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Not Entirely Sure What I Am

Biologically, I am a female. Sometimes I feel like one, other times I feel like a male, then there are times where I feel like both and times where I feel like neither. As my face is quite masculine, I could never pull off the feminine look very well, or at least not as well as my female friends could. Because of this, I've always wished I was taller so that I could at least look more masculine.

Unfortunately, I'm both short and petite, and even though I have the ideal body for really cute girly clothes, I prefer to wear baggy clothes that are too big for me because I felt better in them. However, I don't hate girly clothes either, and I don't mind wearing a skirt or a dress, or putting on makeup (although it is quite tedious).

Although I have more female friends than male friends, I identify stronger with my male friends. I just never understood the gossip-nature of females, and I hate shopping with my female friends, simply because they took too long to look for clothes that I'm not interested in (and the gossip). If I went shopping with my male friends (or my tomboy friend), it was fun and relaxed. That's usually why I prefer to shop by myself.

When I think about relationships, I don't see myself as a woman, but more like a gay man in a woman's body. I don't want to be protected by a guy or have him treat me like a woman. But the funny thing is, I'm not attracted to the "masculine" males - the ones with the muscles and abs and whatnot. I prefer men who are on the lean side and care about how they look and as long as they're not more feminine than me, I'm okay. Is this weird? I feel it is.

The thing that confuses me most is that I'm a female, yet I want to be a somewhat effeminate male. I want to be the lean guy with the nice clothes and good fashion sense and nice hair cut, but I don't want the facial hair that comes with being a male. I basically want to be the man I'd date. This is so confusing.

I don't hate being a female, and I don't want the surgery to become a male. But basically, I really just feel like I am a mashup of both genders.

Has anyone been in the same situation and can someone shed some light on why I think the way I do? Thanks in advance.
rollingbuffalo rollingbuffalo 18-21 5 Responses Jan 1, 2013

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Hey I am relaly glad I found this. I feel this way too! Thank you for sharing!!!

I am pretty postivite I like men though...I don't like it when they treat me like I am very feminine. But the guys I like I love to be with. Do you think they know how I feel? I act very gender neutral around them/he does bring out a feminine side in me. But do you think he would be weirded out/am I hiding something from him by not telling him I feel this way?
My feelings change a lot towards this...I don't want to change who I am though. I like me. And yet, I don't want to NOT be viewed as a girl..I don't know.
And on another note, I can't imagine being a mom. I feel like this feeling of my gender could present problems in the future. But I don't know. I am really glad that I am not the only one who feels like this.

I'm so sorry for the super late reply! I definitely know you feel - I don't want to change either, I like me, and I don't think I am completely male or completely female. After looking into things for a while, I think I'm identifying as genderqueer.

Regarding telling him and him being weirded out or not, that is difficult to say. I have yet to tell anyone I feel this way and I do feel like I'm hiding things from them sometimes, but for me, the time isn't right to tell them. So I think perhaps you should wait until you feel comfortable about this, and then you may tell him (or not, it's your call).

I'm glad my story helped you somewhat, thank you for responding :)

I'm so glad someone else feels the way I do! Feeling crazy over here..

I'm glad this story helped you! If you want to talk, I'm here :)

That's exactly how I am! I feel like both genders and have absolutely no desire to switch and occasionally I don't feel like either. I don't even like putting a label on it as I don't like to fall specifically into either gender barrier, and honestly I wish I could be an effeminate male (albeit I would like to keep my bust and hips, so I suppose it's not entirely the same). And while I do like masculine males, there is something to be said about the leaner ones. To be honest, I've always had this fantasy of being able to carry a male bridal style. Same with a girl too, but that's just me. :)

Yes, exactly! I don't want to be labelled as either feminine or masculine too. Carry a guy bridal style? That's cool! I would love to see it happen. :)

You sound almost exactly like me!!! Wow, I just signed up on here and yours is only the second I read. I'm so surprised to find someone so similar to me on here so fast!

Yay! You have no idea how happy it makes me to find someone similar to me!! It really makes the experience less daunting, knowing you're not alone :)

Don't worry about if it's weird. worry about if it feels right to you. everything else is icing

Thanks! I guess it shouldn't really matter what people think is weird, as long as it feels right.