Opposites Detract- Please Advise

I have been married to my second husband for 2 1/2 years. We met on e-harmony and married 5 months to the day of our first date. At first it seemed that we were well matched and perfectly balanced. Nowadays it seems that what we thought was a good balance is actually completely incompatible. My husband is very structured. He finds freedom through strict routine, a spotless house and rigid authority over myself and my two children from a previous marriage. I am a free-spirit. I thrive on spontaneity. I'm not a pig but a litter clutter doesn't make me uncomfortable. My sons are good boys...they're also 14 and 12 years old. They roll their eyes a lot, they talk back and they love to bicker with each other. Usually they get along famously and they are very helpful...they just ***** along the way :o) We have a son together, he'll be one on Saturday. He's precious and light of ALL our lives. Unfortunately my husband treats the baby like like a king and the other two boys like nuisances. I am tired of my loyalty for my children being pitted against my loyalty to my husband. I love my husband as a person but in the last year our relationship has deteriorated to the point that I'm not quite sure what we're doing here. My husband has his own bedroom and the last time I tried to kiss him on the mouth he turned his head away. We haven't had sex since before Christmas. He says he wants to work on our friendship. I told him I had male friends before I met him and would like to work on our marriage. He didn't respond. I can't make this marriage work on my own and now I am afraid to initiate any kind of intimacy. There is no flirting, no flirtatious teasing, no holding hands...I feel awkward just brushing up against him in a tight space! Has anyone been here before and it worked? Has anyone been here before at all? Help! I'm so lonely!

ReddBrown ReddBrown
36-40, F
7 Responses Mar 4, 2008

I agree, eharmony is not the problem. The problem is that he does not respect you. He places all blame on you, and is not willing to work on anything. The issue with the spotless house, the concept of doing things 'his way', show a total loss of respect.<br />
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Considering his unwillingness to do anything to work on the marriage... it is over. He is as self centered as they come.<br />
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You don't deserve this.

Good point Itb. I will definately think long and hard before making and fast moves. I want to do the right thing. I do love this man and I know he loves me and we did make a commitment. I have done and will do anything in my power to make this thing work but I can't do it alone. If he steps to the plate as well, then we will be fine. The hard fact is that I will not be on this sight in the future saying that this has been our deal for the past twenty years. I'm really no patient enough for that.

Well, maybe you should work on the friendship. You have to rememeber when you bring a new life into the picture there is a lot of stress involved. take your time with him he is really stressed out. Talk to him at night before you go to bed. Express your love for him. Slowly but surely, he will move into a bedroom with you again and your love will grow for eachother... don't think negative. remember, this is your husband... the man you made vows with. You and him CAN make it work. I can some what relate to your situation because i have been there when my fiance moved into our son's bedroom and was angry about us not having a solid friendship.. let me know how it goes

Yeah, if he doesn't respect you, you need to bail.<br />
Ask him if he respects you....if you want to stay.<br />
I know we both don't want to be "two-time losers."

I have to say it......get out...I see no hope for happiness in this marriage.....he is a manipulator.....he will destroy you......"Run Forest, Run!"....he is a jerk.....I raised 2 stepchildren and to this day am close to both of them.

We've talked about everything. He admits that he can be a little harsh on the boys and that he tends to take their contributions and mine for granted. Then the next day the same story plays out. I've suggested couples therapy, he responded by telling me therapy is a great idea...for me. Now I go to therapy once a week and while I AM getting a lot out of it, we don't have insurance and we can't afford couples therapy as well. He really seems to believe with all of his heart that I am irresponsible and at fault for everything, because I am not like him. He rally believes that I will be a happier person if he could just teach me how to live life. I'm 35 years old, I managed to survive AND thrive for a couple years before he came along. He doesn't respect me and treats me like a child not a partner...if you get to know me you'll realize I'm not really game for that.

Oh, I have no problem with E-Harmony. That has nothing to do with your problem. Lots of people have great marriages from internet dating.<br />
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That problem is that your husband is having trouble with intimacy. You need to go for help soon. Ask him if he would like to be having more sex. Tell him that all your children are important to you and it makes you said to see that they are pitted against each other.<br />
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What have you said to him so far?