'A Question That Sometimes Drives Me Hazy: Am I Or Are The Others Crazy?'

I had some issues growing up, not the least of which was I'd been attracted to guys since I was 12. I never told anyone at the time (I still haven't told many). I felt guilty, dirty and above all I felt a certain self-loathing. I hid it well though, and continued to succeed in almost all areas of my life. When I was a bit older, my friend confided in me that he was bisexual, I was very proud of his courage and honoured he had chosen to tell me. I wondered whether I should do the same, but then things took a turn for the worse. He couldn't handle the drama that came with the lifestyle he had chosen and fell into deep depression. I can still remember how he would call me when he got home from the hospital... talking about how they had bandaged up his wrists. I did my best to convince him that life was worth the drama, but he was certain I was wrong and in time I came to believe him.

My first girlfriend was a wonderful girl, she really made me feel special and for the first time in my life, I felt like I may be straight after all. But she had a bad home life, her dad walked out when she was two and her mother was a gambling alcoholic. Worst still, her cancer (which I only found out about late in the relationship) was dragging her through hell. We eventually broke up, she's lives interstate now. My next girlfriend was nice too. I really liked to make her happy, but it was hard sometimes. She was bipolar and had severe depression. I hated it when I noticed the cuts on her wrists. Sometimes I asked about them, other times I was too scared too. She was the first girl to tell me she loved me, but I had to let her go.

My next girlfriend was indeed kind at first. I made her smile and gave her a break from her depression, anxiety and abusive father. I hated that she had to take anti-depressants. I don't like the idea of even painkillers, but I understand they helped her. As our relationship progressed, a friend of mine asked out my younger sister. I was supportive, he was a nice guy after all. This girlfriend was my first sexual experience, I'd 'done stuff' with girls before, but this was a step further. Although much of it was her idea, I felt profoundly guilty. It didn't seem right somehow... like it was really wrong. Eventually I broke up with her because of issues with her parents. I had interrupted one of their 'sessions' and yelled at her dad to stop beating her (suffice to say he didn't take it well).

She was very upset and continued to write me love letters for a long time. Eventually she decided the tragic end to our relationship was due to my selfishness and she did everything she could to make my life a misery. She spread rumours about me and I slowly lost the many friends I'd made over the years. They apparently didn't want to be friends with someone who 'took advantage of a depressed girl' (well that's how they seemed to put it).

A few months later I found out that the guy who was dating my sister had cheated on her with a guy who also had a girlfriend. I confronted him over it but was labelled 'homophobic.' Here I was a depressed bisexual, and these were the things people said about me. I'm doing a bit better lately, things haven't really improved but I'm at least acknowledging my feelings. If I do turn out to be gay then I guess I'll learn to adapt. One things for sure though, I'll never use my depression or homosexuality as a shield against my own failures, I'll never be like them...
Goaly74 Goaly74
18-21, M
1 Response Sep 24, 2012

It sounds like you need a new dating pool:p all these girls have not very good lives.

Anyhow best of luck, and good on you for not wanting to hide behind a "shield"