Scared Of Losing Him

Me and my partner have been together for 4 years now and like every relationship it has had it's up's and downs.
We met in college and he wasn't very intimate in the first couple of months and seemed almost unwilling to even kiss me goodnight after our dates together.

But as the relationship progressed his walls came down and things started going very well.
After about a year together i found out that he has aspergers syndrome, which i knew nothing about, but after a lot of research it explained about why he was not being intimate with me at first.

I was also suffering with my own mental health problems, i would self harm and take overdoses at every possible opportunity, and things started to become very strained as we were in the same drama group/ college so we did not have enough breathing space from each other.

After about two years together we very nearly split up, a lot had happened in that second year my nan died and he was not there for me emotionally so in a fit of despair and being very drunk i kissed his best friend.
Which he forgave me for, i still to this day regret doing such an awful thing to him.

When he decided that the relationship was better off dead i had recently begun taking anti depressants which made me worse, and i cant remember exactly what happened during that time i know that i was the worst time in my life, i missed him so much and i could not reach him through the conventional ways of contacting him as he made it impossible.

Anyway after about a month he eventually contacted me and we got back together on the understanding that no one knew about us, which i said i was fine with as i just wanted him back and wanted to make him happy.
So here we are two years later and i have tried to talk to him about maybe just telling his mum about us, but he says every time that he is not in the mood to talk about it, or can we discuss this later.

I have given him an ultimatum, that by the time we reach our 5 year anniversary he at least needs to tell his friends about me, or i will not be around for another 5 years. So i am confused about what is best to do, i love him fiercely more that i have loved any one, but at the same time i am left wondering if he sees a future with us, he has said to me on many occasions that he does not want marriage or children, at the present time i do understand because we are both 22 years old and the reason for him not wanting children is because he is afraid that the child would be like him or like me. So if anyone has any suggestions about how i could put this point across without him dismissing me again, would be greatly appreciated, i really am sinking with this problem. thanks for reading.
22-25, F
Dec 12, 2012