Could Use All The Advice I Can Get.

Im in a really hard place in my life, and i dont know how to get out of it. I have been with my bf for 3 years, and we have a child who is 2 years old. Which is why i think this is so hard. A little background of my situation is this: When we first got together things were great, they were nothing like they are now. Happy all the time, couldnt keep our hands off eachother, just totally inlove for about a year, no problems, no fighting, just perfection . Then i found out he had an issue he was hiding from me and it was nothing to do with another person, . He is jealous, and insecure because of a previous relationship. I cant even say another person is attractive, or talk about my past, or a male friend who has been a friend for a long time without him getting upset about it, an putting me in a bad mood, and us arguing about him being so insecure. Everytime we argue about it he says things will change, and they get better for awhile but then they go back to how they were. He doesnt really help out financially with our child, i do just about all of it on my own, daycare, food, clothing, diapers... all of it. But he loves our child so much and our child loves him very much. he is a good dad, and helps me out most of the time. we also live together. and have our entire relationship. we were so glued at the hip when we met he pretty much just never went home after we started dating, and he started paying bills an rent and it hasnt changed since. He isnt the greatest with his money, and has been known to take it from me before without asking. And i feel like he lies to me with what he spends his money on (his issue i mentioned above) I know how much he makes, and i know how much he brings home and it isnt adding up. He says he doesnt spend his money on bad things, but ive been told by others more than once, or even more than five times he does. So i have come to be convinced that he lies to me, and is just good at being sneaky. Here is the main issue: After everything he has pulled with lieing to me it has made me feel like he cheated on me, although he did not. All the insecure moments are starting to drive me away and make me loose those feelings of being inlove like i use to be, and my sexual attraction to him. I can only take so much of "things will change i will work on it, i dont wanna loose you i promise". Im aftraid im falling out of love with everything i have put up with, and i dont know how to get my feelings for him back, he is picking up on the loss of sex as well, but when we are constantly frusterated its hard to want to do that. After everything he has done to me i do love him. He is sweet to me, its not just constant bad, unhappiness all the time, but we argue alot, he loves me and tells me all the time he does, and is very affectionate towards me which most woman would be so happy about, attractive, but im starting to not feel like that towards him and i dont know what to do. Even if i tell him about my feelings and tell him i think i need some space to figure things out he flips out, that i wanna be single and go be with a bunch of guys, and that im breaking up a happy family, and it gets to me. I dont want to break up a family, but i dont just wanna stay being really unhappy. He can tell im unhappy but i think he thinks he can be happy for both of us. Its just my feelings of hurt coming down so hard on me like a crumbling brick wall and i dont know how to help myself. i have completly lost my way. Its so hard, im caught with loving him, but falling out of love/intimacy at the same time. Is ther any way to help get those feelings of love back? Is there anyway to make this better? Im so confused. I know people will say to just leave, but let me tell you, its SO much harder than that, because of the love that is there. Im just scared about it being enough and what to do. please help.

NeedsSomeAdvice NeedsSomeAdvice
8 Responses Mar 16, 2010

Thank you everyone for your advice. I have decided to go about this with the advice of some of you, and chosen to hadle it partially in a way that will make me feel better about it. I came clean to him, and told him how unhappy i really am. He admitted to putting himself first, and that he has had walls up since his last relationship and that he has put some of that before myself and our child. He also said he noticed how i have been lately and just hasnt bothered me about it. So i told him that these issues are extremly hard on me, and i feel like they have just burned me so much that i may not be able to come back from it. But like i said before i do love him. So i told him he has to change, and that i am putting my foot down this time. FOR REAL! Things need to become actions, not words, which i have realized from talking to family/friends, and reading it here. I didnt give him a "time limit" to change because i dont want him to make things better for a few weeks or months then when the time is up have it all go back down the crap hole. So i told him im keeping how long i need to see a change to myself, and in the time that i think is appropriate i will let him know if hes successfully changed for the better and proven himself to be the man he claims so much he wants to be. But i also told him im not sure if the damage has been done and even if it does get better, will i be able to forgive. I dont know though? My feelings are so mixed right now and its really hard. I told all this to his family because if things dont work out he will really need them. They are being very supportive and understand where i am coming from and dont blame me at all, which i really nice. I almost feel like im preparing myself for a break up, but i want to make it work. I find myself just getting sucked back in for the sake of saving a family. I just dont know what is right. History says its not going to happen, and i have started to prepare (talk to family about needing help with a place to live since we live together, bills, ect.) , and i told him i was tired of everything being on rewind all the time instead of play. these "im going to change" talks need to end. I hope everything works out, for the better of everyone involved in this situation, and i hope by giving him this last chance im doing the right thing.

I've been in a very similar situation. Everything seemed so perfect. Keyword: seem. When you live with a person and are with that person for a while, you can't help but to discover who they really are. I think the person you fell in love with was the person your guy was pretending to be. But masks have to come off at some point. You know that you are unhappy and you know what you expect out of a relationship. That's an important step. I would advise that you walk away, take some time apart for a while. With you actually being gone, it will give him the chance to realize what he had and either work on it or you'll permanently move on. Sadly, in many cases when the love starts to fade, it's hard to bring it back. You gotta stop accepting his promises. Promises aren't enough. Best of luck to you.

He is manipulating you and controlling you. You have given him plenty of chances. You need to put your foot down or move on.

i feel for you. however, being a young girl and has started this way its quite unfortunate. but i want to believe that the man has been lying and cheating on you all this while, but for the fact that you so much in love with him you could not discover it on time. however, my admonition is that you need to face it systematically because getting out of it could be the worst decision but trying to love him more and more even more than the way you started could bring him back completely.<br />
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Now that you have come to understand that he had a child outside and the relationship is no longer secure then try to estabish some attitude that will make him realise that you are still the best he could have and no one else dont be tired or weary about loving him just for the fact that you have gotting a child for him. i wish you best of luck.

ps; how do i tell him i am serious about needing time apart, or even wantig to break up with him that he will UNDERSTAND instead of always trying to say i want this or that, when i dont he just makes things up that he thinks is why i want to be apart, not the real reasons. Almost because he cant come to terms with it being partially his fault. But how do i get him to no be so hostile about it, and respectful and not jump to conclusions?

Thank you for the advice, part of me wants that and know i need to just walk away and try to salvage something for the sake of our child, but the part of me that does love him is hard o convince i need otherwise. I am not trying to make excuses but it is hard. we share a house together, that is what is even harder because we would have to figure the living situation out as well. That is no reason to stay but i do want it to get better, i want to try to make it better, but im so scared it wont work because of past history telling me it wont.

This guy is manipulating you! It's time for much self-reflecting. You need to ask yourself if you are willing to live like this forever. If not, there is no better time to change your situation than now. He will always make you feel bad when you try to talk to him about your relationship. I know you want him in your life because of the child you two have, but things are only going to get worse. I would not be surprised if he has cheated on you. If he has lied, then who is to say that he has not cheated. You are still very young.

Past is past - work with him and start over - date night should be a scheduled item - You got together for a reason - dont loose track of that -