Not Quite SureI am not exactly sure what to think about my gender identity. I mean I have always had at least a mild desire to be female, sometimes an irresistable urge. but on the other hand i hold no hatred towards my male gender and feel if i had to i could probably live happy as i am. I was just interested in hearing other's opinions on my situation.
My earliest memory about gender confusion is when i was about 6 i asked my sister if she ever thought about what it would be like as a boy. She didn't but even then i had started to be curious. I also remember a period of a few months where my desire to be a girl was so bad i would nearly cry myself to sleep as i prayed with all my might to experience even one day as a girl. After nothing happened i decided to give up and accept myself as male and i was fine until around puberty.
When i was about 12 i became interested in my sisters clothes. Maybe it was because i wasn't allowed or maybe something more but something in me want to wear feminine clothing. Thus began a few months of very secretive sessions of wearing high heels, bras, panties and make up. After a few very close calls i finally decided to give this up as well, though i think the main reason was because i think i believed that i could never be who i wanted to be and that the crossdressing was just a tease of the unobtainable. I pushed it all to the back of my mind and continued on my "normal life"
I was also around this time i suspected i might be asexual as well. I have no desire to have sex, i can get aroused by fantasy, primarily men being turned into women but i feel no desire to actually have sex with anyone in real life. Maybe this is just my mind telling me i won't enjoy sex as a male so why bother?
Another cause of concern is that now that i am 20, overweight and don't keep care of myself properly i know i can never become who i want to be. Also i don't have desire to suddenly jump into skirts, flirt giggle about boys and fuss endlessly over make up.
i don't sound like a typical girl. I am not emotional, i don't love shopping, I am not attracted to boys and i am not fond of the colour pink but that is more because i am a very shy person and don't like to stand out much, preferring to blend in. But neither am i very masculine:
i hate sports, i don't identify with most boys i know as i feel they are little more than personifications of testosterone. I don't like strength or power which are generally associated with males. I dislike having power of any kind, it worries me because i think too much power is dangerous especially the physical kind.
I think my inner self is probably more of a tomboy, who will wear a t-shirt and jeans as often as something "girly". Maybe this means i'm not really transgender and maybe i just want the freedom to be a little more feminine without feeling like its inapproriate. I just wish i could make up my mind one way or another and live my life.
What does everyone think?
deleted 26-30 4 Responses 1 Jan 14, 2011