Unseen Pain

Hi I am thirteen and my name is Georgia. When I was younger I got hit by belts, wooden spoons etc. I have depression and anxiety; I go to 3 different counsellors and have flash back of what I do, did and had done to me when I was younger and now. I am catholic and love god, but I was a bad kid up to the age 8-9 I was breaking staff, screaming horrible thing and just worst then other kids. But all that time I wanted love and attention. But in stand I got neglected and abused, I didn’t know I was getting abused until all the counsellors told me, because my mum called it discipline. I tried to kill myself around 12 times and nearly did when I was six. I smashed a door with my hand and nearly got it amputated, the doctors said if it when any further in to the vain I would have died. I think back to that and wish I did (sometimes). The flash backs are really bad it replays everything bad I have ever done or bad things done to me. The guilt and pain of knowing people have done that to me and I do things like that to myself hurt and lately the flash backs are getting worse not just at night but in the day, I am crying in school , I can’t do my work because I not sleeping. I very sick and always have something wrong with me. I have scoliosis and random blackouts were I can’t see for a moment and fall down. I also have trouble with my breathing and lots of tummy pains, but that’s because I am lactose and gluten intolerant. Lol unlucky can only have a little of both of them. I am losing my friend because if I am around to many people lately the flashbacks are a bit worst. I want to be happy and I want to live, but at times I have no one to hold on to for support and then I found this site today and I hope to talk to people and make friends here because I really upset that I losing so many I want gain some here, that is a tinny bit of my life sorry it is so long but this is only a small bit lol.

i need to talk to someone and i need a hug (NEED) SORRY I AM CRYING
gmtg1 gmtg1
13-15, F
2 Responses Nov 25, 2012

Hey Georgia, sorry to hear about this. Sounds like a really tough time. There are some parents in the world that just vent their own failures towards their kids, often to portray an image of discipline so that the kids become hard workers and don't 'shame the family'. Other parents use violence to discipline because that's how 'they' were taught. I honestly don't think there is any need for violence especially when it comes to children, but seeing as you're so forgiving towards them, you probably see through the surface and are able to work out a deeper reasoning behind it.

I know this will sound a little weird but all these rough times have shaped you into thinking the way that you do. You're able to analyse and think for yourself, which in today's world, is an extremely important gift. Please don't think I'm saying it's a good thing what happened, whatsoever! There are some spoilt rich kids who watch bulls**t TV, listen to bulls**t music, talk about meaningless bulls**t and as they cry to daddy and get a new car. Not that they're bad people, but sadly for them, their minds are locked in a plastic world.

You're ability to think and find reason has been empowered by your experiences... lots of kids don't analyse 'why', they just 'accept' what happened was right. I'm so impressed with your ability to express - you'll find these little powers of yours (that a lot of kids don't have) may one day save your life or kick-start an awesome career.

Never stop questioning your life until you're happy. Surround yourself with things and people you love. The flashbacks will cease I'm sure. As obvious as it sounds, I'd avoid the situations/people that spur your flashbacks if you can (just for a while). But in the meantime, analyse those particular situations when you're alone. What is it that really reminds you? Why those people? Why that place? Do it very steadily (and sober!). If your friends are true friends they'll understand and stick by you and wait.

Think of your life as a series of portals, one after the other. Some may last a day, others a decade. You may travel through a couple at a time (bear with me, I know it sounds wacky!). My point is overcoming obstacles. E.g. analyse 1 flashback as carefully as possible; once you've understood it and come to terms and feel ok about it, you're through the portal and don't need to look back. Another portal could be an exam. If you fail, it doesn't mean you're still stuck in the portal, it means you're through but now you have to understand it so that next time you have a better chance.

Reading philosophy really helped me understand the world. Once I understood my environment, I had a better understanding of myself (and vice versa). A simple quote can change lives when you understand the meaning. Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am"... think about that concept ;)

Congratulations for making it on here and having the soul and courage to share something very personal and deep. Good luck

oh my god, um idk what to say. um. for what it's worth nothing you did was your fault. you were just unlucky is all, remember you can always talk to me if you need an outlet okay?

thanks your nice.

oh and to the people that read this i love my family and forgive people that hurt me. but i am still messed up by it though