I Am Compelled Three

Feeling cast adrift
Mr. Hyde chasing Dr. Jekyll away
What I want to do I don't do
What I don't want to do I do
Amazed with hand covering mouth
Eyes wide with fright
Incredulous - I gasp for air
Seas boil and rage
Billows surge high and drop sickeningly low
To do it all over again
Fear - of God
Fear - of myself
Fear - of discovery
Nauseous fear
I am Compelled Three

Three parts of me compelled
in different directions
Friction is high
Heat is hot
Tears blind my eyes
Heart torn askew
Begging for Grace
Hopeless but for Mercy
How long will I writhe
And complain in my spirit?
The corrider gets narrower
Ceiling and floor come together in the distance
Constrained and restrained in increasing fury
I don't understand myself or others
I am Compelled Three

Looking one way
While sliding sideways
Blinded to light
Only cosmic glimpses occasionally
Of stars and constellations in heavenly glory
The rest of the time is clouds, darkness and sulphur
Smoke that wreathes my senses
Inside I am like a frantic child
Outside a fragile, barely controlled man
Trying to survive a time of deep depression
Trying to make sense of asymmetry
I understand the game - the eternal fight
Black dog versus White dog and
victory to whom I feed the most
Yet knowledge doesn't seem to chart my course
Foolishness instead prevails
Where I go I do not know
I am Compelled Three

Casting myself at the feet of Mercy
Angry with so much
I fear the rage that resides within me
like Cuchulain the Damned
Uncontrollable and loath to live
From whence does my Help come from?
Help, where are You?
I reach for help with one hand
Yet retain empty darkness in the other
Frigid and needy
Mortified, sad, confused and lonely
I am Compelled Three

by Compelled Three

compelled3 compelled3
46-50, M
Mar 7, 2009