Not Sure Anymore

I fell in love with a man and for a whole year it was like everything was perfect.  We spent as much time together as possible.  He was and is my first serious relationship.  We moved in together and I didn't think twice about it.  Only after we had been together for a year and half did issues come up.  I suppose this is the usual course of a relationship. 

Last spring/summer we broke up.  We were together for about 3 1/2 years.  It was his decision, really, but I ultimately agreed with him.  I was allowing the relationship to consume my life and that wasn't good.  It was very difficult after we moved out.  Then a few months later he told me that he wanted to be with me.  We ultimately ended up back together, though we are still living apart.  He has gone through a lot just recently.  He was injured in a car crash and was let go from his job.  He has needed more time for himself. 

Over the last couple months, though, I have been doubting our relationship.  I don't know if I am overanalyzing things or what.  Before we broke up, I always assumed that we would get through whatever life threw our way together.  Now that we have broken up the once, I am not sure anymore.  Instead I worry about the future.  I am almost 30, and now I feel pressure to decide what I want to do in life.  Should I get married and have kids?  Should I go it alone?  I don't know what I want to do for a career, really.  I honestly am confused about what even makes me happy anymore. 

I don't want to break up with him if the problem lies within me and not our relationship.  How do you tell?  Since this is my first serious relationship, I just don't know.  Is it normal to question your relationships and your love? I know that I care about him very very much, but I am scared.  Scared that things won't work out.  Scared that i will make the wrong decision, whether it means choosing to stay with him or not.   I don't want to regret leaving this guy if he is really the guy I am meant to be with.  I am so confused.

foxxy0404 foxxy0404
4 Responses Mar 11, 2009

You said it all" getting SUCKED back into the trap"..a relatioship that's destroying your relaxation, joy and natural thinking, is not right. You want one that's joyful and promising..You just solved your problem.You do know what you want. You realize what you don't. Putting things in action is next and possibly the hardest thing you have ever done. Good wishes your way..X owlie.

Thank you for your responses Wiseowl and Tylorian. <br />
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I guess I feel like I am putting pressure on myself to make some kind of decision. But I suppose it doesn't make sense to make a decision when I am so confused. <br />
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I feel like I am getting sucked back into the trap of making this relationship the focal point of my life again. All I do is worry about it all the time. And it's not useful worrying (if there is such a thing). I worry about the future based on the problems we have had in the past. I am afraid that all this worrying and doubting will eventually destroy my relationship without any other help from me. I honestly think it has already done some damage on my end. <br />
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Do you have any suggestions of what I can do to put my concerns aside for now and actually engage in my relationship again? I feel like I carry on half of my relationship in my head and my boyfriend never hears about it. But I don't want to hurt him with all the crazy thoughts in my head. I guess I am not so great at communication, but I really am trying to work on it. <br />
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I appreciate advice from people who have more experience than me. My boyfriend tells me that our relationship is the best one he has ever experienced and doesn't know anyone with a relationship as good as ours. Since this is my first one, I try to take his word for it. But these days, I always hear that if you have any doubts about a relationship, that it obviously isn't meant to be and that you should break up. That is why I appreciate you saying Tylorian, that it is normal to go through bad times. <br />
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Thanks for listening.

It is only natural that you would question the relationship seeing it is your first serious relationship. Keep in mind that most relationships go through good times and bad and that is normal. I would certainly advise keeping him in your life. Because you have doubts, you may want to take it slow for a while.<br />
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If he is someone you can be best friends with, you will always have a good relationship. Love means sticking together through the good times and bad. Never take one another for granted and always keep the lines of communication open.

When I don't know what I want, I look at what I DON"T want. It sorts things out. You can't make a life choice now. Do nothing..go slow. Listen to what he's saying and not saying. Be wise.