My Therapist Is On To Me

I've been in group therapy for several months, and from day one, there's been this girl in the group whom I've been fiercely attracted to. I've known myself to occasionally feel attracted to girls. I think there have been four girls total that stick out in my mind, and I never bothered to act on my feelings for any of them. Men were always my preference.

Maybe this situation is different because of the open, emotional environment, and the fact that I get to sit near or next to her for 2 hours every week. Maybe I just live in a horrible suburb with no interesting men. But I've developed one of those devastating crushes on this girl. I cry if I think too long about what it would be like to never have her. It's not that I think she's perfect -- she has some qualities that I would find unattractive if I didn't have so much sympathy for her. 

My therapist appeared to catch me looking at the object of my affections in some stupid way when it was her turn to speak and she put her finger up to her lips as she thought about what to say. It absolutely killed me. In the corner of my eye, I noticed my therapist sort of give me this pleasantly surprised smile. My therapist is a very smart lady and she didn't do anything to embarrass me but I still felt caught and overexposed. I tell my therapist a lot, but I'm not ready for this talk yet. I'd rather try to make some sense of these feelings before I present them to her.

Of course, my therapist brings her up first thing at my individual appointment -- in a totally innocent way, but I'm on to my shrink as much as I think she's on to me. Toward the end of the session, we somehow get on the topic of the attractiveness of particular male actor. It wasn't small talk. I think she was gently giving me the opportunity to discuss my sexual orientation. Even though I've found this celebrity profoundly attractive for years, I felt awkward going on about it. It felt like I would soon end up on a slippery slope of trying to prove my heterosexuality. So I gave relatively neutral, unemphatic praises of his flawless physique and face. In retrospect, I may have come across a bit...gay.


wishmeluck wishmeluck
26-30
May 17, 2012