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Confused Rant

So... I honestly don't know how to say this but I kind of need to say something somewhere just to keep my sanity intact.
I looked in the mirror a few months ago and thought something along the lines of: "I'm not a girl." Then, "Oh." Again, "Oh..." And last, "Wtf??? never mind." Then I ignored it and went to bed. I've figured out I'm bi, no more confusion, right?
Yeah. Good luck with that.

That method worked for a few more days, until I went and got it into my head that I wanted to read my diary from when I was a kid. It's really old, actually- kindergarten through grade six. I wrote EVERYTHING in there, it's actually really weird. Turns out I forgot a lot of stuff. Like, how I wanted to be a boy in the fourth and fifth grades... Like, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?? I had thought the other day was totally random. It turns out I was apparently hyper-feminine until this year as compensation for actually wanting to be male... If you don't get it, think of the stereotypical confused gay boy who gets a million girlfriends and sleeps around to delude himself into thinking he likes girls. It's a similar situation and probably just as effective.

This explains a lot, to be honest, so I shouldn't really be surprised. I still don't like it at all, though- I mean, DIDN'T I JUST STOP BEING CONFUSED? Why does this have to happen again, especially with gender confusion of all things?

It's become a mounting obsession. I look in the mirror and literally don't recognize myself, because I don't expect to see a girl anymore. I legitimately expect to see a boy.
I've gotten so dysphoric it isn't even funny, but I make jokes about it anyway (don't I always?)

You know how pre-teen girls write their name with their crush's surname over and over? I'm kind of like that now, in the way that I try signing boy's names over and over. Anything more manly than Abigail...
You know how REALLY lame pre-teen girls stuff their bras to see what they'll look like? Well, I have an equivalent for that, too- I bind my chest with Ace bandages and sliced up tights.
I can't breath and it hurts like hell. People permanently scar and disfigure themselves doing this, but... It looks right, you know? I feel less like a freak. Which definitely makes me an actual freak in everyone else's eyes, I know.

I spend too much time reading FTM websites and blogs. I think about whether I'd want surgery and hormone injections all the time, and I cried- like a ******* girl- because I found out that if I'd said something when I was little, they could have put me on blockers and I would have had time to THINK before I grew up and... Ugh.
An Ep User An EP User Jan 17, 2013

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