Having An Issue With My Entire Identity...this is the first time i have shared a story about my most secret battle. i cannot even tell my therapist about this because it's such an unbelievable mindf**k for me that even i cannot fully absorb what is going on here. please bear with me, and try not to judge... i really don't want to be having this problem and i have had this on my mind for a very long time. this is the only place in the world i feel safe enough to voice it. i have no problem deleting your messages if they are rude or unkind, be warned.
i'm having a gender problem that i realise has been with me all my life but my world has been shaken so much lately i am confused about my whole identity.
i cannot share everything as it is too painful to go into but i started to realise i really was a lesbian not long after i met my ex... at the time my ex was a man but i sensed his femininity in the strangest way. both of us were not being honest with each other but the feelings were there and i guess we call that gaydar or something similar. we were both attracted to each other for the same reasons - being somewhat feminine people attracted to girls.
i tried to live a straight life and even married and had children really young (not my recent ex) because, to be quite honest, i tried to live life as a lesbian but couldn't find any gay women to return my feelings when i was younger. i (wrongfully) assumed that i could "cure" my same-sex attraction by being married and having a family.
not only did my marriage fail, but my ex husband came out of his own closet and i was left with the questions from others about what i knew... i did know in the end, i actively tried to be his "partner" but it didn't work for him in the long run because toys are not a real penis. after giving him two babies my body had become even more soft and supple and i appeared more femme than ever.
back to the gender thing. i discovered my feelings for other girls when i was 6 years old and tried chasing one down for a kiss. at this age i still had a feeling inside that i was going to grow up and be a man somehow, even though i knew from what others were telling me, on the outside i was a girl. i can remember as far back as around 3 years of age when i used to run around in a pair of red shorts in the summertime, with my long dark hair flowing behind me... in my eyes i was mowgli, from the jungle book story. in my heart i knew i was that boy... strange but i identified with this for many years, and even when i realised i was not him i didn't want to believe that made me a girl.
throughout my childhood i was bombarded with messages about developing my girlyness and it was hard to resist all the pretty clothing and nice things we were expected to wear... my last foray into dressing more masculine was in my teens and i felt strong this way, but i was young and i was just trying on different "hats" back then with my personality. i was also mercilessly teased by both boys and girls for appearing this way and it killed my self-esteem a lot to realise that my ex
i could not even get a short haircut without being teased or bullied for looking too much like a boy. although i felt more at ease sometimes in the company of boys i could not achieve this when i looked too much like one of them... then they would treat me like a freak. i couldn't handle this and i went back to doing my best to look more femme just so i could get along better with both genders and not feel so much pressure about being different.
fast-forward to the present, my recent ex came out as a transwoman just over a year ago and though i shouldn't have been surprised and hurt by it, i was. it forced me to face this energy that has been inside me since i can remember and i am not comfortable with myself anymore. i have talked to her about it and she believes me... says she has always seen hym and loved me for who i really am... i am shocked because i did not know it was still there. i thought i had killed it, this wrong energy that had been with me all this time.
even though i am single again and i cling to what i have always known in how i present myself and how i behave i do not feel "right" in myself anymore. something is wrong and i'm not feeling very good and i'm also having a hard time trying to hide this energy from others. i don't feel like i am who i used to be around everyone i know and i can't even relate to my family, though my dad may be an exception. i have changed somehow or something has been set free inside me that could not be silenced. i don't want to change anything even though it's not feeling right, i am scared. i need someone to talk to who knows more about it...
i feel like a freak.