Not Quite Sure

I am not exactly sure what to think about my gender identity. I mean I have always had at least a mild desire to be female, sometimes an irresistable urge. but on the other hand i hold no hatred towards my male gender and feel if i had to i could probably live happy as i am. I was just interested in hearing other's opinions on my situation.

My earliest memory about gender confusion is when i was about 6 i asked my sister if she ever thought about what it would be like as a boy. She didn't but even then i had started to be curious. I also remember a period of a few months where my desire to be a girl was so bad i would nearly cry myself to sleep as i prayed with all my might to experience even one day as a girl. After nothing happened i decided to give up and accept myself as male and i was fine until around puberty.

When i was about 12 i became interested in my sisters clothes. Maybe it was because i wasn't allowed or maybe something more but something in me want to wear feminine clothing. Thus began a few months of very secretive sessions of wearing high heels, bras, panties and make up. After a few very close calls i finally decided to give this up as well, though i think the main reason was because i think i believed that i could never be who i wanted to be and that the crossdressing was just a tease of the unobtainable. I pushed it all to the back of my mind and continued on my "normal life"

I was also around this time i suspected i might be asexual as well. I have no desire to have sex, i can get aroused by fantasy, primarily men being turned into women but i feel no desire to actually have sex with anyone in real life. Maybe this is just my mind telling me i won't enjoy sex as a male so why bother?

Another cause of concern is that now that i am 20, overweight and don't keep care of myself properly i know i can never become who i want to be. Also i don't have desire to suddenly jump into skirts, flirt giggle about boys and fuss endlessly over make up.
i don't sound like a typical girl. I am not emotional, i don't love shopping, I am not attracted to boys and i am not fond of the colour pink but that is more because i am a very shy person and don't like to stand out much, preferring to blend in. But neither am i very masculine:
i hate sports, i don't identify with most boys i know as i feel they are little more than personifications of testosterone. I don't like strength or power which are generally associated with males. I dislike having power of any kind, it worries me because i think too much power is dangerous especially the physical kind.
I think my inner self is probably more of a tomboy, who will wear a t-shirt and jeans as often as something "girly". Maybe this means i'm not really transgender and maybe i just want the freedom to be a little more feminine without feeling like its inapproriate. I just wish i could make up my mind one way or another and live my life.

What does everyone think?
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4 Responses Jan 14, 2011

Ditto what they said.

Have a lot of the same feelings about this, thus making it ultra confusing.

You're not different. That's how everyone is programmed to be, human. Not male, not female. It's just the expectation community has of males- and females, and people have learned to fit into them and except them without question. Most men completely stifle the inner feminine side of them at an early age so that it never comes up again. The standards of masculinity are higher in the US than any other country and are getting even higher as gay rights and feminism progress.

Don't be ashamed of yourself. You are not alone in this. I wanted so bad to become a girl I cried myself to sleep many times. I like sex with girls, and with guys. Once, after a particularly heavy session with a woman, she asked me "is there any part of my body you are afraid of?" I honestly said no. She was what I wanted to be. I once had a male lover ask me the same question, and again I answered no.<br />
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Most days I am happy being male, and then there are times I want very badly to be a woman. I just accept myself as I am, and don't worry about it. I like women for relationships, and men for raw passionate sex.. Sometimes that gets reversed, and I just accept it.<br />
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Your feelings are not inappropriate. THey are part of someone who has an extremely open mind, and is able to see life and living from both perspectives. Enjoy this, and become comfortable with your own feelings. Don't be afraid of yourself, but enjoy it. If you feel like kicking back in nylons and heels, do it. I'm in my 60's and still enjoy wearing nice frilly panties.