Stuck In the Middle
I was born and raised as a female, but have never felt comfortable in my body. As a little kid I fought against every "girlie" thing my parents made me wear or use. I hated dolls and dresses and lacy socks and girl's bikes and girl's tennis shoes. I wanted to play with the boys and that wasn't acceptable--not to the boys and not to my parents.
I played the game. I got married to a man and had 2 children whom I absolutely adore. I've had the life many females want-the whole white picket fence suburban dream. The only thing is that I've never been happy in it. Now my children are off to college and I am left trying to figure out who I really am and how I really fit into this world.
I've never felt like a girl or a woman--not even when I was giving birth. But I feel too feminized to be a man. I am sexually attracted to both sexes, but when I am with a man I feel like a gay man, not a woman.
I hate my body. I had a complete hysterectomy a while ago and thought that would help my feelings. Now I just feel like it wasn't enough. I hate having breasts. I work with cancer patients and actually envy the females who have had mastectomies. But I wonder, if the hysterectomy wasn't enough, would a mastectomy be enough? What would be enough to make me feel like the body I'm living in is really mine and fits me? Would I have to go the whole nine yards and have SRS? Hormone treatments? What would it take for me to feel at home in this body? My worst fear is that nothing will ever be enough because nothing will make my body into the male body it should be. How do I find peace with that?
That is the question I am struggling with: How do I find peace with the fact that I will never have the male body I should have been born with and how do I make peace with the one I have? How do I live so that I am living with integrity in regards to my gender?