Will Always Be

i was 17, he was 26. that is when we really met. but i had been infatuated with him since the moment i hit puberty. silly. he lived 2 houses down from my grandmother. i would spend entire summers at her house, sitting on the porch watching him work on his car.
then he moved.
but his mother was talking to me and granny one day and told us were he moved to.
i drove past there all the time.
finally got up the nerve to put a letter in his mailbox. i dont remember exactly what it said. but i told him i liked him and wrote down my number. he called a few days later. we talked for so long. then we met at one of my friends houses. it was amazing. but then after that i didnt hear anything from him, not until i was 18. maybe he was scared of me being underage. i dont know.
but we ended up hanging out at his house a lot. he was the most intesting person to me back then. i was naive.
it was on again off again, for years. i was a tease, he toyed with my emotions. would never commit. i finally broke down one drunken drugged up jaded night. i slept with him. i didnt want to and pushed him off of me and said no. but kept passing out and waking up with him on top of me.
i awoke the morning after thinking it was a bad dream, i felt that i had my clothes on, my top, my skirt, but then.....no underwear. i panic and look up, he is standing in the doorway laughing. then brings me a glass of water and some tylenol, telling me i will need them.
that was the last time i saw him.

he has continuosly invaded my dreams through the years. im married now, i have a child. and still there he is in my dreams, but never him really, just a version of him that i want him to be. i wake and no its not real and that he is not like that. he is not kind, or caring or loves me. or has ever. he is a pervert.
i am friends with him now on facebook, and of course he likes all these sites with naked or nude in the title. and we talk like old friends. and i dont want to feel like this, but i want him to want me.
i feel so disgusted with myself.
i must be crazy.
dragonflykist dragonflykist
26-30, F
Jan 9, 2013