I Might Be The Most Gender Confused Person EverAnd I say this for so many reasons.
Let start with a simple one.
I believe myself to be androgynous. I feel androgynous, I act androgynous, hell, far as I know I think androgynous. That is honestly the best gender word that I can find that fits me. And yet, sometimes, I'm afraid I'm just using it because I'm to scared to come out and say, I'm trans. And at the same time, I think, no. I really do feel androgynous.
It's kinda hard to explain, honestly. But I'll try my best.
So, to start, let's just lay out the simple facts, and string togther my story from there. For one, as I said before, I feel as if I am androgynous. I also feel as if I am transgendered. Here's why; I was born as a female. However, I don't feel correct the way I am. I feel incomplete, like I should be physically male. This feeling is supported by the fact that, while I can get aroused, anytime I try to do something about it, it's gone. Completely. And just in general, I feel like I'm... lacking... something.
And yet also, I don't feel mentally, completely male. I feel between genders, either, neither or both, whatever works for you. So, androgynous, right? I've told my friends I'm androgynous. They're fine with it, even though I don't think any of them really get it. I'm pretty sure they all still think of me as a girl. And I hate it. I detest being seen as a girl, being thought of as a girl, anything associating me as female. Anything. I absolutely ******* hate it. And that's where I get really confused. Because, really, I don't have a problem with it. I see myself as partially female. But I absolutely hate it when my friends think of me as a girl.
I do, occasionally cross-dress. And honestly, I get so happy when people take me for a guy. Any time anyone, internet friend, random person on the street, or whoever, references me as a guy, or thinks of me as male, it makes me so happy. And then, half the time, my friends are there and they all giggle and the person realizes their 'mistake', and it'll all gone. But it doesn't change the fact that, for those two seconds, they thought 'he' and not 'she'.
I'm still to scared to really come out to them. I don't really know why. I know they'll still love me, still care about me. But I'm so scared, I just can't. Part of me knows that they don't get it. Or some of them don't. There's a few out trans people who we know in our group, and no one really gets it.
One of my best friends, she was talking about one of her co-workers, a mtf trans. She said, "He's so pretty, it's such a shame he's getting a sex change." I tried to tell her, well you know, he is really a she. They're trans. She didn't get it. At all. In her mind, it's your physical body that gives you gender, and gender won't change or be different unless you change. I guess, realizing that, is part of the reason I don't come out. I don't think it'll make any difference in their minds.
So here I am, running through my head, "What the hell kind of gender am I?" Honestly, I hate gender categories. None of them fit me, or you could see it as, all of them fit me. So, I really don't know what to call myself. Am I an ftm trans? I hate being thought of as a girl, and I get irrationally happy when people think of me as male. I am only asexual as long as I am stuck with female parts. Or am I androgynous? I see and think myself between gender categories, [happily] stuck between the middle.
But what if I'm just using androgynous as a way of half-assing my coming out? What if I'm just hiding from myself? Or maybe, I am a girl. Maybe I've ****** up my head somehow, and think I'm a guy when I'm not. And I'm just using androgynous to explain the feminine side that I DO have.
It's all to complicated and convoluted. I have no one to sort it out with. And yet I will continue, as I always have, and keep trudging forward, waiting with bated breath, until I can finally figure out who I really, truly am, and then share it with all my friends, and hopefully, family as well.
(One of my dreams is to move to Sweden. And sometimes, I think having an ocean separating me from all of them might make a lot of things easier.)
Iladra 16-17 4 Responses 2 Dec 24, 2012