trying to measure my sexual attraction to every single person that I met (guy or a girl), self-hatred, pressure, thinking that finding a good relationship will be so easy (as long as I wanted it), thinking that everybody knew, thinking that nobody knew, always thinking and never ever actually doing, or living.
notnownotever notnownotever
18-21, F
3 Responses May 12, 2012

This is amazing... you've portrayed your feelings very nicely! I'm a closeted girl too.. we can chat if you are ever feeling down or want someone to vent to because trust me.. I sure do sometimes

I felt exactly the same way and still do around my (very) conservative aunt and uncle. I feel so much guilt and and separation and dishonesty and acid in my heart from hiding for so long. One day I'll tell them who I really am, and they can decide if they want to accept me and stay in my life or close the door in my face. I love them desperately, but one day it's going to have to happen. I hope I'm strong enough when the time comes. As long as I remember that I will always have my parents and my siblings right behind me, I know it'll all be fine.

That's exactly how I feel right now. I'm not completely in the closet, but only three really close friends know that I even find girls attractive, and still they think I'm bi. And the more they think I like guys, the more they push me to be with a guy. Also, my best friend is a guy and he likes me a lot. It makes being around him so awkward because I feel guilty that I don't feel the same. He'll brush my hair behind my hair, kiss my forehead, and pull me on to his lap and the whole time I just feel this crushing weight of guilt because I don't want to push him away, but I don't feel the same way. My two girl best friends try to push me to be with him and it makes me even more confused because the pressure just becomes so overwhelming to be with him. All I do is think and fantasy a better life for myself and whole time I just spend thinking, dreaming, hoping that someone will come in my life and make everything better. The fantasy has become my light, my reason to live and the real truth is that I'm not really living... so believe me, I know how you feel.