One Side Of The Story

You know when you think you have a great thing. Everything in life has been beautiful and easy going...except for that one conversation. But you've survived. You didn't know. Didn't realize. Until you wake up one morning, suddenly you are not in the same surrounding you were before. Everything is strange...unknown.

I realized this weekend after my boyfriend of 6 years made me feel like every day spent in that relationship was worthless in an argument we've had many times. He doesn't trust me, feels like I do not communicate with him, I am insensitive to his needs, he doubts this relationship. He screams, I cry and I beat myself blue trying to punish myself for the things he says I am. It makes him more angry. He tries to make me see what I did wrong, and just continues to break me down until I am beyond the point of return. He'll angrily declare that when I am done being angry, he will talk to me.

Something about this time though, it changed me.

I went searching for the change he requested. It was like I could feel myself locked away in a room, nothing but fear to overwhelm me. I can't communicate with him because if I say the wrong thing in the wrong order at the wrong time, I'm done for. I can't trust him with my emotions, because he says that all of my reasoning's are excuses. He does not trust me. It was as if I turned around and looked a demon right in the eye. Fear had consumed me, while anger consumed him, feeding off of us, breaking us apart. Two people who have loved each other for nearly 13 years.

I made a huge change in my life a few years back. I forgave the man who raped me and abused me. I let go of all that anger. Walking away from that day, I felt a change, because my anger no longer had a hold on me. Now before that, I would antagonize my boyfriend, looking for that sinfully delicious pain that satisfied the darkest need of my black soul.

Since then, there have been only a few instances were I actively searched for that pain. But he was never around to witness this. He still feels like I antagonize him. That I am untrustworthy. He says I am addicted to pain and that he is giving me what I need. But at the same time he says he doesn't like it.

I think he won't ever forgive me.

I have managed up until now to live through each episode. But this one is different. I see the fear, I feel it like a current on the outside of my skin. I want to wipe it away, but I know its only a matter of time before it happens again. I want him to prove I don't have to fear him. I want him to know I am truly sorry for all of the pain I brought to this relationship. I don't want this to end, but if it is necessary, for our happiness what choice do I have?

Writing this out, I see the relationship, while strong in so many fields, is falling apart where it counts. It sounds abusive....is it? If it happens once every three or four months? Yes. We are both hurting ourselves over eachother. But, there was one other thing I realized. I am responsible for me. ME. MY emotions. I do not have to hurt myself for him, because my intentions have been a misunderstood love. Men, don't they always think they know everything? Think they always have the right answer? They do. But there are times when they do not. I thought about walking, but I want to try one last option.

I've contacted a counselor for advice. Because, I feel he needs to talk some things out. He needs to make his issues known. Regardless of what I see, the beautiful man who captured my heart, its his choice to proceed I can not make him. I have treated this relationship like a marriage for many years now, even when I was severely depressed. So, I'm not walking just yet. If he chooses to go, and actively attend, then I hope it works. If he doesn't....the time ticks down. I just have to wonder if I'll be strong enough in the next fall out. Dang, I have issues.
calishay calishay
22-25, F
Sep 13, 2012