Dizzy Question

I’ve  never thought of myself as of person who has a gender/

Really I don’t know what gender I have. And so I’ve decided  I ‘m a person of no gender. I’m just out of all this limits and prefer not trying to fit into them.

I really detest my body – I stand nude in front of the bathroom mirror and I feel as if I should vomit up. I hate  hate hate these breasts – they are so huge. I think a lot of girls would be TOTALLY happy to have such ugly fat bags (as I see them) growing from their chest. If  I could zip them  off and present somebody in need…

Of course, if I  take my passport   all my illusions concerning my having no gender will disappear at once.

Returning to the breasts - I ‘d love being as flat as possible. Mama says I shouldn’t hate all this ‘cos this dream may come true – I could have breast cancer and they will cut them off.

I’d prefer to have no signs of gender – neither female or male –including all that is between legs.

But I should confess I would prefer to look like I boy rather than a girl, and…I don’t think I can be 100% male as society sees it.

But being a girl is unbearable. “She” , “her” addressed to me makes my teeth grind. Endings of verbs – I try to make  sentences somehow impersonal or passive (the second sounds extremely artificial). Even on different forums I use male endings of the verb (they appear only the the past tense and you couldn’t do without it) – I say I use “neutral verb endings”.

My nightmare is when somebody says “woman” – I feel I wanna kill! the person who said this.

I can’t understand my sister what concerns cosmetics – all this lipsticks, eyeshadows… I feel like an Indian warrior on the warpath.  It humiliates me somehow, makes me feel foolish as if I’m doing something what is wrong. When papa asks why I don’t want to wear a skirt  or that  low-necked blouse  I always ask him if HE could wear them and if he couldn’t why should I?

I’m asexual  - I mean I don’t want sex,  don’t want somebody to touch me, get close to me  -‘cos I’m ashamed of my body. Though i like girls - we kisses but didn't get further. And i feel relief

I feel  dizzy – I’m stuck in this question

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4 Responses Oct 23, 2009

I think being confused about your gender is very difficult. But you don't sound that confused, in fact to me you sound like you've got it already figured out, you're in the wrong body, i think. A-sexual and perhaps the wish to be androgyne?<br />
Good luck and thank you for sharing.

Hey i want to help you..To be honest I am pretty confused too...So you dont like to be a woman or dont like the way you look?

No man..Dont feel it as a problem...Just accept things how they are..

I'm sure there are many others that feel the same. I hate my body, Have for along time. Follow your heart if you don't want that sort of human contact then that's fine =).