Havng A Hard Time Right Now

I was in denial for a long time about being a lesbian. In my my mind i wanted to be "normal" and wanted a family. I met a man when i was seventeen and he fell completely in love with me, and because of that i loved him and thought it would work and i could have the family i always wanted.. but i was never truly happy. i was with him for nine years and it was an unhealthy relationship for the most of it. i had two boys who are now four and seven.after a couple months of separating from their father A year ago i came out of the closet not completely but to most of the people in my life besides my mother and grandmother and even to my kids daddy. i felt the most amazing feeling of finally being true to myself. i kind of went wild for a while. my kids went to stay with their father which what was supp to be for two months of the summer and after his mother who has lots of money and him hired a lawyer and he got primary care giver of the kids and joint custody so pretty much they were living with him and there wasnt nothing i could do about it. i had an awsome time for a while being with a woman for the first time was the most awsome experience of my life and it forever changed me. after getting burned by women a couple times blowing up the motor in my car and pretty much messing up everything in my life.......there is Billy(my kids daddy) telling me he loves me and wants to try and make things work for me and him and the boys....so i went back thinking things could be like before.....they werent of course i got into a bad depression for four months and felt like a coward. i couldnt stand for him to touch me so that was a big issue...but i didnt want to leave my baby boys ....cause legally i couldnt take them with me......well needless to say from the argueing dcfs got envolved and it was breaking my heart not being able to love him like i wanted to and my babies not seein me happy....even though i didnt want to leave my babies i knew it was best and we were at risk for losing the children if we stayed together.at least i get them every other weekend...so here i am today staying at my mothers until i get on my feet and getting ready to start a new life and new job and i am scared shitless....and im so sad cause i have to let go of the desire for my "normal"  family to work with billy.....letting go is so hard after being together for so long....but i know the only way i can ever be happy is to be true to myself and follow my heart and i know i want to be in love with and marry a good woman someday....i know it will probably get harder before it gets better but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and after all this im gna be one strong woman. I believe in soul mates and i know someday i am going to find true love with the right person........now for the hardest thing my next step.....coming out to my mother.........i really do enjoy other peoples opinions and support so please comment......
christina1986 christina1986
22-25, F
1 Response May 21, 2012

i do know what your going through, for 21 years i have been with my wife for the "kids", my wife said she could change me back to straight, it never worked out and i have been unhappy for the last 17 years of our marriage. be strong, be yourself and enjoy every moment you spend with your kids. i had a second coming out this past month and have never been happier with myself then i have this past month, things will and do get better in the end. take care