Confused And Scared About It

I was 19 when I met Professor E. I had a class with him and enjoyed his teaching style so much I tried to get him as a professor as much as possible. He was intensely smart, and it turned out he was funny, the same kind of funny as me, and I dawdled after class if I had time, and talked to him about almost anything. He was kind to me, and encouraged my schoolwork. Of course we flirted a little, but I was in a relationship and it would be completely unethical for a professor to date a student. When my boyfriend left me, he was one of the only people to support my efforts towards my Masters. He truly thought I had good things ahead of me and believed in me. I'd never really had anyone believe in me.

After a difficult period, about 4-years of on-and-off homelessness, he saw my picture in the paper and tracked me down. He already knew enough of my past for me to be humiliated, and he told me he couldn't believe this sort of thing happened to me, I had so much potential. He was flabbergasted that my grant was discontinued, which was what led to my homelessness. He was shocked that I couldn't find a job, but without funding to environmental and scientific research, there were no jobs for a marine biologist, and low level jobs don't want to hire educated people, because they assume there are jobs. I had to eat, so I prostituted myself. In desperation and depression I tried to kill myself. Seeing him was like a knife in my heart. It reminded me of a time where there were so many possibilities and so much promise for success, and then there was the way my life actually turned out.

He offered help, but I declined. He continued to see me, and we started to date. He's very understanding and gentle with me, and understands with my sexual history that I don't want to make our relationship physical yet. We've been together for 6 months so far. He wants me to move in with him, but I'm hesitant. I've been burned in relationships before, and I have commitment issues. Not that I'm scared of commitment... I'm scared that the other person won't commit. I wonder how much I could trust him. I question his intentions and motives. I'm so used to men having veiled intentions. He swears his intentions are pure, and he's never pushed me, but I'm always frightened he's going to hold something over my head or bail on me.
cephaloscotti cephaloscotti
26-30, F
1 Response May 8, 2012

I imagine it will take a long time for you to find enough trust for him, given the enormous shadows your past history has cast on you. I hope you do manage to find it, at some point, and that it works out for you both: you seem to have had more than your share of misery and distress already.