I don't know what to do about loving and really hating my boyfriend at the same time.

We are both very impulsive people who often rush into things but don't do anything half-heartedly such as our relationship (good and bad times).

This approach has actually worked well for me in life...I think my gut instinct is pretty damn accurate when it comes to making the right decisions and doing what is right for me and makes me happy in life.

I can't help but feel like I have gone against my gut a lot in this relationship.

Chris and I definitely rushed into our relationship. I was convinced I was madly in love with him and we could have a perfect life together very early on in our relationship. We shared freakishly similar goals and dreams in life and it always was/still is exciting to talk about our future. Our background is also quite similar, with similar religious/spiritual values.

We moved in together after a few months of us seeing each other seriously, when he helped me out of a tricky situation a friend of mine left me in with a tenancy on a flat. We were already inseparable at that point so it seemed natural to live together.

Very soon things started to go slightly downhill.
Chris would start to have serious trust issues and I found him going through my phone on a couple of occasions. I would ask him straight up if he had been going through my phone and he would lie to me until I would change my attitude and jokingly ask him until he would finally admit it. He would say things like 'It's not that I don't trust you, I just don't trust other guys'. I would tell him that he really upset me by not trusting me for no reason and not respecting me and my privacy. He was never very good at apologies and would somehow try to justify his actions until I would just stop talking to him, turn away from him and cry myself to sleep. He would just lay there silently. I would stay mad at him and eventually just forget about it.

Then he started accusing me of having slept with other guys saying 'did you sleep with someone yesterday?' out of the blue. Or he would wake up in the morning and ask if I will leave him for another guy. I was so frustrated because I had given him no reason not to trust me and searched long and hard about what I was doing wrong. I thought maybe it was was because we slept together very early on in the relationship? But then I felt rediculous justifying his insecurity and trust issues.

I started to resent him for making my loyalty to him feel so unappreciated. I would never had dreamt of being with anyone else.

Our arguments became increasingly frequent and more intense and mainly stemmed from his trust issues. I started to hate him and not trust him but I would never go through his phone to stoop to his level. I felt myself turn into someone paranoid and mistrusting...even jelous, which is the opposite of the happy and open person I usually am. He would go out after work and not contact me until late hours at night and i would sit at home the whole time picturing him with someone else. After all it turned out that he had two girls on the go on the day we met and he asked for my number.

Then he started talking about his ex-girlfirend. He would keep getting really excited everytime he heard her name and keep imagining that he saw her. Random girls with similar looks to her would remind him of her. I was really hurt and angry by this and told him that he should be honest with me if he is not over her and we could try and work through it together but he was in complete denial and never mentioned her again after that.

We had a heated drunk argument early on in the relationship, which got physical and he threatened that he would hurt me in another argument later on. Everytime this would happen, i would be convinced that I would leave him but couldn't because I loved him so much and because we would be stuck together bound by tenancy agreements, which I could not have afforded on my own.

I started to withdraw myself from him physically and did not feel like being intimate with him. I guess I resented him for hurting me throughout the relationship, making me bitter and unhappy and needed to be emotionally happy to sleep with him. This fuelled his paranoia and accusations further and he just wouldn't understand when I explained to him that I just couldn't block out my unhappiness to sleep with him, plus he would never do anything romantic or make me feel loved in any way.

One day before Valentine's day I was very broke and thought of the great idea of making a huge card with loads of pictures of us printed out and stuck together. I would often use his phone when my battery died to take pictures so I snuck into the kitchen with his phone at night in order to bluetooth all the pictures of us together to myself. As soon as I opened the picture folder I saw a provocative picture of a female, that was sent to him whilst he was away with his work for a few days. My heart stopped and I didn't know what to do with myself. I immediately went to him and woke him up to ask him what that was about. He said something strange about it being an old friend that wanted to show him her breast enlargement.

We had a long argument and eventually went to bed. I woke up early before my alarm to go to work that morning and found him standing in the middle of the room going through my phone. I told him that was the end of us.

We still had to live together in out flat so I told him we could split the bedroom and living room until the contract was up but I had enough of being with him. He made the next few days a living hell with me by being spiteful and childish until I decided to stay with my cousin for a night.

When I came back to get a few more of my things he started to become physical and I locked myself in the bathroom. I ended up moving in with my cousin and told him to leave the flat. He left me with all the rent and bills to pay and made the whole process of moving out extremely difficult for me. He would send me abusive messages and I got so depressed that I lost my job.

He sent me messages saying that I would never make a good wife by sleeping with someone so soon amongst messages of him apologising. This went on for about two months and he ended up sending me long emails about him having lost himself and being really sorry and wanting to right his wrongs.

I ended up meeting up with him...going against what I really wanted to do, which was cut him out of my life. We had a crazy night out as if nothing ever happened and he gave me the money he has owed me. We ended up being inseparable again and are back together now.

He seems to be more understanding and appreciative of me (from what he says) and alway says how much he loves me and could not stand to lose me again. He says he wants to do everything in his power to plan for our future together and seems to be keeping to his word. We seem to be happy again but I can't help but not trust him and be really overcome with hatred every now and then. I can talk to him about it and he is understanding but when he says trust issues are normal and he feels the same way sometimes, I become angry because unlike him, I have still never given him a reason.

As much as I am ranting and summarising some of the worst points of our relationship, we have had extremely good ones too...We can work well together as a team when we are under pressure to achieve something and I love the madness we get up to like randomly going on holiday and our crazy adventures but I am afraid that I am making the wrong decision to be back with him again.

I can't help but feel like he has qualities I don't like and wouldn't want my son to have and that there must be someone out there that would return the love I desperately want to give unconditionally. There is no doubt that we can we successful together but has he really changed and will I ever stop hating him?

UsuallyHappii UsuallyHappii
26-30, F
1 Response Aug 20, 2014

I kind of been through what your going through. Your both young and if you don't have children run while you can. Insecurities and jealosy are not traits that you want to make "normal" in a relationship. If you feel like your not getting the respect you deserve, break up. And be careful..