Oh Geez...

Hello everybody! 
This is my very first story. I really don't know what inspired me to write this, because I do have close friends that i can confide in, but I guess I wanted to write this anonymously... let anybody see it and judge me accordingly. Posting a story kind of gives you that naked feeling, like you're completely vulnerable, laying all of your cards on the table. And that's a new feeling for me. As a general rule I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, although I really do admire those who have the strength to do so. I guess hiding behind anonymity helps. But anyways, that's enough of a disclaimer on my part (it's an odd thing I do, but I always feel the need to justify what I'm doing so everybody understands it even if nobody cares).
What I really wanted to talk about is, well, change. In exactly one week my life is going to change completely. And it scares the **** out of me just about as much as it excites me. I'm 18 and I'm moving away from home for the first time. Leaving for university, waving good bye to the small town life I once knew to join the big leagues. I know I'm ready, I've been preparing my whole life. But that doesn't mean I don't have the sinking feeling of complete and total unpreparedness. I'm one of those people that leaves everything to the very last minute, and then scrambles to organize everything. Fortunately, this worked out quite well for me in high school as I could always count on my brain. Now, I know this sounds horribly hypocritical for what I'm about to say, but believe me when I say I'm really not arrogant. It's just I'm smart, so for the amount of effort I put into my courses in high school I got really good marks. I'm not saying I'm a genius or anything- just slightly above average. Enough to get me into a really good university. And that's where my problem really starts I guess. I know that these terrible habbits will no work in university, I just don't think I can change. My parents have put the pressue on me (and rightly so I believe) to do well because it's so expensive, and so I can get into a good grad school. My schedule is going to be crazy hectic (I'm going into science!) and I have absolutely no sense of time management. I guess I really need to start exercising my will power, because I know that it really all comes down to that good ol' saying "it's just mind over matter". Maybe if my mind wasn't so disheveled thinking and worrying about stupid things I would be able to wrap it around the bigger matters in life. But as it is my mind is going a mile a minute, not letting me stop to think and organize my life.
And now comes the scary part- talking about my feelings. I know, I know- not the feelings. Anything but the feelings. I feel the same way, but for some reason continually pushing them down and thinking that I'll deal with them later has come back to haunt me. Weird. Ah, well, anyways, I'm feeling very... apprehensive? I'm not looking for advice or anything here, it's just this is how I'm dealing with these... emotions.  Ok, here it goes- story time! I have always been the kind of person to make friends fairly easily, but I'm not usually the one to have a ton of casual friends. I'm more of the few close friends kind of girl. And I know that I'm easy going, friendly, and sometimes funny... but the draw back is I'm also one of those terribly awkward in new social situations kind of people. Like I said, I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, and sometimes I think it hurts me more than it helps me. I'm fairly shy and unless I'm comfortable with the people I'm around (in which case I'm pretty loud actually) I struggle to think of things to say and usually keep quiet. Well I really want to break out of my shell at university and make as many friends as I can. I'm actually going with my best friend which as much as it's a huge help, I secretly feel like if I wanted to reinvent myself she would inhibit that change. But that's not my biggest worry about her. As terribly terrible and as horribly horrible as it may sound I'm resenting her for no fault of her of her own just because I know people are going to want to make friends with her and flirt with her over me. Now, deny it all you want, but people (in general) in a new social setting are going to seek out the more attractive people to try and be friends with. Realistically I know she's more attractive than me. I know, we've found the root of my problem! Hallelujah! She's just self conscious! I'm well aware of that aspect of my personality. I've always been over weight (not a ton, but enough that guys would pick a girl with the same level of facial beauty but a better body) and my friend has always been skinny. Not to mention personality wise I know she's going to fit in better with the people we are going to be living with (based on the reputation of the residence and personal experience). Is it wrong that I don't want her to make more friends than me? Is it bad that I'm scared that any boy I like will just overlook me and go straight for her? I know that none of this is her fault and I hate myself for resenting her for it, but I can't help it. I know how ******* petty it is, and I know that it should be the least of my worries, but I can't help but worry about it. And I guess that's why I'm confused about life.
As a side note, the title is because I knew that I would ramble on for a lot longer than I thought I could. I always seem to have a lot more to confess than I think I do. I don't expect anybody to read all this, but it was really nice to get that all of my chest. A special thanks if you read it all :)

comeonnowsugar comeonnowsugar
Aug 14, 2010