So I Am Really Confused Right Now

I was born female but I think my mind has always been male. I had a lot of the typical signs, when was young I hated dresses, hated barbies, my favourite toy as a child was my three headed robotic dragon, I would be the only girl invited to boys birthday parties cause I was one of them. I used to have only guy friends and then puberty hit and suddenly things changed. Thats when I started getting depressed but I didn't really know why. I didn't feel as comfortable with the boys anymore and started hangin out with the girls and slowly tried to force myself to act my girly. After a few years when all my friends were getting boyfriends they started to notice I wasn't interested so I decided to get one just so they'd leave me alone. I just really didn't want to stand out.
So I went out with guys and it was a good way to hide but at the same time was somehow really uncomfortable. I did find girls attractive but didn't want to do anything about it because I was so afraid to draw attention to myself. I knew I was different but I had no idea how.
I still don't know what I am.
I relate to the term female to male transgender but I am currently terrified of the idea of having to alter myself physically to be happy. I mean if I could click my fingers and be male I would but it's not that simple. I feel like I'm torn between my body and my mind. Because my body is perfectly healthy, there is something so sad to me about the idea of having to cut it up. And my brain is just doing what it thinks it's supposed to.
Right now I'm looking at the idea of being 'Genderqueer' or like identifying as a third gender. But a lot of my problems do seem to stem from my dislike of my physical female body so I don't know if acting like a masculine female will be enough for me.
I don't even feel female now like I have to remind myself that I am. When I'm not thinking about it specifically I'm neither male nor female I'm neutral and I often get caught off guard and kind of freaked out when people draw my attention to my gender.
Anyway that's where I am now. I want to speak to my friends about it but coming out as 'trans' and getting everything that comes with that term is a big deal and I don't want to take it lightly. So I'm trying to figure stuff out on here a bit first.
AdamAnt154 AdamAnt154
1 Response May 14, 2012

i really feel the same way. i came out as bisexual at first in high school and dated only a couple of guys then i came out as full on lesbian. i never had the problem of not trying to draw attention to myself. i was already in an alternative subculture so i was a little more free to be who i was. mom most definitely pushed the whole being a girl thing on me. i was always uncomfortable with my gender identity and she made me feel ashamed to be masculine even though it was so much more comfortable for me. <br />
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this was in the 90s and maybe i didn't really get the idea of being transgendered. mtf seems to have it a lot easier when it comes to the surgery, maybe that isn't fair to say, i am sure it's not easy but i mean mechanically the surgeries just aren't as effective for ftm. like you, i wish i could snap my finger or start my life over again as male. i want to believe in reincarnation with the hope of getting another chance at happiness.<br />
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i am slowly starting to put things together. i was a huge tomboy growing up. boys started treating me differently when my boobs started to come in. they didn't want to tackle me anymore in football. or they would try to grope me. i was so active before puberty. super skinny. super tanned because i was outside all the time. i played and played. then middle school...grades dropped. no more sports. started smoking. started drinking. got depressed. attempted suicide but i didn't really know why. i still don't. i stayed depressed. later in life the suicide stuff i could pinpoint the reasons better. now here i am in my 30s, pretty overweight, still unhappy and lonely. i never felt like i fit in with lesbians. i don't know if i am ftm. i am still trying to figure it out. it's so confusing for me.<br />
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btw, i like your username!