I Might Be The Most Gender Confused Person Ever

And I say this for so many reasons.
Let start with a simple one.
I believe myself to be androgynous. I feel androgynous, I act androgynous, hell, far as I know I think androgynous. That is honestly the best gender word that I can find that fits me. And yet, sometimes, I'm afraid I'm just using it because I'm to scared to come out and say, I'm trans. And at the same time, I think, no. I really do feel androgynous.
It's kinda hard to explain, honestly. But I'll try my best.

So, to start, let's just lay out the simple facts, and string togther my story from there. For one, as I said before, I feel as if I am androgynous. I also feel as if I am transgendered. Here's why; I was born as a female. However, I don't feel correct the way I am. I feel incomplete, like I should be physically male. This feeling is supported by the fact that, while I can get aroused, anytime I try to do something about it, it's gone. Completely. And just in general, I feel like I'm... lacking... something.
And yet also, I don't feel mentally, completely male. I feel between genders, either, neither or both, whatever works for you. So, androgynous, right? I've told my friends I'm androgynous. They're fine with it, even though I don't think any of them really get it. I'm pretty sure they all still think of me as a girl. And I hate it. I detest being seen as a girl, being thought of as a girl, anything associating me as female. Anything. I absolutely ******* hate it. And that's where I get really confused. Because, really, I don't have a problem with it. I see myself as partially female. But I absolutely hate it when my friends think of me as a girl.
I do, occasionally cross-dress. And honestly, I get so happy when people take me for a guy. Any time anyone, internet friend, random person on the street, or whoever, references me as a guy, or thinks of me as male, it makes me so happy. And then, half the time, my friends are there and they all giggle and the person realizes their 'mistake', and it'll all gone. But it doesn't change the fact that, for those two seconds, they thought 'he' and not 'she'.
I'm still to scared to really come out to them. I don't really know why. I know they'll still love me, still care about me. But I'm so scared, I just can't. Part of me knows that they don't get it. Or some of them don't. There's a few out trans people who we know in our group, and no one really gets it.
One of my best friends, she was talking about one of her co-workers, a mtf trans. She said, "He's so pretty, it's such a shame he's getting a sex change." I tried to tell her, well you know, he is really a she. They're trans. She didn't get it. At all. In her mind, it's your physical body that gives you gender, and gender won't change or be different unless you change. I guess, realizing that, is part of the reason I don't come out. I don't think it'll make any difference in their minds.

So here I am, running through my head, "What the hell kind of gender am I?" Honestly, I hate gender categories. None of them fit me, or you could see it as, all of them fit me. So, I really don't know what to call myself. Am I an ftm trans? I hate being thought of as a girl, and I get irrationally happy when people think of me as male. I am only asexual as long as I am stuck with female parts. Or am I androgynous? I see and think myself between gender categories, [happily] stuck between the middle.
But what if I'm just using androgynous as a way of half-assing my coming out? What if I'm just hiding from myself? Or maybe, I am a girl. Maybe I've ****** up my head somehow, and think I'm a guy when I'm not. And I'm just using androgynous to explain the feminine side that I DO have.
It's all to complicated and convoluted. I have no one to sort it out with. And yet I will continue, as I always have, and keep trudging forward, waiting with bated breath, until I can finally figure out who I really, truly am, and then share it with all my friends, and hopefully, family as well.
(One of my dreams is to move to Sweden. And sometimes, I think having an ocean separating me from all of them might make a lot of things easier.)
Iladra Iladra
4 Responses Dec 24, 2012

lacking 'something' is not an indicator of being trans. do you know that some men (to be precise - one third) after amputation of genitals don't have phantom experiences? i suppose it works the other way round too

im andro too, i know just how u feel but there are thesse ppl who change their gender daily depending on wat mood theyre in, sometimes thyey feel more female on one day but the nxt theyre more male- if ur gonna do sumthin like this ull need a new group of friends n its best if theyre not in ur home town coz if u cross ur normal mates n ur posing as a guy n ur other mates tell them ur a girl itll b very AWKWARD n ull hurt sum pll, loose a lot of friends n be labelled in such a way ppl wont talk to u.
so jus b careful bout wat u do n how u do it. ur also a simila age to me so im not sure hw gd ur relationship wiv ur parents is but if its not superbly tight, dont tell them it cud ruin ur relationship - this all sounds relly negative but by doin this u cud seriously find out if u had GID or sumthin plus these new friends u make mite understand ur view point betta - i hate ppl callin me a girl too!

I absolutely agree with you! I feel male on some days and female on some days too!

I posted that ages ago. I came out trans, they're ok with it. I have new friends and stuff. Im still confused though. I've figured though, that the female, sometimes male thing is dysphoria. Some days you're comfortable with who you are. Other days you cant stand it. It drives me crazy. And I it happens on an hourly basis now :/ ...if U wanna talk im always here :D

I know how you feel. I am biologically a female, but mentally I don't feel completely female. Neither do I feel completely male. I guess I just feel in between. There are days where I feel more female than male, and then there are days when I feel more male than female, and that confuses me. The closest thing I have ever come to understanding this about myself is that I still like guys, so I'll identify as a gay man in a woman's body.

By the way, one of my dreams is to move to Sweden too :)

I think of myself as "androgyne". Other people call basically the same thing "genderqueer".

*shrug* I'm physically female, but I feel somewhere in between being male and female. I look and act like it too.