Trying to Change My Commitment-phobic Ways
I am a 20 year old, young woman and I am scared of making a commitment. I am currently in therapy to get over my fears, which apply not only to romance and dating, but also affect other areas of my life (school, planning for my career, friendships, simple decisions and responsibilities). I want love. I want intimacy. But whenever I feel like things are getting too serious, like someone is getting too close, I feel the need to run away... the need to push them away.
I know why I do this. There's a history of bad marriages/relationships in my family. My paternal grandparents divorced, my maternal grandparents are separated (they don't talk to each other to this day), my aunt has had a series of unstable relationships (she became pregnant early, was in an abusive marriage, now divorced), my uncle emotionally abuses his life partner, and my parents are emotionally divorced (still married and live together, but there's no real love between them).
That said, I haven't had many examples of stable, happy marriages. Marriage seems doomed. I know this isn't the case. I know that happy marriages do exist and I hope to have one. But I just feel so much anxiety about choosing the "right person." How can you ever know if they are the right person? What if you decide and later it turns out to be terrible? Perhaps it would be better not to try at all...
Except I do want intimacy. I do want love. I long to be able to dote on someone... just the "right" one.
My fears are currently very high. I have liked someone for months now and now know that he feels the same way toward me and am trying my hardest to resist pushing him away now that I know how he feels. It just all feels so... serious, especially since we are both Christian and Christian dating tends to be focused on dating toward marriage. I noticed that after I learned that he is interested in me, I started thinking about him less and didn't want to talk to him. And I was actually a little annoyed when he tried to talk to me.
We are taking things slow, but this would be my first dating relationship. If I let this get serious, how would I ever know if this is right, since I won't have any other dating experience to compare it against? I just don't want to make the wrong decision. And at the same time... I feel guilty about my confusion because I don't want to continue to lead him on if I'm going to end up hurting him in the end.
But I am working with my psychologist because I know that it is unhealthy to be this fearful. It limits my ability to live a happy and confident life, and therefore limits my ability to achieve God's plan for my life.
I MUST defeat this.