First Time To Confess This...
I've always felt to some extent like I wasn't fully female - or like I wasn't satisfactorily one.
It's stupid, because physically there is no question that I am of the female sex. But as a child, I had differences (and who hasn't had differences? after all there's no such thing as the perfect stereotype). I loved dresses and feminine things of the sort as a young girl, because it was always something I connected with my parents showering affection on me, doing my hair, etc. I continue to take pleasure in looking cute - or being 'beautiful'.
But for me, it's a question of gender roles and such that causes me confusion.
I feel like I could basically put it this way, best -- I feel like less of a straight woman and more like a gay man.
I mean, what a ridiculous thing to say, right? "If you're a woman and like men..." but it's more complicated than that.
I have a very aggressive, masculine personality. I don't connect with women in the sense that I don't tend towards emotional outburts and crying fits. I hide my feelings and act tough. I have always been sensitive inside, though, but I don't express that in the way that I think women are typically expected to express it. I don't like to stir up drama - and don't. I get over things quickly, I don't dwell on them. So if there's a fight, I get it resolved, and then it's over - I move on. I don't like to have to leave things unsaid either. Too straightforward. So for that reason, I not only don't like to gossip, I don't even understand the motivations behind it; am notoriously blunt. I am ambitious, and brash; I know what I want, I do what I have to to get it, and am a leader in groups, because of my attitude and charisma both. I am very physical; and not just in the sense of "huggy", but just that I like to feel things and bond quickly over physical activity. Further, I am a highly sexual person - I had my first sexual dream in third grade - and have always been very advanced in my knowledge of that sort of thing, compared to other female peers, for sure.
It's not that these things are impossible for a woman, but they're not expected in our society, anyway. If it was just an issue of gender role expectations, I wouldn't care so much. But, when I look back at my childhood, even then I remember myself longing to be a guy. I would always think things like, "If I were a guy, we'd probably be best friends", and "We think exactly on the same wavelength". But because I'm not a guy, I could never have the kind of intimacy that a guy does with his guy friends. It doesn't matter, even if I did act like a tomboy, the fact would stillr remain that I would be perceived through the glasses of gender perceptions, and that quite honestly, I think those guys' reactions would have been somewhat - I guess upset, or at least not positive, to a girl who behaved like they did, openly.
For a while, I wondered if this meant that I was lesbian - but I realized quickly that even though I felt so much more closer to a male in my personality, and in my self, it didn't mean that I was attracted to women. I then tried to grapple with the idea, wondering if it was that I was so very much attracted to men that I actually wanted to be one. But at the same time, that didn't explain why I have always been so attracted to the image of homosexuality - until I started looking into my fantasies and realized how much I imagine myself in the role of a man - and not with a woman, but with another man - and not as a 'dominant man', but even as a submissive man.
Anyway, I've never written these thoughts down before, and it feels really... really relieving somehow.