Dizzy Question

I’ve  never thought of myself as of person who has a gender/

Really I don’t know what gender I have. And so I’ve decided  I ‘m a person of no gender. I’m just out of all this limits and prefer not trying to fit into them.

I really detest my body – I stand nude in front of the bathroom mirror and I feel as if I should vomit up. I hate  hate hate these breasts – they are so huge. I think a lot of girls would be TOTALLY happy to have such ugly fat bags (as I see them) growing from their chest. If  I could zip them  off and present somebody in need…

Of course, if I  take my passport   all my illusions concerning my having no gender will disappear at once.

Returning to the breasts - I ‘d love being as flat as possible. Mama says I shouldn’t hate all this ‘cos this dream may come true – I could have breast cancer and they will cut them off.

I’d prefer to have no signs of gender – neither female or male –including all that is between legs.

But I should confess I would prefer to look like I boy rather than a girl, and…I don’t think I can be 100% male as society sees it.

But being a girl is unbearable. “She” , “her” addressed to me makes my teeth grind. Endings of verbs – I try to make  sentences somehow impersonal or passive (the second sounds extremely artificial). Even on different forums I use male endings of the verb (they appear only the the past tense and you couldn’t do without it) – I say I use “neutral verb endings”.

My nightmare is when somebody says “woman” – I feel I wanna kill! the person who said this.

I can’t understand my sister what concerns cosmetics – all this lipsticks, eyeshadows… I feel like an Indian warrior on the warpath.  It humiliates me somehow, makes me feel foolish as if I’m doing something what is wrong. When papa asks why I don’t want to wear a skirt  or that  low-necked blouse  I always ask him if HE could wear them and if he couldn’t why should I?

I’m asexual  - I mean I don’t want sex,  don’t want somebody to touch me, get close to me  -‘cos I’m ashamed of my body. Though i like girls - we kisses but didn't get further. And i feel relief

I feel  dizzy – I’m stuck in this question