I Don't Know

Last night I was on Skype with my boyfriend. He is a million miles away from me and it's all we have. But we're silly and find ourselves getting jealous over ridiculous things. Last night we were joking around and he said something about a person having sex with someone who isn't that great at it, he used a phrase "A two hump chump" and I have never that heard before. So he replied saying "You don't know anything :P" (we tease each other a lot) and I replied "Why do I need to know a phrase like that, when I've never experienced it? ;)" then he got annoyed. He got mad at me and said "Thanks, for making me think about all the guys you've f*cked before" and turned away to watch t.v.
I felt bad, but then I remembered that he's talked about the many gfs he's had over the years, where as I've only ever had two. And believe me, he's had many, he's a very good looking man. So I apologised, saying I didn't mean to bring up something he didn't need to think about. He rolled his eyes and shook his head frustratedly and got spiteful. He told me about the chat room that we met on, and he had been on during the day without telling me and had met a girl that lived 4 hours away from him. I was immediately hurt. He knows how sensitive I am about things like that, because it's one of my greatest fears that he will meet someone closer and break up with me. So he pulled out all the punches with that one. I closed my eyes, coz that's how I stop myself from crying and just rolled over to talk myself out of crying. He saw he had heart me, and called me back to look at him, I rolled over but couldn't look at him and he apologised. In my heart, it didn't feel like it was enough. He's hurt me many times and saying sorry isn't enough any more. He tried to make me smile again, but I truly didn't want to. I just wanted to sleep and cry. He ended up hanging up on Skype to sleep and I didn't go to sleep until this morning. Thinking about how I feel about him now. Do I really love him, especially when he knows exactly how to hurt me and uses it against me. Is that some form of abuse? I don't know any more. It's scaring me because when I get hurt, I shut off to people. I cut them out and no longer care for them, and I'm scared I'm going to do it to him if he hurts me again. I told him I loved him this morning and he always says he loves me back. He didn't today, so I'm just guessing its the beginning of the end.
SomeGenericUsername SomeGenericUsername
18-21, F
May 13, 2012