Where Does It Go From Here?

A little over 4 years ago I met my current girlfriend.  I had just separated from my wife 4 months earlier and quite frankly wasn't looking for a relationship.  She came into my life as a good friend.  I had a tough time coping with separation and she spent the night for weeks at a time.  She was going to college and her daughter (2 yrs old at the time) was staying with her parents till the fall, when she graduated.  One night of drinking some wine and she made a major move on me.  (okay so I'm a lightweight when it comes to alcohol)  Turns out, it was driving her nuts to sleep in the same bed with me and I never make a move on her.  Things progressed somewhat reluctantly on my part.  She moved back home after graduation to find work.  I ended up out of a job all of a sudden and moved back north where jobs were plenty.  Likewise, she couldn't get work in her newly acquired skill field in her home town and moved to FL.  We spoke on the phone and got webcams to keep in touch.  We really wanted to be together but neither wanted to move to the other.  After quite some time she moved up with me so we could figure a place we'd like to settle down for good.  During that time in the north we had some rough days.  Seems I discovered just how jealous she can be.  If I spoke to any female, jealousy would arise.  Well, if she was unattractive there was no problem.  Other things came up too.  Like the realization that she's very disorganized.  If there are things that need to be put away, she's more likely to put them in a ziploc bag or box and stash it away somewhere, never remembering where anything is.  I also discovered how she finds no problem living with filth.  I always thought her apartment was just very old, but it turns out she just didn't like to clean.  Her old habits from a previous boyfriend came into play also while I was reorganizing all our clothes.  Found a little jar of weed.  I knew of her past and had warned her that if I ever found it in our house I'd kick her out and report her to child services.  She claimed she forgot about the warning and said she had bought it, but never smoked it.  I backed off and warned her again.  Her past came roaring up again when I found out that she never expected our relationship to last since I didn't want kids and she's got a kid.  So she had married a foreign friend so he could live and work here legally.  When I informed her of the legal issues of that, she pursued divorce which only angered the man.  He's been causing problems with her credit ever since.  We have since moved back south in an attempt to settle down.  My job frequently requires me to be available during my personal time.  I don't like it, but it's tough finding another job in my field.  She holds this aspect of my work against me, as though I have a real choice in the matter.  We've had other issues here like her newly found passion.  She's been a member of gyms in the past, but this new one was different.  The employees were all bodybuilding competitors and trainers.  So of course one convinced her to train for competitions as well.  All of her time was devoted to going to the gym.  We spoke seldom and saw each other even less because of this gym and trainer.  We agreed that the stresses it was putting on the family were too much and after her competition, she would cut back to a more normal routine.  That didn't happen.  She continued going to the gym and resenting me for telling her that her own daughter wishes mommy would spend more time with her.  I snapped not too long ago and gave her an ultimatum.  Quit that gym or I'm gone.  She did, kind of.  She still goes once in a while, thinking I don't know about it.  There is always drama with this girl.  Back when she was in FL, her foreign husband stayed with her for a bit.  Went out drinking one night and rolled her car in a ditch.  She's been in at least two fender-benders.  Several speeding tickets.  Recently had a fathers day gift (BBQ grill) fall out the back of my pickup she was driving at 30mph because she was too proud to ask for help tying it down at the store.  Sliced her hand open doing dishes because she wasn't watching what she was doing.  Goes on and on.  There have always been little things that irritate me.  Like with laundry.  The girl will start a load one night.  That's it.  Till I find it mildewing later that week.  She hates doing laundry, but when I ask for some simple things when I do it, nope.  Don't turn all your socks and clothes inside out, clean your pockets out, etc.  It never happens.  Dishes pile up that she uses.  I don't like to clean up someone else's mess.  I don't make one, why should you?  When I try and mention anything like this, it turns into an arguement.  There has been a serious communication problem ever since we met.  She never likes to talk about her feelings.  She never would cry in front of me.  Like she was too tough to do that.   Through these past four years her feelings have obviously changed.  When we met she knew very well that I didn't want to get remarried and I didn't want to have kids.  She told me that she didn't think she'd ever want to get married either.  That has changed to her feeling that I'm "the one" and that she wants to get married.  She didn't push the issue too much, but it has caused a few arguements as well.  This latest incident feels like it's the last straw.  Soon after she stopped going to "the bad gym" she began eating huge amounts of food.  More than her daughter and I combined.  Seemed like she was a child rebelling.  Then complained about her waistline growing but, "at least my boobs look better".  Last sunday I was working again and got a phone call from her.  She was having a hard time thinking of something to say.  When I questioned, she said she had just done a test and she's pregnant.  Being inquisitive I asked, "How?  We rarely have sex anymore and you've got that Nuvaring, right?".  "Uhhh, my prescription ran out and I haven't been using it for a while now".   What!!!????  And you didn't tell me?!  I loved her response.  "I didn't think it was important".  Here we are merely a few days later.  She's arranged to have an abortion tomorrow morning.  At first it seemed like she was wanting me to talk her out of it.  Though it gave me the distinct feeling that she's been trying to trap me into marrying her.  Today during her lunch she's called and said that she wants me there for it, but afterwards we have to call our parents.  She seems upset and angry at herself for letting this all happen because she "didn't think it was important".  And she's also said that she wouldn't go through with this just to keep me around.  She wouldn't be able to do things that she wants to do, like go back to school amongst other things.  Stating that she'd also never be able to afford two children on her own.  Seems like she knows just how fed up I am. 

  So here I am.  Confused as ever.  On one hand, I feel like I'm being petty and overreacting to all this.  But on the other hand I feel as though my current desire to leave the relationship is not unwarranted.  The house that we recently bought is under her name.  So if I leave she won't be able afford the house on her own, and will likely lose it.  She could possibly lose her job as well since the daycare has more limited hours than her employer sets for her.  And of course there's a little girl (just turned 7) who's called me daddy for the past 4+ years.  I'm just so fed up with continued drama, arguements, laziness, and lack of communication.  Am I wrong for wanting to leave?  Am I just overreacting?  Has anyone got comments or advice for someone as messed up as me? 

ctguy ctguy
31-35, M
7 Responses Jul 26, 2007

It sounds to me like shes trying to change you

Ok so Im reading this story like 4 years after you wrote it, what happened? how did things turn out?

i think you should get out while you can.

Wow. You need to get out. She nees to grow up, and it seems she wants you to help her. But you can't. She needs to do it on her own. So, I'd say break up with her for both of you--it will be hard and difficult and painful. Be honest, patient and persevere! Things will be better eventually...but it might only take you a year to get over her, that's better than 5-10 years of pain WITH her. Good luck, and be strong.

You need to do what is right for you. After 4 years if she hadn't changed she never will. I know how ot is to feel that you can't do something because it could hurt someone else and you feel bad because she could lose her job and the house but in all honesty, if she wanted out would she have the same considerations for you? Maybe you leaving could be the kick she needs to change her ways to make the relationship work.

You seem to have snared yourself a girl-woman. She sounds like a disaster, and has some real maturity problems. To be honest, I'm not sure what can be done about trying to make her grow up. If you know any mature women (as in *emotionally* mature woman, not chronologically old :P) then I suggest you seek their input. It seems like she has some deep Issues that prevent her from growing up; wise women may know what needs to be done to rectify matters. You may well be able to improve things if you get to the bottom of these, and learn how to leverage her into more mature behaviour, but that seems like a short-term fix. I would also suggest that you are not hearing her actual messages in her behaviour. What she says is unlikely to be the real message that she is trying to convey to you, there's a deeper call for help going on here, or so it seems to me. Good luck.

ctguy, you are definitely not wrong for wanting to leave and certainly not overreacting. That of course is just my opinion, maybe someone else who is in your situation would be better to talk to. From a female's perspective it seems as if your girlfriend is taking you for granted and assumes you will put up with whatever she wants, not compromising. I wish you a lot of luck. If you need to talk, please write to me!