Having An Issue With My Entire Identity...

this is the first time i have shared a story about my most secret battle. i cannot even tell my therapist about this because it's such an unbelievable mindf**k for me that even i cannot fully absorb what is going on here. please bear with me, and try not to judge... i really don't want to be having this problem and i have had this on my mind for a very long time. this is the only place in the world i feel safe enough to voice it. i have no problem deleting your messages if they are rude or unkind, be warned.

i'm having a gender problem that i realise has been with me all my life but my world has been shaken so much lately i am confused about my whole identity.

i cannot share everything as it is too painful to go into but i started to realise i really was a lesbian not long after i met my ex... at the time my ex was a man but i sensed his femininity in the strangest way. both of us were not being honest with each other but the feelings were there and i guess we call that gaydar or something similar. we were both attracted to each other for the same reasons - being somewhat feminine people attracted to girls.

i tried to live a straight life and even married and had children really young (not my recent ex) because, to be quite honest, i tried to live life as a lesbian but couldn't find any gay women to return my feelings when i was younger. i (wrongfully) assumed that i could "cure" my same-sex attraction by being married and having a family.

not only did my marriage fail, but my ex husband came out of his own closet and i was left with the questions from others about what i knew... i did know in the end, i actively tried to be his "partner" but it didn't work for him in the long run because toys are not a real penis. after giving him two babies my body had become even more soft and supple and i appeared more femme than ever.

back to the gender thing. i discovered my feelings for other girls when i was 6 years old and tried chasing one down for a kiss. at this age i still had a feeling inside that i was going to grow up and be a man somehow, even though i knew from what others were telling me, on the outside i was a girl. i can remember as far back as around 3 years of age when i used to run around in a pair of red shorts in the summertime, with my long dark hair flowing behind me... in my eyes i was mowgli, from the jungle book story. in my heart i knew i was that boy... strange but i identified with this for many years, and even when i realised i was not him i didn't want to believe that made me a girl.

throughout my childhood i was bombarded with messages about developing my girlyness and it was hard to resist all the pretty clothing and nice things we were expected to wear... my last foray into dressing more masculine was in my teens and i felt strong this way, but i was young and i was just trying on different "hats" back then with my personality. i was also mercilessly teased by both boys and girls for appearing this way and it killed my self-esteem a lot to realise that my expression was not up to society's standards of girlyness.

i could not even get a short haircut without being teased or bullied for looking too much like a boy. although i felt more at ease sometimes in the company of boys i could not achieve this when i looked too much like one of them... then they would treat me like a freak. i couldn't handle this and i went back to doing my best to look more femme just so i could get along better with both genders and not feel so much pressure about being different.

fast-forward to the present, my recent ex came out as a transwoman just over a year ago and though i shouldn't have been surprised and hurt by it, i was. it forced me to face this energy that has been inside me since i can remember and i am not comfortable with myself anymore. i have talked to her about it and she believes me... says she has always seen hym and loved me for who i really am... i am shocked because i did not know it was still there. i thought i had killed it, this wrong energy that had been with me all this time.

even though i am single again and i cling to what i have always known in how i present myself and how i behave i do not feel "right" in myself anymore. something is wrong and i'm not feeling very good and i'm also having a hard time trying to hide this energy from others. i don't feel like i am who i used to be around everyone i know and i can't even relate to my family, though my dad may be an exception. i have changed somehow or something has been set free inside me that could not be silenced. i don't want to change anything even though it's not feeling right, i am scared. i need someone to talk to who knows more about it...

i feel like a freak.
Areyan Areyan
14 Responses Sep 25, 2010

Sweetheart, you are not a freak. I'd give anything to have an honest relationship with someone like you. HONEST us the key. I AM a transwoman. .... and with my life experience I can celebrate my lover for whoever they are and need to be.

Pretty clothes are addictive.... if you enjoy them do so.... or not ... I do. However, if you have to express your masculine energy that would be alright too. Even a mix. What I am saying is: were I lucky enough to have someone like you in my life we would find a way.

I am a woman... somehow my body didn't get the memo.... I want to be treated as a woman. In exchange I can adjust to whomever my partner needs to be, and we'd probably have a lot of fun in the process.

You are NOT a freak. You are a unique, rare gift.

Hey, I read your story, and I can relate. I am a 20 year old female, but I am really really struggling with my sexuality and identity. Im so confused with what I want, and need other people to talk to as well (I don't feel like my family could relate, because they all appear so "normal") so if you ever want to chat and share issues and stuff I am open

In many ways I have gone through the same thing. When I started opening up to my dad he said everything he could with in a few hours time to not be what I am. Every time I would try to explore another part of me and get caught, or blamed, they would do what they could to stop me. I'm surprised I haven't been in counseling more than once, which was after all this. <br />
You're not a freak, neither am I (Though I still need to accept it.)<br />
I've had a lot of things hold me back and I've been suffering from it lately. <br />
I say now that you have your own life you should really go out and explore what you need to. Go to the mall or something and buy a bunch of clothes and be a man. :D

I;m sorry for your struggle. Ladies don't have it easy, neither do guys. <br />
But we are what were born, as many times as i thought being a woman would be fun, I'm still a man.<br />
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I'm glad to be me, at the end of the day i don't want to be anything else. <br />
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God Bless you.

ahhhh... yes to walk these shoes... i wouldn't wish this on anyone but in some ways it has been absolutely freeing to face myself finally. thanks for the support and being a friend... i know what you mean about lovin' too ;) whatever works for us eh? thanks again.

WOW - I've worn your shoes as the saying goes.<br />
What I've concluded is that you're experiencing the feelings of finally being honest with yourself. Like you I've struggled with my feelings of self identity on and off for years. I also thought I could "cure" myself but that was only lieing to myself.<br />
When I was a young man in my 20's I related more to women then guys - I felt comfortable with them but realied I wanted to be one of them. So I understand the feelings you're going through. I don't consider myself gay but I have no problem with the thought of giving pleasure to my shemale girl friend. Is that weird or what...<br />
It's all about what will make you feel comfortable inside and give you inner peace. Don't give up, you will find the right answer that fits for you. And when you find it embrace it regardless of what others might think, its your happiness we're talking about.

thank you all for such kind and supportive comments... just leaving an update here. i did try carefully broaching this subject with my therapist but it backfired on me intensely. i wasn't expecting the earth to move or anything spectacular as she has previously told me she's inexperienced in dealing with matters like this. my semi-disclosure was met with transphobia and the reaction that this was something that i was confused about because of my ex at best and at worst that this somehow impacts on my role as a parent to my two children. <br />
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the last statement made me fear for the safety of my family unit and any further disclosure was cut off abruptly at that point. my therapist must have felt/seen my reaction because she's now asking me what role i see her playing in my life as a therapist. i'm gutted... i realise i need to see an actual gender therapist for this issue but i'm convinced more than ever now of who i am and what i need to do. the f**ked thing was, she saw how HAPPY i am and how TOGETHER i seemed. i'm just disappointed to have met with this reaction and worried now for my future. naturally, even though she has made another appt with me next week to discuss this i think i'm going to cancel it.<br />
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my therapist has been relating to me as a woman and i don't think she can accept my change.

I really feel for you. Having transitioned myself from female to male myself, I understand your confusion. At first, I didn't know what I was. I knew that I wanted a penis, but I didn't know if I could keep my breasts; if I could live as a woman with a ****; if I was really a man; if I was a both/and or neither/nor. I came to the realization, though, that I really am male & chose to pursue that. Life is better since I transitioned, not that I'm suggesting that you need to transition. I would never presume to tell someone that. All I can do is share my struggle & hope that you find something that you need in it. I really hope that find some peace with this & offer to lend you an ear if you need it.

{{{HUGS}}} I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time, but I must say that you are NOT a freak. Society still insists on black and white answers when most things are shades of gray.<br />
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I would say that this IS something to talk about with your therapist. I am sure that s/he has some experience with this. Really.

*hugs* You are not a freak. Never a freak. And not having it all worked out isn't the worst thing in the world, even though it's exhausting. That said there is nothing in the world worse than being stuck in the middle when there's pressure to be one or the other. Could it be though that the middle is what you are? You might be struggling to come to terms with a non-binary identity, even if it's not the one you adopt forever, but it might be something to look into.<br />
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I sincerely hope and pray you find the answers you're looking for, and you will even if they don't fit into slots A and B. :)

thanks kris... it means a lot to have anyone accept this in me. and it's profoundly hurtful, yet wonderful to realise i know how you feel inside. *hugs*

*hugs* Welcome to my world. That feeling you reference is exactly how I would describe it....just the opposite.

hey, thanks for your comment. message me anytime if you need to talk. :)

hi there... i could honestly say that i partially understand your story...but it doesn't mean that you're not a good writer, it's just that I can't imagine such happening in real life....anyway, if you need someone to talk to, I can be of help...I am in similar situation too...I have no one to speak w/ about my real sexual orientation...have a good day always...