First Time To Confess This...

I've always felt to some extent like I wasn't fully female - or like I wasn't satisfactorily one.

It's stupid, because physically there is no question that I am of the female sex. But as a child, I had differences (and who hasn't had differences? after all there's no such thing as the perfect stereotype). I loved dresses and feminine things of the sort as a young girl, because it was always something I connected with my parents showering affection on me, doing my hair, etc. I continue to take pleasure in looking cute - or being 'beautiful'.

But for me, it's a question of gender roles and such that causes me confusion.

I feel like I could basically put it this way, best -- I feel like less of a straight woman and more like a gay man.

I mean, what a ridiculous thing to say, right? "If you're a woman and like men..." but it's more complicated than that.

I have a very aggressive, masculine personality. I don't connect with women in the sense that I don't tend towards emotional outburts and crying fits. I hide my feelings and act tough. I have always been sensitive inside, though, but I don't express that in the way that I think women are typically expected to express it. I don't like to stir up drama - and don't. I get over things quickly, I don't dwell on them. So if there's a fight, I get it resolved, and then it's over - I move on. I don't like to have to leave things unsaid either. Too straightforward. So for that reason, I not only don't like to gossip, I don't even understand the motivations behind it; am notoriously blunt. I am ambitious, and brash; I know what I want, I do what I have to to get it, and am a leader in groups, because of my attitude and charisma both. I am very physical; and not just in the sense of "huggy", but just that I like to feel things and bond quickly over physical activity. Further, I am a highly sexual person - I had my first sexual dream in third grade - and have always been very advanced in my knowledge of that sort of thing, compared to other female peers, for sure.

It's not that these things are impossible for a woman, but they're not expected in our society, anyway. If it was just an issue of gender role expectations, I wouldn't care so much. But, when I look back at my childhood, even then I remember myself longing to be a guy. I would always think things like, "If I were a guy, we'd probably be best friends", and "We think exactly on the same wavelength". But because I'm not a guy, I could never have the kind of intimacy that a guy does with his guy friends. It doesn't matter, even if I did act like a tomboy, the fact would stillr remain that I would be perceived through the glasses of gender perceptions, and that quite honestly, I think those guys' reactions would have been somewhat - I guess upset, or at least not positive, to a girl who behaved like they did, openly.

For a while, I wondered if this meant that I was lesbian - but I realized quickly that even though I felt so much more closer to a male in my personality, and in my self, it didn't mean that I was attracted to women. I then tried to grapple with the idea, wondering if it was that I was so very much attracted to men that I actually wanted to be one. But at the same time, that didn't explain why I have always been so attracted to the image of homosexuality - until I started looking into my fantasies and realized how much I imagine myself in the role of a man - and not with a woman, but with another man - and not as a 'dominant man', but even as a submissive man.

Anyway, I've never written these thoughts down before, and it feels really... really relieving somehow.

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6 Responses Feb 27, 2008

I see that this is an old post of yours but your words are exactly like mine. By this I mean nearly every word you've typed and shared I can relate to, or better yet: it's like you read my diary and copied my thoughts word for word. I'm of the female sex too and really I'm still lost on "who" or "what"(??) I am.

This.. This is almost exactly how I feel, only explained so much better than I could have.

I just did a google search, looking for someone who might understand my own confusion. This is the first thing I got. It is SO completely similar to what I am feeling. Except I'm a boy. I have the same inclination. I am entirely happy to have read this, and relieved that someone else feels the same as I do. Thank you for having shared this.

I understand where you are coming from but I am the other way around, I was born male but have always felt like I was a woman I used to wear my mums clothes there was a girl my age next door we were very close friends, always used to go round there and play dress up, <br />
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Back then I didn't realise I was different, I remember having a dream about the head teachers daughter when I was about 8, back then I thought all women have penises obviously I realised that wasn't the case, my family don't no how I feel and wouldn't understand, but I plan on becoming who I was always meant to be in the near future <br />
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I hope soon that you can be who you are and lead a happy life<br />
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p.s I see what you mean letting it out is relieving

To all: I went through all the feelings that you have shared and it was not until i was 30 that I found out there were others like me. I am not going to diagnose anyone but if you feel as you have written, you should read stories about gender dysphoria or transgender. I found that I was only one of about 3 million people that feel like this and there is joy in this journey.

I relate to this but I'm the other way I'm male but I feel like lesbian