Mind Over Body

Physically I'm a woman, but I've never wanted to be. I hated at the inception of puberty the appearance of the first inconvenient badges of womanhood, and I felt a little punch in my stomach every time I went up a bra size. I didn't want breasts, and still don't. I don't feel like I belong in the female gender, unable to understand my sister's overemotional crushes and my mother's primping in front of the mirror before she goes out, even if it's just to shop. I don't wear make-up or girly colours or dresses or skirts as they make me feel foolish and awkward. I spent my school years bored with the inanity of the gossip of other girls.

On the other hand, I wasn't sure that entirely my "inner sex" was male either. I'm not interested in sports (did a stint of martial arts though), I'm asexual so the grubby male culture of boasting about sexual exploits is alien, and there are other things too. I feel like I'm a weird third gender between male and female, and I can't slot into any role.

There's a character in Haruki Murakami's "Kafka on the Shore" who is biologically female, yet firmly states that he is a gay man because he is attracted to men but male on the inside, so his gender is more important than what nature decided to squash him into. I think that could be a tag I can co-opt for myself, for lack of better description. But it can be quite alienating not to be like everyone else. I don't really know where I belong.

mousealinari mousealinari
6 Responses May 12, 2008

You are Third Gender, you have 2 gender identities. You have to try to find a balance between them, yin yang. I've found that personally, my male is all logic, and my female is all emotion. Figure out what your types are, realize both persona's need attention and care, and be comfortable with who you are. If you need to talk about it more, I'm here to listen. I know it can be confusing.

Yes, that's exactly how I feel too. I hated the gossip and tedious need for shopping in groups that many women have, but I also dislike sports strongly and have no interest in sexual exploits, which many men seem to like. Like the character in that novel, I also identify as a gay man in a female's body.

i identifiy as 3rd gender and yes it is confusing at times and more so for those who know me. there are cultues, i think in central america, that have as many as 6 different genders!

They have accepted the culturally defined concepts/roles that their culture has provided ..... they are thoroughly conditioned/brainwashed ..... I doubt their is true gender confusion here ...... you're just more aware ....... think for yourself ...... not willing to play the "roles" expected of you

i read that book too, i really liked it<br />
i feel that way too, i don't see myself as a woman but not enough boyish to be a guy, it's weird<br />
i don't like men sports and other male stuffs but i'm sure there is a man part in me

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